- pray   -  reply
Autistic Boy Dies at Wis. Prayer Service - my favorite quote from the article "We were asking God to take this spirit that was tormenting this little boy to death, We were praying that hard, but not to kill". So now my question is this - was "god" there at all? We all are told that "he" works in mysterious ways.



 - myth  -  reply
When I am not compelled by desire, fear or social commitments...
good and evil are temporal apparitions...


 - lions, snakes and rabbits oh my  -  reply
saw a mountain lion today - close enough to see that it was wearing a radio collar, it was no more than 10ft away. It didnt seem the least bit frightened, looked at me then slowly walked into the woods. Shortly there after saw a rattle snake seeming poised and waiting. Climbed Signal Mountain(12,200?) - a good hike - found the trailhead by chance wandering along a 4x4 trail with no map. Awsome view of Rocky Mountain National Park and the front range.

 - govt failure?  -  reply
YA.... Like Bush and large news friends say, it was a lightening strike. Too bad there were NONE in the area. just heard on the wire:
2 hours before the power failure in NY - the IRS offices there were told to go on backup generator power. Why would that be?
This same sort of power failure occured in 1965. Then people were told it would never happen again. What would cause 9 nuclear power plants to shutdown? Miniature golf perhaps? Or a make believe lightening strike? Someone would report a fire I would think - check out this link for what a large transformer fire looks like.
http://205.243.100.155/frames/mpg/XfrmBlast1.mpg
I have also heard/read that people reported hearing low rumbling before the power went out.
EMP I wonder?
But the sanlov worm/slug/virus has my interest also. Being that I saw its beginings about a month ago DCOM crap. M$ crap.
more on power outages:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A59556-2003Aug14?language=printer

While I am at it, what about the secret society people? What do they know?

  re: govt failure?  
I bet Arnold Schwarzenegger could've prevented this.
**Books for the children!!!**
(note: books for the children solve everything.)
  re: govt failure?  
We know nothing about this 'New York' or 'Niagra' you speak of. It is our offical stance that these places do not exist, and therefore no 'power outage' could have occured.

 - strangeness  -  reply
"your having a problem? Anything I could possibly help out with?" was what the subject line was replaced with on multiple emails from different people in my inbox. So sure yes it could be something you could help out with. The line is now gone after a reboot.

 - fantasy  -  reply
Laughing (something I suppose) (I have laughed for no particular reason, feels quite nice)
Feeling (seems like a feeling, what it means to me, means nothing)
Wanting (something I suppose) (is action really involved)
Needing (seems like a feeling, what it means to me, means nothing) (again is action part of this)

I can create a hole in your arrogant soul, (what the hell does that mean)

ack useless (apparent)
try again (why)
shallow bane exsistance frame mentor hole fantasy chances resistance matches tallow feeling sustanence scratch (train of thought disappearing)
abort (stop)
being miserable is the only way to be happy (catch 22, for a swing there needs to be a swung - got me?)
happy miserable is a good balance (what sort of sick balance would that be)

well if one is feeling a feeling - pretending one does not feel said feeling does not make said feeling disappear does it? (that would be to articulate that feelings as I think they are - are indeed real and not the opposite of what you define the same feeling) (impossible you say?) (can you let me feel exactly what you feel when you say what you say or type or portray to me...however.)
unless you are the one creating that feeling and therefore suffering from your own creation? (thought and creation I suppose are the same thing) (so if we think we have a certain emotion - then we have it) (asking why would be futile because I just answered that) (and believe it at times)

futile? (more precisely)
guaging actions so as to take into consideration other people... (hm then I would assume my definitions for emotions and actions are all correct and true accross 100% of all people I will interact with) (a house of cards) (consideration - what choice do we have)
but to me, it's the ethic (the ethic - sometimes I toss that in with religion, they get so blurred next to each other) (pagan ethics) (natural cycles) (life and death I guess) (myself put ethic while trying to gauge what other people are feeling) (if they feel something not deemed to me to be ethical - then)
what is ethic? (be true to yourself) (what I see in the mirror is not me though) (I am my own essence) (these words are a reflection) (not the real thing)
be me for me? (how can I do this and possibly ethical) (how can I do this while trying to offend no-one) (me for me when you weight in as less significant)
how can you be me for me while taking into consideration other peoples feelings? just explaining that you are you to me wont change my feelings will it? (physical being effects feelings) (so can any feeling be trusted) (feeling would only be chemical side effect) (the true basic "feelings" are the only true thing) (all others simply a reduction) (fear and something else?) (love perhaps) or are feelings just ethics.
>end

(i finished writing this and accidently clicked delete twice, browser back buttons are nice, why can't life have one) (nice that it does:)

good reading http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2003/08/13/1060588464388.html


 - spread  -  reply
"...ethics: build improved electronic gadgets [to] outwit gadgets used by the authorities..." -Philip K.Dick

 - short rain  -  reply
tonight there was this

  re: short rain  
I second that.
  re: short rain  
That's absolutely gorgeous!

 - mean  -  reply
quote "mean(spitefull) people suck" and my resolution? To have nothing to do with people mean by nature, that and people that enjoy being depressed. So useless!

 - fucked up  -  reply
"what you can not control, you give up trying to control" think I heard that on some commercial recently.
Let me tell you how much I hate micro$oft
well actually let me not waste my time.

flashback 2:53am, still up
such a strong image my ears are ringing. i recalled the trip that i will take today, even though i have not taken it yet. very strong memory - of something. just on the edge. perhaps i am just looking at and trying to figure out what too much raw data is... not really sure anymore. trace route can trigger a memory, thats just sad. alberta. ip ending in 222, i must find meaning somewhere i tell ya. sure toy with me, i enjoy it also, or do i hate it, not sure anymore. tomorrow i will visit an amusement park, or is it today, have i already gone? ha! i suppose i could have. still interesting. freakin numbers suck.


 - just cardboard blather  -  reply
Choice is an illusion created for people without power by people with power? What does power mean anyhow? I suppose if I limit somones choices to lets say 3 out of a infinite number, and they are none the wiser, I would have the ability to control them to some extent. Especially if I make them believe that one of the three is the only way, and that there are no other choices. Heck - reducing somones choices to any smaller subset is controlling them.

 - crunchy thoughts only if squared and have pi added  -  reply
I took my slice of pi, but I wanted it also! What ever will we do? Did I ever tell you about the voices I hear, they tell me lots of things. Sometimes they describe in detail your inner workings. Sometimes they tell me to run, or that I need to be careful. They wont ever dare telling me anything really useful - which is good because I don’t really believe in them then. Perhaps its part of their plan? I wait in the sidelines in utter suspense! Its nice they never tell me "what" to do, just suggestions. Innocent. Then the rest is up to my own conjecturing. When I mow my lawn I hear the people looking out their windows at me thinking. I think I hear their thoughts. I don’t suppose really that I hear them, but voices they are! Its amazing to me the variations of thoughts I hear, is it all me, or is it them watching me? Or does it even really matter... well I think it matters, because I have to listen to them day in and day out. So now I have what I wanted, and now that I have it, I am not sure if I particularly enjoy it! I started dreaming again recently - within the past month - and I hate my dreams. They suck. The other day I dreamed that I was walking through a group of my classmates, they were all carrying fishing poles. As I walked through the middle of the group, their hooks hanging loosely from their fishing poles snagged my skin, snagged my clothes, snagged whatever wandered by. They all smiled at me, they all wanted to be my friend, yet they were slowly tearing me apart. Then I was standing on a narrow ledge on the middle of towering cliff, below was rock and crashing water, above was rock and boiling clouds with foreseeable way out. There was someone with me on this narrow ledge, guiding me, guiding me to jump into the waters so far below. Jumping to safety I was to believe. Hmmmmm pi indeed. Lately I have been educated on parts of my past that I had forgotten, only to have them drudged up and slammed into their places in the puzzle I see behind me. The other day (not sure which day, don’t think it matters, perhaps when I slept on the couch or floor...) I dreamt a dream, it was real as it can be, as are all my dreams. So real that most leave me questioning what I see during the day. I hate to dream most times...but then I love it. I had it framed in my mind, and suddenly it flitted away! Damn it! Damn damn damn... To have a story so perfectly framed and then disappear sucks. I guess I am back to my 3.141593.... that’s all I can remember anyhow.

 - tired nightmare  -  reply
tired watching dripping ribbons deep black stain greet straining claw clasped hands vibrating in tune with open maw hurtling guttural sounds aimed toward cleansing the same hands cleared of ribbons though the same remains as oil seeping into flesh
66636 666216 666506

  re: tired nightmare  
maybe a slice of pi would help?

 - oxy!  -  reply
I don't think "holy" and "war" belong in the same sentence. Seems like an oxymoron to me. Then most religions have a tendancy to be oxymoronic when viewed from the 3rd person.
Another oxymoron: "microsoft security" - you would be safer shooting yourself in both feet.

  re: oxy!  
how about just plain old MORONIC

 - hello kids!  -  reply
The last several days in my life have been some of the best days, full of dedicated work on failing servers(among other failing things). Which I so much enjoy doing - I spent a total of about 18 hours in one day doing so. I can't wait until I can do that again! It does wonders for ones mental status. What makes it even more fun is when the problems are caused by some miss-guided script kiddy. Oh how I enjoy those little fellows! I would like to pet one someday. But only if I can pet him with a heavy object(all sorts of human rights violations going on now). I also particularly enjoy poorly written software passed off as secure and fully functional. I would like to collect all the m$ software and burn it in a large pile and in doing so destroy the ozone layer. That would make me happy, least for the instant before the world turned to violent confusion as the two-legged sheep looked madly for their missing "software". If I never heard that word again - I would be happy. I say all this as I type this entry using "software" from Micro$haft xP. How nice. I wish I could ditch this shit but of course every job I have ever had requires me to know how this shit works. Perhaps I should become a ... hm .... (nothing is coming to mind) ... I guess I love this software. No wait I hate it. Hm. I can't really remember if I hate it or like it. Perhaps I will just give up and worship it. (When will there be a prayer request button in IE?)
  re: hello kids!  
Oh this makes sense! "Microsoft Wins Homeland Security Contract" Now the prayer request button in IE can connect you directly to Bush!
  re: hello kids!  
violent confusion and subtle revolution seeping into the very flesh of sudden quiverring. Stop. Yet everyday I have the blues. YoooOOOOOOwL. I've had to drop stone drunk crazy...stone crazy you're goin to looz yo mine...how couuld you treat me so dirty bay bee... cry i n g. I N my dark room. W eye eeeeeeee N' to the cole dark nigh

 - lizard  -  reply
Then I also like reading into everything going on around me, I would rather try to figure out the hidden meaning rather than the one staring me in the face!
Oh yes - This site is creative fiction based loosely on a number of real world and not so real world persons. Any resemblance to persons living or fiction is completely intentional - reading into any of the creative writing exercises contained within this website or using your own definitions to interpret the writing is your own fault.


 - relatives? gah!  -  reply
I like robots - I can understand the simple programing - programing that people I know would hide from. People I cannot understand, understanding emotions is like trying to taste the sun. I always misunderstand, they say one thing, I hear something else. Something that seems to be common sense to others - to me would be gibberish. Another problem I have - I won't admit that I cannot please everyone. I would lie to myself to make someone else happy. I will believe two opposing thoughts to make people happy. So I speak my mind and am honest with my thoughts. Now how can that be? Honestly believe two opposing ideas? Impossible! bla bla bla.
  re: relatives? gah!  
crazy to be normal that is a setting on the dryer -a book title- a book for you i have i saw: hitchhiking the galaxy one more time compiled from the apple macs of douglas adams "The Salmon of Doubt" come and get it...I'll swap it for my mower [grinnnnn]

 - the truth is not what we want to hear  -  reply
This is what "our" government for the people by the people think that we want: http://www.guardian.co.uk/usa/story/0,12271,988612,00.html
Perhaps the sci-fi fantasy of us ultimately destroying ourselves will come true, hopefully someone will be left to write about it, and others will be left to read about it.
I suppose when the government figures out how to have it's fingers in all of "gods" strings approval will be mandatory, heck it will (or is) just the way the bibble directs us. What would be the most useful function of a time machine? To be able to go back 2000 years and write a book for the masses of people to blindly follow, what fun that would be!
The ultimate goal I suppose would be to be the common mans god.
Someone should start raising the next president of the "free" world. Start very young, calmly explaining the rules to be followed. Would be like shaping a piece of clay.. create an environment and situations with outcomes that support the idea. Perhaps it may take several generations of experiments. Relatives and close friends should own the major communication mediums, in this matter directing basic ideas of large portions of "people" would elementary. It's not the one big sign you happen to see, it's the subtle ideas quietly spread like butter on bread. Makes you feel warm and fuzzy. Ingrained absolutely into everyone’s being, they will have no choice but to follow. Perhaps not instantly but slowly, may take years, tens of years. Be sure everyone is dependent on what you supply. Make them long to be guided by a higher force, call it religion, call it a club. Give it some sort of moral value. hm Even better yet, fashion people into high level pets, that like to be soothed, then create the only thing that can soothe them. How lovely. Directed living. "Dreaming this, dreaming that, regretting nothing, think about that", "You know I have almost lost my mind, I cannot explain what I have seen or where I have been","but now I think I see the light"
-continue mundane-


 - use less  -  reply
whats yahoo's average travel speed when looking up directions on a yahoo map? 66.6 hm

 - away  -  reply
I have had some of the best and worse days recently. Nearly time to start my journeys again. I do dred the long drive ahead...
Today was not a nice day, very stressfull...
Multiple server failures... with no clue really as to why.
Went to the bank and was about a half second behind two near accidents... people driving without brake lights should be shot. People pulling out in front of someone going 55 should be shot.
Ha! Take that you ... you, ya you without brake lights. bastard.


 - overclock  -  reply
Today I am going to finish my CPU cooling solution with a high-flow continuous running AC pump, a very well flushed transmission cooler(8in x 8in), and to top it off, the coolant will be engine coolant. That should keep things damn cool! Not sure if engine coolant breaks down plastics though...hm. This should allow me to overclock the cpu quite well - not that I need it!
My tracker is in need of yet ANOTHER front axle, or more precisely a front 3rd member with 5.12:1 or preferably 5.83:1 gears. I have one waiting for me in Wisconsin - but I think I am going to run the 5.83 gears in the rear for the road trip next week. I will just have to not use 4wheel drive. The new Australia made Old Man Emu shocks/struts are EXCELLENT especially combined with Good Year MTR tires - makes for faaast trail running!(rocks, rocks, what rocks?!) Next thing I want to upgrade/fix will be replacing the front coils with OME coils, rotating the rear axle for a better angle in the driveline and greatly extended travel. speaking of which i am late to get my alignment done!!!


 - who  -  reply
Who to trust? Who to listen to? Who exactly is speaking? And why should I care? Please tell me, I am anxious to listen to another story, I can think of no better way to spend time!
  re: who  
i don't know. "fuck everyone" seems to be a lot more than masturbation. in fact, it could prove quite a challenge to most of the population out there. although i agree with the rest of the statement.
  re: who  
exactly.. fuck everyone.
  re: who  
well this was written in a positive light - as what else is life about? I can think of no better way to spend "time"!
  re: who  
"fuck everyone" is the weakest form of masturbation. All for one, one for all is the way it flows.....

 - face masher  -  reply
Hi my name is Green Cheese.
My purpose today is to show you that your views on life are wrong. The only correct views are my views. I am here to change your thinking. If you don't agree with me then I will call you stupid, probably not to your face, but to everyone you know. In this manner I can control what you think whether you want me too or not. I will make sure to twist the facts and reality into something that suits my purpose. I will play mind games with you. I will describe a situation and then change the definition of the words I used to describe the situation to you, and then invite my friends over to laugh at my created misunderstanding. I will quantify all your minute feelings and thoughts into something that can be easily discarded. The only correct view is my view. To think anything else is craziness on your part. By following my plan you will become like I am, perfect in all ways. You cannot be perfect, you will be damned to strive for the unattainable until you die. I will gather my entertainment from watching you squirm in the puddle of slop that is your life! I will inject situations that taunt your logic. You will ask me for help, and I will haughtily ignore you, at the same time I will send information to you by an avenue not related to myself. You will be left with the echo of your twisted world, which I will gladly help you create. I will tell you basic truths, you will forget that I told you. I will let them resurface in you and let you revel in your new found supposed intelligence. I will listen quietly as you eagerly tell me what I already know and planted in your mind. I will watch you try to mouth my truth - all the while nodding my head and cheering you on. Then I will kick you in the shin, just to see what you learned. You will then try to jam your new found morality down my throat. How ironic! If you learn anything and discard everything I passed to you; look inside for your own truth without trying to cram it down everyone’s throat as the penultimate discovery. No error there, there will always be another one. After all is said and done, one of my favorite past times is wondering what truth you will spew next? Will it be mine again, taken in, tweaked, smashed, fermented and smoothed? What an ultimate compliment! Share your opinion; don’t smash me in the face with it.
So again I start at the beginning, letting the same thoughts drip from my curled fingers. Perhaps I will wad them up and use them as toilet paper.
Though there is a truth that I understand that will not and cannot change.
I am blissfully defective, and in this I take my peace. I don't need to be surrounded by my fellow defectives to understand this. Your not defective as a matter of course, it's the masses around you twitching in rhyme to your idle thought. Tune yourself to their rhythm perhaps you will understand yourself then. What folly! Loose yourself and in that reveal your secret? The secret is the closed mind? What?

On a different note this website design is most excellent:
http://www.massiveattack.com/
wow

  re: face masher  
life really sucks
  re: face masher  
why does life really suck?

 - throb  -  reply
After reading this "We're All Gonna Die!" I have more things to worry about, even though I think the article was meant to have the opposite effect.

 - defective  -  reply
I think our cat has a malfunction. Or is a malfunction.
I have 7 days of work left, after which I will be driving across the country for about the millionth time. My son will be out here for the month of July, well the last half of it at least. Will be a good time, planning on going to visit relatives in Michigan over the 4th of July, then on the return trip going to go visit the National parks along I-90 - Bad Lands, Mt. Rushmore, Devils Tower... stuff like that. Will be camping the entire trip - will be an excellent time.
Going out into the mountains again this weekend - I am getting addicted to just being out in them. Spent all of last weekend just roaming around with no plan, just exploring. Hope to do more of the same this weekend. And next weekend. And the next. Have my eye on driving up Monument Gulch.
Crazy emotion station flattening perspective waning views focused sharply still blurred edges persist still the twisted mass of sweaty thoughts wrapped in oozing mass of taut muscle reaching through empty eyes towards the ultimate goal - or perhaps I am just antsy today. Or nervous about the finite end to my current employment, and the fact no other prospect has raised its head yet. So I cook bacon, hash-browns and eggs to roll in a tortilla shell with cheese (yes still a cheese head) and ignore the anxiety building.
I queued up all the hemi-sync music(?) I have - see if that winds me down.
1:56pm - nope didnt work
security screen
6088 1:42pm
8338 1:43pm
I always think it might be nice to save a bit of useless information and find out that someday it might be remotely useful.
Here is a quote I read today: "The current demand for marijuana and pronography is deeply revealing. Here are two commodities that Americans publicly abhor, privately adore, and buy in astonishing amounts." From "Reefer Madness: Sex, Drugs, and Cheap Labor in the American Black Market" sounds like something I should read. Be good to be educated in what is not seen. Wonder where this persons information comes from...
Read here sample page 11


 - management  -  reply
I think I have a () management problem...


 - good read  -  reply
http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=16142 regarding "The Case for Impeachment"

 - splendid  -  reply
It's a splendid day inside a splendid week. The weekend is not nearly here yet and already plans are laid thick. I will be aquiring long travel shocks/struts this week for my vehicle which should add at least another 2 inches of travel to each wheel. Which might not sound like much until you try running offroad trails at 30mph or more - 30 might not sound fast until you throw in 6-12in boulders that can be driven over at that speed without the passengers feeling like they are about to be thrown out of the vehicle. I could keep up with a cycle pretty easy before - now I should be able to leave it in the dust for the most part. Not sure how it will handle the "jumps" yet though. :) Yea yea yea... I know boys and their toys. Bigger boys much more expensive toys :)
  re: splendid  
http://www.lassitude.com/skiddywampas.asp

 - backyard  -  reply
18% of full size, click for the full picture

backyard during a rainstorm, then the sunset a couple hours later

I have a strange energy twisting through me today, wonder what I can use it for.
"Faith No More - The Real Thing", "Pixies - Live at the BBC"
One thing - Take you "news" and shove it real deep, perhaps it will make your humanity tingle.
Too much of myself has been replaced with what I read and watch. Lately when I watch TV I want to throw it out the window. Just to see what would happen - I imagine that its plastic case would almost crack off, bounce a couple of times and continue blathering emptily on.
BUT - My mansion is so high.
Pretty purple pearls painfully poised posturing petty pensions pretty perfect personable perhaps pacified pontificating preacher preaches purposeful prose probably pathetic people pour plentiful praise.
BUT - I drive my car into the ocean, only because it rhymes.


 - use less mind control and more soap  -  reply
I am not sure what I would like to write, the subjects swirling before my eyes are of course plentifull.

 - write me a song  -  reply
Write me a song. A little ditty I can sing while I feel sorry for myself. Not really of course.
Anger was stirred in me today, an old hate was given life again, like searing molten metal in my gut.
I fear perhaps I might not contain it - but thats my problem - fear.
Nothing to fear but fear itself, right?
If someone can't explain something clear enough or take the time to figure out how to explain something clearly, how does that make me stupid?
If the teacher does not know how to teach, is all lost?
If the teacher has no patience for a stumbling student, whats the student to do?
If a person has a defective emotional set, or a emotional set that is highly twisted and has an easier time connecting emotionaly with inanimate things over other humans, then what?


 - sidekick / tracker parts  -  reply
http://members.cox.net/aftermarket4x4/ (6/19)
http://thejeep.com/kayline/suzuki.html
http://www.off-road.com/suzuki/techinfo.htm
http://thejeep.com/kayline/suzuki.html
http://www.izook.com/
http://www.izook.com/spy/
http://users.adelphia.net/~tprints/tracker/links.html

http://www.petroworks.com/
http://www.trailtough.com/
http://www.rocky-road.com/
but not:
http://www.calmini.com/
The following is a letter I sent to Calmini:
Why exactly do you feel you can charge such ridiculously high prices?

Is it because you are one of the main aftermarket part shops for the Tracker/Sidekick?

If anything it is a good inspiration to engineer and fabricate my own parts.

I purchased a 2in suspension kit for the Tracker about a year before the 3in was available. I now find that the A-arms that came with the kit were not coated/painted correctly and as a result are rusting heavily. I also realized the other day that the replacement struts that came with the kit do not match.

After doing some investigating and pricing out the individual parts required, pricing the fabricating of new A-arms and materials, spring/strut prices I come to the conclusion that selling kits like this would make me more money than I make as a software developer. That is if I undercut your prices by a large margin, invest some money in advertising, and make the kits/parts available at a discount for resale.

What is my point of this email? Perhaps just to vent my frustration in regards to a rapidly deteriorating product that looks like it is being sold for several hundred dollars less than when I purchased it. I suppose it is the crux of capatalism.


 - tipsy  -  reply
< disgusting > I thought I had potatoes on the back of 1my hand, but after a good deep lick, I deduced that it was some sort of dish-soap. Very disturbing. Indeed upseting, to say the least.< / disgusting > And I still dont know what to do with the tossed salad and scrambled eggs. Or something. But I find strength in reading the fiction that is my daily horoscope. It lifts my soul, or is that the tv bible hour I pray during? hm.. Anyways, back to praying. Any requests you would like me to submit? Perhaps some dirty deeds you would like me to arrange? It can and will be done. That is if it is my will. Oh yes, and I shouldnt give up on my ideals. Yea thats rich. What news will my local channel lay on me tonight? Something disturbing I hope.

 - irr  -  reply
I am incredibly irritated, frustrated, exasperated ... It's all over me, the irritation, nothing I do holds any sort of ... I can't even think of a good word to put too it. For one, I cannot any longer stand people who continualy have a negative view on everything. It's like a bug slowly chewing it's way into my head. Gnawing on me relentlessly. bla bla bla I dont know what to write.... useless floper pen monitor wine drinking booze having fratenizing tippy flatening max placid winner man freak film gimp watcher that watched weather noosphere detrimental of self conflicted that must rock the argue opposite feeler dealer wheel ring rope ragged raunchy how nice bean cactus walk poker muddy mess of the feeler user chess cd must frankly web stuff of game gleemers while the glom prom sloopy yes I said that wallet wall wire wierd wanker ac dc freedom from what nothing everything actual loss minor timbor actual milage may vary varied calling called friends bends monster gob blob bloop icq icu migrate detonate feel much matter mass coronal hole coronal mass ejection eject reject depression happy mess of flippers fold four fingers twixt neither knee though minor melodies have nice rings around the ants that are always marching jumping jack flash fliped over ten times before wearing his hands out freddy fish swims in nice bubbles falling through the imagination of your almost nothing no-one neither nine times mine is not a winner though the goal is 100% success to be field ready field tested mother approved whatever the fuck that means pen of paltry military vent picture perfect photo having cheeto eating relationship mess crawdaddy major book guide to the unknown act now and save some non-existant money buy buy buy cheese it will make yourself is the feel better slave big sleeze please cut my cheese twisted tounge bit boob teeth variable speed remote control regresser fellow finds the fine feelings under a sloppy mess nothing is coming out of me i have hid the almost truth she sells so well I dont even know it but it may stutter almost in it another someone you them we are not always what you think we are worthless time controling limb link controler field tested eye glaze brain phase minor depleted nothings minor in the beverage major actual twisted raunchy gas grabber apple eater feeling slasher plant master green memoir getter goob packager fast packaged food lanes the blame language symbol mind mend manacle lock master addict time supervisor twisted logic blaster phone taster color scrubber spam king is kind to the nice bits that bites ah its useless - nothing is coming out. Truth lies manacle thighs.

 - magick  -  reply
self debase er do your magick do it well do it with style do it while standing on your head do it while away from your body let your intellect slide rip em apart like some over stuck band-aid to hairy appendage twist and squeeze the last drips of feeling dance and laugh for no reason laugh till your scared silly aisles and aisles of lifes all in their space choose any each in their own time is why we are stuck here time is the self-imposed glue that holds me here without the time reference !me! what a worthless word as if some 2 letter symbol can direct reference at what this flesh sack holds - or perhaps doesnt hold either way splendid if myself is nothing more than a unique painting of electrons I do have a soul - whatever that symbol is supposed to mean - time - there really is none "time travel" is a non-point, whats the purpose of traveling if you are already aware of all of everything oh danger danger time to flit here and there where I think there I am flatlanders 3 dimensions 4 dimensions imagine that please I suppose seeing everything and all detail at once would suffice as the 4th. A book title popped into my head just now "The Transmigration of Timothy Archer" or is it "The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch" either or fit.
hmm
http://www.geocities.com/cranesco/othtxt/transm.html
If "god" forgot we existed...


 - weekend man  -  reply
What’s going on, that's what I would love to know. There is this invisible flux, in it we all flow. We od flow along this strange yawepip, so arrogant we are. Ew know everything, there is an explanation, for the minor events that evlovni our happenstance. There always has to eb a reason. Surley chaos cannot elur? If it does then what meaning can our measly little choices make? Pick this apart, dnes me a reason that makes a difference. I am still here. My job si to make things difficult. I mean really, what’s eht point? We probably would all be better off if we thought less and acted erom. Wait let me take that back! There are some things taht probably wont change. You know what’s sort fo funny? I am not sure how I am acting, perhaps how I am acting is wrong or is to cause conflict. After all my being is subject to your observing me being, if you observe me doing something that I am not doing, who am I to argue, after all, your are right! Who can argue against your little truth, even if its ton my truth? So can I finish your wine dna your half-finished Mountain-Dew? Your driving down the road, and observe someone "J" walking, that is not using the cross-walk, or observing common street crossing rules.. You comment to yourself "Gee, what a a-hole, he should get hit and perhaps not killed but at least hurt bad for "J" walking". Later that day you are on a walk, enjoying the weather, following you significant other, when you realize to your absolute horror, that uoy are mid-stride in a full-on "J" walk! You think, "I am going to be hit! If not hit by a car and killed, at least seriously hurt!". Why is it you think that way? Tell me! Explain away the significance of this tneve! Least I think it may have some. So I start your un-finished glass of wine. Merlot it is. Now what? This weekend was much and much fun, we had quite the adventure! Saw quite allot of the Northern part of Colorado. So won what? I suppose I will watch vt. Wouldn’t it be nice if the tv could be set to program your days experiences and you didn’t have to think ta all? Just exist in an empty husk with the tools to keep itself alive without a smell of intelligence? The last place we camped this weekend was nice and quiet, but I was so paranoid that I kept hearing things. Was quite a challenge to get to it, 3 river crossings (3-4 feet deep) extreme rock challenges x 2, some misc mud pits. Dinner was worth it. Each dinner this weekend, cooked in a fire, in foil, was spectacular. So I eat potatoes - however you like ot say it. Sweet jebus - those were some damn good mashed potatoes! Started - 11:10 and its hot out! Sweat runs down my forehead as I apply every possibility to the choices not tey made. And I od mean "every". So hmm... If this were a book, what would be a good page turner? If life was an outline, put aside every emotion, what plot would sell? Where should the txen one be found? What sort of plants are edible? What switches need to be flipped to reconfigure the situations to inspire art? Wine and mashed potatoes are a bad mixture. Makes my gut feel heavy and disgusting - sort of like the plethora of useless music that assaults my ears makes me feel. Take your industry and shove it! Drove down FR129 today in search of some sort of off-road trail that would actually lead me somewhere useful! That road was of course off of 44H, which was off of 27. So there ya have it. I have pictures of snow that I will not post tonight, as I am unable too. When we first arrived at the sand-dune place in northern Colorado - wowie - Lisa was pissed! And os was I! I digress, my eyes tire of thinking of lla that sand.

 - better  -  reply
Buying that $500 Tracker last Feb has saved me about $1200 in repair bills. Just this week I used the starter from it, the drivers side cv shaft, passenger side wheel bearing, both locking hubs and front springs. If I invested some $ in whats left I could have another car worth selling. hmmm!

 - its just a movie?  -  reply
"Matrix films blamed for series of murders by obsessed fans" um yea - thats it - Mr. Malvo says the same thing ... There are parallels though. The story was written that way, perhaps to wake up some sort of strange understanding in people.

Have you had your "Super Supple Sanctity Supplement" today? It's the perfect additive to a dirty soul.


 - advantage  -  reply
oh! The advantages of a slowly blowing mind, least that’s what he says. Perhaps I will query him on the intricacies of mind blowing, such as to exactly what that statement means. I think a focused beam of conversational jazz would do the trick. Steamed broccoli might help to patch the holes, not sure never tried em. Almost always was a kid I knew, fragile appendages he had, did not like to wave them around much, mostly kept them wrapped around his noggin. Cold as blazes here today, lit shivers 'neath my skin like some sort of coldness from the winter days. I remember those days. Grab the soup! Quickly now, wrap it around your insides. Wash it down with a gulp of ignorance, smile the feeling of warmth races towards ears. Simple men like to nibble small thoughts, reveling in the apparent flood of taste. Sweet soul flounders in this shallow water. But frankly, they all like this cardboard cut-out universe. So nice and simple, anything else does not exist. Hot dogs, aluminum foil, all-in-one remotes, cheese curds, rabbit turds, doggy bites, kitty farts, breathless belches, fume fried brain, tempting sandwiches, petable furry friends, emotional detachment, droning pain, fell swoop beer poop, twisted tantrums, self debasing sexual confusion, hardened arteries, malevolent grasshopper, useless fucking religion, free buckets of fear, super-size coupon holding sausage finger having freak, fidgety children, self sufficient all guiding boob tube, chemically treated munchie manacles, four wheel status symbol, self-destructing skin protectors, ancient mind guide, why dont you listen, tribal reduction, high definition retina imbeder, super pathway absolvent crème, reality spectacles, cardboard fellatio instigator, mind-bending macho christ, super state, world wide conglomerate, mite sized people positional, brain bleach, religion smash...
  re: advantage  
As she mopped up the remains of the exploded brain, miraculous things began to happen
she could actually feel the emotions behind every thought splattered against the wall
she felt the love dripping from the curtains
she felt the anger pooling near the drain
she felt the frustrations dotted all over the ceiling fan
Is that happiness smeared on the door?

"hey!" she thought to herself.
"I've felt these things myself at one time or another"

Soon she discoveres that she is able to identify with EVERY destroyed thought this person left behind

"but how?" she wondered.

Then she thought about the color. The smell. Weren't her own brains the same color?
Wouldn't the mess still be a mess if it had been her own head instead?
Then suddenly, it clicked!
She found herself drenched in the knowing...the knowing that it is all the same...
That we are all one
Each brain connected to another via an invisible grid,
each carrying out the work of the individual soul who inhabits that particular space for that particular moment
The walls were coated not only with THIS random brain...but hers as well.
and all the people that she knows
and all the people that those people know
and of course, the people that NEVER seem to "know"
even that fucking pervert in jail with a life sentence was unknowingly represented all over the rug.
Nobody's thoughts were left out...how could they be?
If one person is excluded, then you are stupidly excluding yourself as well, correct?

Clean-up on aisle seven!

Sigh
Another one bites the dust.
As she rolls the bucket towards the next disaster, she embraces her new thought
Wow, thinking about it continues to BLOW HER AWAY!

 - grope for lunar!  -  reply
Hey! Take some pictures of this: Total Lunar Eclipse: May 15-16, 2003
  re: grope for lunar!  
well, here in Loveland the weather neglected to bow to my wishes for a clear night ... figures

 - full moon - the world is supposed to end today  -  reply
I went to India the other day, it was a good trip. The weather was warm, the people kind, the walls made of mud. I was a basket, I observed many things, time was not to be worried about. I just was, there was nothing else better than to be that basket. I contained all sorts of items of use. Seeing without eyes, everything around me just was, all of it, all at once.

 - free advice  -  reply
I will give you advice, don’t take advice.
I want to take risks.
Do you have any to give?
I would rather buy them, then I can feel wonderful.
But if their shoelaces are too long and they can trip on their little feet, they can buy stamps on the way down.
Crows feathers sweep my lips, splinters of soft feathers rain down around me. I grasp them in ridged fingers, watching the bugs scurry under my thick fur. My shoes are still un-tied, damn, damn, damn. But its ok the puddles are not too deep. In my shoes I can feel my sweaty feet cramp, the moon light glistening on white skin showing through where shoe tongue should be. It however tastes nice, sort of like beef jerky. If I hold my untied laces, I can lift my own feet. How lovely! Strapped to my back, I carry the antifreeze dragged from dreams. The gelatinous mass quivers between my shoulders, twisted head, eyes catch myself reflected for a moment. The buildings soar near me, I am sure they curve closed over my head, but yet the sky twinkles. This street, this nice dark street, moonlight is lovely in empty cities. Garbage blows half-assed ahead of me, my eyes try to follow its path, but instead my feet become entangled in shoelace handles. Face now smashed nicely against spit stained asphalt, my tongue protrudes and endeavors to taste the blood surely flowing from now misshapen nose. How odd, my dangly little arms neglected to catch my demise. Damn them to hell! The iron taste of blood, mixed with the strange dust covering the road, combines to form a gritty, coagulating mess that now cakes my face. The same blood running down the back of my throat from my apparently still bleeding nose, almost makes me gag. I laugh, choke, fall to my knees, shake my head, releasing the blood to spray happily over the thirsty earth. Ha! I think. The earth will win, this road will eventually fall - at least that’s my hope. The empty streets. Falling sideways from my knees I roll to my back, stretch my arms, and lay there, looking at the buildings curving upward. How nice, the blood has stopped running. Suddenly horrified, I notice a blue glow coming from my chest. The antifreeze! How could it be so readily absorbed - that I did not realize it was happening? No matter, I think, least I wont freeze when the moon sets. Rolling onto my stomach, dashed yellow-lines bisecting my blue glowing body, crusty blood dried face, fingers reach down again to twist shoelaces round index fingers. Ah what a nice color for skin, blue. Fingers still twisted in laces, I attempt righting myself, placing my feet under me, find that my laces are not quite long enough to allow me to stand erect. So I hop. I hop down the yellow dashed line, pass quiet street lights, still windows, I can feel the moon through the blue skin on the back of my neck. Releasing a lace to place a scratch on moon blue sensitive flesh, I wonder on the status of my blood, is it blue now too? Such things to ponder on my hop.


 - just great  -  reply
Well then, isn’t that wonderful. Now what do I do? That’s the long and short of it, "now what do I do?". What do we do? It's like a nice big full body scab is being slowly ripped off.
I don’t need anyone to help me sabotage my life; I am doing a fine job on my own.


 - gospel  -  reply
This is a interesting read: The Gospel according to Neo
A better read than more of the same "Bush Denounces Saud Terror Attacks" or some other useless headline that I care nothing about.

On a higher usefull note, "Gnosticism"?

And also, I have some Salvia staring at me...

Notes: On Nihilism, Simulacra and Simulation, Jean Baudrillard...

  re: gospel  
oh great, now its staring out of me

 - oh happy days  -  reply
Happy Mothers day to my mom, I love you :)

 - twisted - please shock me  -  reply
I would like to swap the two halves of my brain.
I am having a hard time with nervous habits.
I don't think I trust you, or you either.
What do you have to gain from this, or that even?
Is it the situation the predicates the person?
Or does the person unknowingly predicate the situation?
Do we setup our future by our thoughts?

  re: twisted - please shock me  
Speaking as someone who does have the two halves of my brain swapped, it doesn't help much.

 - new sounds  -  reply
Check out http://www.thewishingcock.com - some sweet music, I dig this one http://www.thewishingcock.com/music/homecoming_v3.mp3 Or perhaps it was "hannahouse" on the same page... both I dig...
Also just heard (again) "capitol k" and "boards of canada"

and hello


 - plants  -  reply
Dreamed that a father type figure was wide-eyed yelling and screaming at me, telling me that I failed and there was no chance to try again. No matter how I begged and pleaded - I was without hope for another chance. Another chance at what, I dont know.

This looks like an interesting plant: Salvia divinorum
Does anyone know anything regarding any specifics from personal experience?

  re: plants  
Interesting is definately the right word. I don't know if I would consider the trip pleasant. First of all, you completely forget that you took it in the first place, which makes it hard to do the 'it's the drug making me think this way' thing. There was a strong sense of false gravity that was pulling me from behind. I can't begin to explain the state of mind it puts you in, because it was so bizzare. There was some visual effect, but it was mostly because I couldn't recognize anything (i.e the rug I was sitting on). Lasts about 3 to 5 minutes. Intense laughter that comes from nowhere and feels empty. I still have a bunch if you're interested, I tried it about three times then was done. No desire to experience that again. I didn't do all that much at once, so I didn't get the compelete experience.. I'm okay with that.
  re: plants  
Yes it is bizzare, though pleasant for me, so yes I am interested!

 - lucid  -  reply
I was running down a rain-soaked road during the late evening, running as fast as I could go. I think I was chasing someone, I had a raincoat on, and it was open and blowing in the wind behind me. Water was running down my face, I was completely soaked. But running like my life depended on it. Wish I could remember why I was running. As I was running it was as if a large hand reached down and grabbed me by the back of the neck and started dragging me backwards. I panicked and try to catch myself from falling, and awoke in my bed with a yelp - and I was told I flew vertically off the bed, from my body twitching as I was wrenched out of what I now knew was a dream. It was so real, the running full tilt, and feeling someone pulling me over backwards, so much so I thought I would fall on my back on the street.

This book looks like a must have:"Hacking Matter: Levitating Chairs, Quantum Mirages, and the Infinite Weirdness of Programmable Atoms"
Pertaining to the previous, an excellent quote from "Sir Arthur C. Clarke: "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."


 - overheard  -  reply
Fact: Overheard: "The earth will start spinning faster and faster until everyone fly's off and burns up in the atmosphere, but if you tie yourself to a tree you will be ok" and "the end of the world is about 10 days away".
Pole shift? sure why not
All this reminds me of a comic book I saw from the 60s, which depicted a large comet or planet hitting the earth and bouncing off, and people clinging to the comet/planet as it continued on. So yes, it hits earth and scoops up some people and keeps going, none the worse for the wear, and a few humanoids heavier. How nice! If things go right, I will see it coming and be able to jump out of the way.
Perhaps if we get a large trampoline it will just bounce off? Or if the earth starts spinning to fast, or flips over, we all just get in our cars and drive in a direction such as to counter the problem.
I dreamed last night of getting into fights over something with people from the church I used to go too. I was very mad at them over something - not any idea what. It was all very staged, like I was moving from one set to the next.
So if all of "now" is "now", I am everybody, my soul is all there is, I am all my problems, I am the author of time spanning self destruction. I see what will be my downfall, and create it. That way I am never wrong, and I can point to myself and say "See I told you so". Visualize this or something else.
WELL the church pledge drive and drive to "save" souls through fear or purchased grace (tithe?) the end of the world is nigh, come to church, save yourself! Pray! If you pray hard enough the world wont stop turning, and if you dont pray hard enough - you are doomed! Doomed I tell you!
APOCALYPSE NOW? CHRISTIANS, MUSLIMS LINK CONFLICT TO CENTURIES-OLD VISIONS OF HUMANITY'S FINAL HOURS
My favorite quote:
"The student believes this agrees with Muhammad's prophecies. The notion has a counterpart in apocalyptic Christianity, which finds a similarity between ``Saddam'' and ``Abaddon,'' the evil leader in Revelation Chapter 9, Verse 11."
OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOT 9:11!!!!! It's a sign!
ALSO, this is sick shit "Left Behind'' series of novels and children's books" I was subject to these things when I was younger, and of course it scared me into believing anything they wanted me to believe.
Not this old story again, every 10 years or so it seems, someone is shouting the end is near, I think they did the same thing about 1,500 years ago. Were they right then? Did the world as the people knew it 1500 years ago cease to exist in some cataclysmic event? Only to have the timeline split and spawn another future at the same time? To doom humanity to constant threat of our home world being destroyed, all in the name of increasing enrollment in some mainstream religious buffoonery? Control mass populous via fear? There will be books in 1000 years detailing the conversations or leaders have between themselves, where we read about comments like "The population seems to be a little unsettled, we need to give them something to pray for, lets spread some fear in these states. Fund these religious organizations efforts to control the fear we create. Manufacture solutions to once imaginary problems, making them real. Add a spoonful of a holy crusade to control the savages in those other countries, make them see our light. They don’t know they are thinking the wrong thing. Hmmm yes, and people need to buy more cars. We also need to create a need in the population to give the government total control of our lives. And how’s that mass sub-frequency brain wave generator project going? It sure would be nice to inflict complete fear at will in a percentage of the effected population. The rest should follow along."
As long as I have antifreeze for my blood, I should be ok. And yes I am still wearing my tin-foil helmet. So take that you great big mind-reading super-being that is my leader! baa! baa! Lead me great shepherd!
A good follow up will be, "USA military forces discover mysterious ancient alien gateway, apparently used to travel to other planets, Saddam said to contain key in body - USA military working to extract the key for the peace of the world". Oh great saviour that is my glorious country, I worship your powerful feet, and bow to your wishes.
So in Iraq, they had batteries over 1000 years ago. Clay pots containing the correct ingredients for electricity, which I am sure they used to shock their populace into awe. Which might explain the women carrying pots on their heads, they were probably powered by these batteries and animated through saddams thoughts. Yes! Thats my truth. :)
Update:
Bush captures Iraq to secure time travel device, has his lawyers create the text of the bible, go back in time, and plant the book in such a way to have the bible now as we know it. Hm.

Another update: Happy 2 years Love :)


 - mind  -  reply
These both are interesting:
http://www.newscientist.com/opinion/opinterview.jsp?id=ns23901
The Emerging Mind http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/reith2003/

Oh yes! Thanks for reminding me, the world as we know it will end on the 15th of this month, that according to Nancy Lieders www.Zetatalk.com. Wonder what sort of excuses she has come up with when it doesnt happen? Here is the body of an email I sent her:
L wrote:(me)
Why is it that you have this huge website filled with so much fiction, being passed of as reality? You obviously have to much time on your hands or an honest need to make extra money and have fun creating the fiction that is your website. After researching your "facts", I see now how elaborate your scheme is to get people to buy into your reality. Perhaps it is the common mans search for a "god" or something more in the world, besides the reality of terror attacks, that brings people to your website.

Carry on in your fiction, may you get rich and fat, and may your head be always filled with pretty dreams of something more than a towel head blowing us all to hell.

Respectfully yours,

L

Nancys reply:(nancy@zetatalk.com)

None of it is fiction.

--------------------
Well that sums that up, we all are doomed I tell ya! Doomed!
In some strange way, I hope she is right...! < evil laugh >

  re: mind  
If it were true - then the future would be set in stone - is it possible to set the future in stone?

 - not peeling  -  reply
It is a dark day today, rather more gray than anything else. These grandiose ideas of a new society, a better more evolved way of thinking. Such books as "Ishmael". Are they even slightly possible? Everyone seems to have a "it's pointless so why try" feeling. Or "this works, why try something else even if it is better, it might take too much work".
So how was your summer last year? I would tell you how mine is, but I don't remember. Tell me how yours was, and I will take it as my own.


 - del use an al  -  reply
Paranoid? Perhaps. Dejavu increasing in frequency, hit a number of times by a strange fear, made me look over my shoulder, half expecting something to be grining at me.
I awoke this morning and did not remember my dreams, then they came back to me in a flood while I was pooring coffee.
Brother telling me I should have used white cheese instead of yellow
Calling my son, someone else answering
Driving my car on a narrow ledge on the side of a tall building, while it was snowing, trying to rescue someone.
People chasing
hm, random bits of stuff.
I am grasping at the straw "when the student is ready the teacher will appear", and holding that up like a sign. Hopefully it is not a flashy gaudy sign that will make the teacher sigh and shake is head and look the other way.
My toes are still curled around the edge of that window sill, arms out-stretched, eyes closed, wind blowing up the side of the building, percariously holding me there. Should the wind die, I will fly.
Listening to new music "Capitol K", new stuff from "Massive Attack" and "Boards of Canada". Very good stuff.
Perhaps it is the no food today, the coffee in one hand and the mtn dew in the other???
Traveling always jars loose thinking for me...
On that thought
Time does not exist, everything already is and always is, we constrain ourselves to what we see by our constraint of time. Anything is possible. Time travel would not be a question if we could conceptualize the other dimensions, the dimensions where there is no time, and everything is. Tasting an apple without breaking the skin would be easy, but so would being the apple. When I was in high-school, I recall trying to visualize another dimension over our 3+1 of time, I figured if I could, "time travel" would be easy. But it would not be time travel, but more being able to focus ones vision on a particular moment, the same as we do in 3 dimensions... hm.
Brings to mind the "flatlander" comparison.
the icy orange rhyme counted down my spine


 - travel  -  reply
I spent this weekend driving - about 30 hours worth... After driving last night from 6pm until around 4am, I finally stopped at a rest stop and passed out. There was a rain storm with quite allot of lightning, which lulled me into a deep sleep. I awoke... ahh hell I am in no condition to try to write. I will just try to outline the facts so I can write later...
Drove from 6pm until around 12 or so, stopped for coffee (excellent coffee) drank that, felt more tired, it started to rain (lightening and the whole works) so I found a rest stop (mid to late iowa), stopped my in incessant driving, reclined my seat, and fell into a deep rain lulled sleep, punctuated by soothing claps of thunder accompanied by eye seering light blasts. Made for good dreams. Being tired I made the best of the exciting situation.. I awoke to a re-newed fervor of the rainstorm around 4am and started to drive homeward again, back on I-80. I managed to stay awake till around 6am or so, it was still raining and I was nodding off in my seat despite the pounding rain drops on my thin soft-top roof, and of course the lightning burning into the backs of my eyes. I found that driving with my eyes closed solved that problem. Not really, but almost. I stopped at a rest stop, turned off my car, reclined my seat and passed out instantly. It was fairly cold but I was too tired to retrieve my sleeping bag (open in the back seat). I had odd dreams, felt as if I was a little spark of light floating around my car, though I could not clearly see any details. The next thing I remember I awoke, and pressed the button on my car clock to see what time it was, it said 11am - it was even light out, though I was still tired so I fell back into a deep sleep, to awaken again at 8:47am. This confused me. How could I wake at 11am, fall asleep again, and awake even more refresh at an even earlier time on the same day? Unless of course I dreamed that I woke and pressed the button on the clock in my car to see what time it was when I awoke the first time. But I distinctly remember pushing the "recall" button on the clock, sitting up, seeing that it was no-longer raining, looking at the flower petals stuck to my windshield and falling back asleep as I was still exhausted. I dunno. Either way I made it home, weather or not I am still dreaming is a different matter. I arrived at home to see the grass had grown about 6 inches over the weekend and badly needed mowing. So I hauled out the mower and found that it would not start... Looked down at my pants leg, had a flash of dejavu, realized that I had a dream a number of months ago that I had a large hole in my right pants leg - the dream was traumatic but the hole is all that I can recall. Well the hole is starting - not on my conscious doing, but on its own. Anyhow for some reason that stuck in my head the rest of the day.. Another storm is brewing somewhere, I can all but see the clouds boiling.
Audio books I listened too this weekend were "Conversations with God: book 3", "Enemy of God" and a lecture regarding the theory of our universe being 10 dimensional. The conversations of god book is excellent, reminds me of the theories presented in "Ishmael". Both of which I believe, along with my thoughts that our society is basically dysfunctional and de-evolving on some levels. I had a brief conversation this weekend with someone that shared the same basic thoughts - that the direction in which society(ies) are heading are not all well and good.
On the drive out, the left front wheel bearing went bad, but only started to make loud noises as we pulled into Milwaukee. Thank goo. Luckily a friend of mine was junking the same basic car that I have...!!! amazingly enough the bearing from his car worked in mine, and I was able to get home safe, albeit a day late.


 - better and better buffoonery  -  reply
Things keep getting better and better, it's nice when a speeding ticket one has got 8 years ago comes back to bite you because the useless bureaucratic system is useless. The ticket was paid in 1996, but the state that the ticket was issued in "forgot" to take it off my record. So now because of it, my problems have expanded. They want me to pay a license reinstatement fee in a state I have never lived in (where the ticket was issued 8 years ago) to clear things up. Even though it is their screw up, they want me to pay them more money to fix things. So, lets tally things up, the DMV system SUCKS. And I have had past experiences with the IRS to know that they as well suck in the same manner. Both are too busy tripping over their huge useless clumsy fucking feet. The suck rating for the day for the DMV is 10, the suck rating for the IRS remains at 10. On searching for the word "bureaucratic" on google, the 3rd result was titled "bureaucratic buffoonery". That should tell ya something. What a great word "buffoonery" is. Someone should run for president and use a slogan such as "Working to stop buffoonery in the government, through elimination of bureaucratic bullshit", I would vote for them.

Update: ticket issued 2/1995, paid in full 3/1995, "national" DMV system in place in 2001, apparently with data that was 6 years and 10 months out of date.

  re: better and better buf  
I wonder why exposing some skin and looking cute while sobbing doesn't work as well for guys as it has for me?

 - dreams  -  reply
Dreamed I was on a winter adventure, with people I used to work with, big tall guy with tatoo's and an excellent sense of humor, wiry hair guy that was always good to talk to, from that northernly cold place - and some others I cannot place right now. It was snowing like the dickens, the adventure was set on a string of islands, the ocean(?) was frozen inbetween them. Tall guy was eating some sort of stuff he described as anti-freeze for your body, and was demonstrating it by laying in the slushy frozen water - while smilling and turning blueish. I wish I could recall the point of our adventure, other than not freezing solid.
I have been having very vivid dreams the last couple of nights, wish I made a point of writing about them...

  re: dreams  
Heh, I can see big tall guy with tatoo's doing that. He's crazy that way.
  re: dreams  
I this man me? I want to say for the record I have only drank anti-freeze once, and that was for science. All other blue liquids you may have seen me digest were either blue koolaid, or toilet cleaner.
  re: dreams  
Well perhaps when the pole-shift happens (T-10days), we can get together and drink antifreeze?

 - affermation  -  reply
Daily affermation: I am a slanderer (is that a word?)
  re: affermation  
no yer not
  re: affermation  
Yah, if it's in print it's libel. Which would make you a libeler, or a libelist. And yep, slanderer is a word. Though I'm sure they deserved it! ;)

 - bullshit - and wait for the backfire  -  reply
for a refresher, the meaning of ostensible for people that have somehow missed it, focusing on what I take from it: plausible rather than demonstrably true
If your reading this to use it against me, go away, let me have my space to vent. Opening this page is just about the same as opening a book, you have a choice. By not reading this page, it will cease to exist to you. As you the reader are well aware, there are no personaly identifiable references. If you find any, let me know and they will be removed. My email is DBD @ enabledreality.com . (of course remove the spaces first, I don't need more spam)
Oh I am irritated. And that's an understatment!
But I still love life, and I am still living where I want, and I am happy - though I may be poor, and on schedual to get poorer :)

  re: bullshit - and wait for the backfire  
It's nice to be happy and in love, isn't it dear? Bitter people that enjoy spreading poison to others for the sake of argument are pathetic. Let's go to Vegas and get married next month, eh? We have a lot of reasons to be happy...and no, being rich means nothing to me...been there..done that...it will never equal happiness to me. Keep on keepin' on. ILYWYL :)

p.s. Vegas is on me...I don't owe nobody NOTHIN and I'm feeling generous
  re: bullshit - and wait for the backfire  
need a ring bearer and flower girl...?

 - someone called me a crazy fucker  -  reply
Yes someone did, so that and dead beat dad makes me a pretty cool guy! Yay! What is left on the list?
(Third person perspective) How can this person talk about himself in this manner? (Because if I know you, and you know me well enough, you know the truth, and these writings won't mean diddly)
Things that I envy:
Patience
Short hair
Self-control
Quiet thoughts
Steady, likable employment
Optimism
Home ownership (?)
Stable emotions

Can't think of others (yet), please add enviables if something pops in your head :)

By the way, if you don't appreciate "naughty" words, adult oriented content or the thoughts contained on this website, then you should not be here (Why the hell are you here anyhow?).

This is a good read: http://weekly.ahram.org.eg/2003/634/sc1.htm in regards to the war (is it over yet?) in Iraq


 - ho hum  -  reply
I wonder if this SARS thing is being blown out of proportion and is just being sensationalized??
Well I am actually looking forward to driving to Mke this coming weekend, should be an ok trip - as my car will be quiet and legal finally. Not that I like sitting in a car for 50-70 hours - but it does give one plenty of time to think!

  re: ho hum  
achooooooooooo!

Soap and water, that's the way,
You can wash the germs away.
Keep on washing when you do,
You'll get rid of germs, it's true,
Now your hands are clean, here's why!
Germs are down the drain,
GOOD-BYE!

Oh wait, isn't that how this SARS thing got started? Because of germs in the sewer? Darn.

 - advocate  -  reply
Well I was going to write something, but it got shot down in process.

 - it step  -  reply
The weekend was a blast, had much fun up in the higher mountain air, 9500 or so feet if that matters. It seemed to matter to me, I dreamed, the type of dreaming I like. Sort of twisted in some way, not quite right, though never being able to put my finger on it type of dreams. It is hot right now in the living room, hot is relative, though I would guess it too be near 80 or so in the F. Reminds me of the endless years I have spent hunched over a computer of some sort, now working from home for work using the same machine I am supposed to play games and relax on. Oh wait that statement is wrong, relax using a computer? Work is relaxing though I suppose. It is nice to be able to focus on a problem and be able to solve it in several hours which seem as though were a matter of minuets. I would appreciate if the computers I have used would evolve to my use of it, or the confines I dictate to its plotted existance. I think the system of life that we as a whole are living is too granular, needs to be finer. Its all useless blather I tell ya!

 - did not try  -  reply
I need to read again. I used to spend at least an hour a day reading during lunch when I worked at HP, reading meaning - a book. Something with real content in it. Other than this useless "news" blather I let others pour into my ear holes and eye caves. A good science fiction story, perhaps re-read one of my favorites.
During my flight next friday should be a good time to read. I am flying to Milwaukee next friday to pick up my son and then flying back here with him the same day. Then I of course will need to drive him home after his visit as he is yet too young to travel alone. Been too long since I have seen him. Way too long.
This weekend me and L are going to go up and stay in Estes Park in a cabin right near Rocky Mountain National park, should be a good escape for us - we both dearly need it I think.


 - by the numbers  -  reply
_____ _____ why dont you come and save my life now, I want to get my soul to heaven ... dont you question..
I think those are words from a song that I heard..
I think I am on the outer ring on a new spiral. Or has it been before, least thats what I think. Everywhere I turn, at first I do not see it then the harder I look, it makes itself apparent. Is it because I look harder that I see it, or do I build it in efforts to see if it is there? "dreams, thoughts and run on sentences"
I have been trying to find inspiration to write... but everywhere I look there is war chat for inspiration, babbling about "end times"... bla bla bla. My whole life the "pastor" or whoever was in a place of authority was trying to yank my chain get me to fit into some nice little category or checkbox. Of course now I sound like the renegade backsliding teenager that attends church for the friends.

  re: by the numbers  
greetings to slackerdude and all. A synoptic click of the shutter and review of time blocks. O to remember when I was in my 20's [now I'm 47] and my idealism and disillusionment with pop culture's wishy-washy splash and gleem for nada. Suddenly clinging to a new ideal and identity...one wrapped around the goooz bibble and personal holyness...the entire universe seemed to look at me differently. An overwhelming friendlyness of every molecule. The cosmos was created to entemple the name of GOD...and I knew that name for the very fist time. Knowing took on a whole new depth. My friend gave me so much at that time. Jesus was magic to me then. Tim e litt er al l y s t o p p e d. We would stand in the middle of a noisy busy factory with fork lift trucks rumbling by and talk about questions I had and the Spirit would give him answers and we would converse un assailed by any of the commotion of 'this life'. . . . . . buenos noche amigos....via con dios....adios. NOW a new adventure awaits those whose gooo is bigger than a clique.
  re: by the numbers  
i think if they read their own bible, they would understand for themselves' as goo intended it. but, on second thought, maybe they did read their own bible, and they did understand as goo indended them to understand it.. that way you would be irked to think about it.. so goo could say whatever it is that it needed to.. but then again, goo could be filling my pours with poison laced suger too.

if you didn't realize, i'm struggling with my world view right now, and i guess this reply is intended to provoke other strugglings that might contribute... ;)

 - nice  -  reply
this statement is something would rather have never read "An Oregon anti-terrorism bill would jail street-blocking protesters for at least 25 years in a thinly veiled effort to discourage anti-war demonstrations, critics say." You can read it here


 - view  -  reply


 - what do you want to be (peel)  -  reply
I have started writing this entry about 10 different times all suffering from being deleted about 3-4 lines in.
Perhaps some Aphex Twin - Windowlicker will cure my ills ...


 - matrix  -  reply
Matrix 2 which I think is really Matrix Reloaded is due out May 15th...

Mines


 - peeling through  -  reply
I am what you think I am and nothing more. Who is to change your great opinion, to sway your every thought. If I think you think what you do, then what does it matter. Tomorrow will come, yesterday will surely die. You will still think as you do, and I will always do as I do, weather the two meet in-between remains to be seen. Is the folly in predicting the outcome and believing, stead waiting your course and watching the reality? Will it matter in 10 years anyhow? Probably not.
  re: peeling through  
I found out a friend died. The man that turned us all on to mine exploration. A very healthy looking 59. "Dave" everyone called him but his name was James...Calzia. Marathon runner. I suspect no matter how late he worked the night before he'ld drive from Brighton to Boulder and run up and down the front range. He could run up the entire Lookout Mountain trail. AMAZING MAN. He survived and accident many many years ago he wasn't supposed to be able to ever walk again...I think many things about my friend "Dave". He had an amazing array of old vehicles International Scout with a chevy engine. Beautiful Yellow Jeep with lights on the roll bar and a 'beater' Scout. I'll miss talking to you Dave about this wonderful state you so enthusiastically explored...

 - The Daily Epiphany  -  reply
http://www.dailyepiphany.net

 - oxymoron  -  reply
"Young adults learn from reality tv" - that statement sounds like an oxymoron. Least does not seem to mirror reality in any way, but then I suppose it depends on the way you look at it. Still a damn funny headline to read on yahoo news.
and also...
"The man who shot and killed abortion doctor Barnett Slepian five years ago is a religious terrorist, prosecutors said, a zealot who stalked his prey with the dispassion of experienced hunter. " sure he is, kill him right back. Heck kill everyone that has killed anyone - update me in a couple years on how its going.
Who should take the responsibility on dishing out the killing though?
People that are close (family?) of the victim I suppose. Could become quite an effective circuit for those people that should eliminate themselves in that fashion. Survival!
We are the takers, and take we shall, give us our oil wells, yes you heard me right, they were ours to begin with!
Things are speeding up elsewhere, our house is for rent, an ad has been posted in the Loveland newspaper - now to find someone to rent it, and hopefully not loose the ability to rent the house we want by someone else renting it first! That would be a bummer....
I posted an entry on an IBM research ip address connecting to my website every 45-60 seconds or so for an hour ... and my lovely computer locked up as I tried to post it. POS.
We have people coming to look at our house tomorrow ... they want to move in ASAP! ack.perhaps.nak (I like that statement, nice website title perhaps...) that should be my next domain ackperhapsnak.com or something like that... hm
My government job is going well, I am enjoying being paid for doing something I enjoy doing well as a job (the something being web development). Working from home as a web developer is a nice situation. For once I have no complaints about anything.

  re: oxymoron  
Does it matter whether the shows are realistic or not? In retrospect I'm horrified to realize how much I've learned about life from sitcoms. Granted I didn't actually learn anything about life itself, but I've often acted on that information. It's taken me years to identify what social habits I've gotten into were invented by writers and what actually exists.
  re: oxymoron  
I had no idea what the term "gay" meant until I started watching "Three's Company" back in the 70's. Granted, I was still a little young to really understand what it fully meant...but the weekly scenarios about Jack Tripper pretending to be gay so he could live with 2 girls for cheap rent opened up a whole new world for this innocent little mormon girl from Idaho.....so ya, I learned about homosexuality from a sitcom....what's wrong with that? If it wasn't for Three's Company, who knows how long my parents would have kept me in the dark about that kinda stuff. Let's not even get into how much I learned from watching "The Facts of Life"....the title speaks for itself, eh?...:)

 - solution please  -  reply
I am a reveler. I was placed in this position by someone who knows. Reveling all the way. Tomorrow is a full moon, perhaps there will be hell to pay, perhaps not. I was told that this was inevitable. Which was? Only time will tell. So our president wants to go to war, what should we do about it? To support or not to support? What is the real question, who really knows the depths get to deep to sort, makes for a sloppy solution.

 - 1000 bc water system mideast  -  reply
http://www.gulf-news.com/Articles/news.asp?ArticleID=80798

 - Denver!  -  reply
Just heard on the news, a Denver man was arrested by the FBI for plotting to blow up government buildings in Denver. The guy actually paid an undercover FBI agent to do this. Nice that they caught him before he was successful.
More N. Korea blather: http://www.abc.net.au/am/2003/03/08/20030308am07.asx chilling to listen too actually.
"If American forces carry out a pre-emptive strike on the Yongbyon facility, North Korea will immediately target, carry the war to the US mainland,"
Soo this is what the missile shield will defend against...


 - is sa sol le ez (3/8)  -  reply
Yay! Let the party begin! Sooo... war soon with Iraq, and North Korea says "..will soon have the capacity to rain missiles down upon most cities in the United States." why the hell does this bullshit make it too the mainstream news? Is this news???? What should we do about it? Buy ducktape? Build bomb shelters? Buy some bottled water? Bite our nails off? Drink beer? Support the economy? What? How about going about life as normal? I am just getting f-ing pissed off. So 3/7 was wrong. Same month is close enough for me. That will be number 2. So b us h will visit n. korea, and I suppose they will try to nuke the general area.
I know, I will attempt to build a desk, ergonomic even.


 - cave  -  reply
The adventure started as the sun was barley touching the sky, giving the clouds that luminescence that could be from a rising full moon. The setting was different. It was the parking lot of a dennys, we were hurriedly jamming our backpacks full of equipment, for once I seemed to be the one that they were waiting for to finish. We walked passed the restraunt and towards a nearby mountain face. Me, pulling on my pack and hurriedly trying to fasten the straps to my pack as our pace quickened. The woods at the base of the mountain seem to approach us, the darkness seemed to gather strength in opposition to the supposed rising of our sun. I could not seem to tighten my backpack straps correctly; my pack felt like it was trying to jump off my back as our pace quickened as we dove into the swaying pine forest with its quiet whisper around our ears. We now almost at a full run - well as full of a run that could be had with a pack bouncing around on your back. Arms flailing in efforts to stave off the snatching branches, as we made our own trail forward. My brothers ahead of me thrashing forward with unfaltering gusto suddenly halted. I nearly crashed head long in to their backs but instead dashed around them only to stop dead in my tracks staring at the man they were talking to. He was sitting in the middle of this wood, trying to sell them some odd trinkets. Being polite as a startled out of breath person can be, we all panted to him I polite "no-thank you" while glancing at each other. We knew what we all were thinking, like being struck by lightening and reeling from the shock of it we started off again. Glancing back after a few steps into the thickening forest, I could no longer make out the shape of seated figure. Dismissing any fears that were trying to edge into my mind, I shook my head and continued forward. Breaking free of the forest in a skidding of feet, we simultaneously bent our necks at painful angles to look up at the mountainside that suddenly presented itself to us. After a quick glance to each other, an unspoken decision was made. We started up the incline that followed the mountain face up. Towards what I had no idea. As our pace slowed on the incline my mind had a chance to play catch up, and questions of why we going this way, and what our ultimate goal was clouded my concentration. Passing another traveler who was however in what appeared to be a deep slumber. Confused I continued on my task. Slowing, and falling slightly behind my younger brothers, my head bowed to the task at hand, lungs trying to collect the thinning air. I paused trying to catch my breath, looking up I saw my brothers ahead waving to me to hurry up. I scrambled up to where they were standing to see them with another traveler at the mouth of a cave or perhaps a old mine. This traveler was smiling, remaining silent and motioning with his hands that we continue into the gaping hole in the side of the mountain. Cautiously we pressed into the darkness, and after a few steps a glow started to grow around us and light the path that our faltering feet were attempting to follow. As the light grew brighter, we could make out many travelers gathered near the walls of the quickly widening cave. Unconsciously slowing to a shuffle we peered with great interest at the people around us, none paying any attention to us, all with packs and dressed ruggedly as we were
  re: cave  
Is there more to this? You've captured my attention and I want to know the rest of the story.

 - gnostic or what  -  reply
Someone please tell me when the end times are here, oh please, please, please. What else is there to look forward too?
I can imagine hell being stuck in a dream and not knowing it, while someone watches and laughs, while you watch them laughing, not knowing what you are watching, thinking its great fun you teach the other people watching how to torment you. Hm. Sounds like as much fun as stabing yourself in the eye while watching and not being able to stop, because if you stop you die. Or something


 - grr ack ugh  -  reply
yes thats all I have to say


Anyways, I just realized that my website was generating about 100 or so errors per month for the index page, which is a bad thing. Made some changes, hope it is fixed!
I could use a bowl right now


 - statement regarding Moby   -  reply
Well finally, I actually agree with this persons view on the matter of Iraq, that person being "Moby"

 - story parts  -  reply
Went on a field trip to see a toy maker.
He was a large soft man.
He could fit in a small box
and carry himself around
This he liked!
You ever see hellraiser? Those are the toys I saw him build.
Many varied designs, all intricate mechanical toys that opened and moved when touched.
So was his box
The boy in the story was not a boy, but a man
He walked from the toy makers shop to a nearby store
In the small white clap board store
Was an old wrinkled lady
This lady knew the boy was a man
The boy bought 5 very small plastic bottles of different rum, all for the price of $4.85.
It of course was a special
Smiling now, the boy left
Only to watch the toy maker smashing himself into a tiny mechanical box, all the while smiling like it was his birthday

He was sitting in class wondering why people were staring at him
He had a white long sleeve button up shirt on
There was an identical red shirt sitting on his desk
In class he attempted to don the red shirt
Of course he put the shirt on backwards, and of course could not fasten the buttons
The Sister Teacher offered to help, not so much help that the shirt was securely buttoned, but only fastened one button
This was ok, the boy could slouch
Never mind that everyone was staring already
But he had his red shirt on
Flash ahead awhile
See what comes next


 - sentiment  -  reply
Found this sign this last weekend up near Stout, CO

(taken by Lisa :)


 - investment!  -  reply
I am going to invest some cash in tin foil cranium shielding technology. How much cash you are probably wondering, well probably a large sum of money, like at least $5 - $10 dollars for materials, and probably $20 - $80 in labor. I foresee the completed cranium shield will be a multi-layer foil technology, probably built into a baseball cap with ear flaps. Also, there should be a retractable face shield for those moments when a friendly law enforcement officer would like to try to read your mind with his portable cerebral cortex quantifier. Then one would simply have to release the handy face shield release cord, and snicker behind the multi-layer mind ray proof semi-flexible cranium shield with retractable face shield. Perhaps the face shield should be optional. Some lights on the inside would be nice for those long paranoid stints of cowering behind your face shield, wondering who it trying to probe your mind for un-approved government thoughts.

and for some laughs: http://www.tinfoilhelmet.com/

AND more laughs!:http://www.whitehouse.org/iraq/facts.asp


 - somewhere near i wonder somewhere  -  reply
3/7/03 is the next ... perhaps

Anyways, read this


 - oh please please lick my brain - it tastes like candy  -  reply
bla bla bla ...

Someone please tell me with "authority" why we should or should not go to war with Iraq? What I want to know is what all these anti-war people are thinking? From what I read, Saddam seems like a bad guy that should have been taken out in 1991 or sooner. Are there other "bad guys" out there that should be taken out? I suppose there is Osamma Bin...whats his name, should be taken out - why that has not been completed I have no idea. All depends on whos eyes you are looking through. Trying to appease all people is hopeless. Pick your enimies, and your friends, treat each as such and be done with it. I read "Saddam vows to die in Iraq" well good for him, what the hell are we waiting for? From my understanding, the war will not be targeted at the people of Iraq, but at the Baath(sp?) party leadership. I have read that the CIA gave Saddam weapons of mass distruction, or at least the know how to build them. If this is the case, and he is on USA's shit list now, then whats the hold up with war? He says he has no weapons, then later he says oops, I just found these laying in my backyard, oh yea here is some more. While secretly laughing and waiting for the right time to cause the most damage I suppose. Do I worry about him attacking us here? Not really - because it has not happened yet. (Let me know if I am wrong) Do I worry about the rest of the mess? That comes and goes, based on whats on the news, or what new documentary on WMD or lost uranium, is on the idiot tube at night. Probably be better off ignoring both things and pretending that everything is ok. Then everything would be ok, until reality catches up.

bla bla bla ...

  re: oh please please lick my brain - it tastes like candy  
Man, I keep wanting to reply to this, but it's so fricking complicated that I don't have the time to address it properly. So here's the shortened version. Should we have to be told with authority 'not' to go to war? I think we should approach the situation from the opposite direction. Because I would rather try and convince myself that people will be dying for a cause instead of asking 'people will die, why not?'. The middle east is an area bogged down with so much history that it's nearly impossible for us (as a young US citizen) comprehend. We can't forget that religion is involved, and while we're religious in the US, it's nothing compared to the middle east. Those people experience true persecution, and religion defines their universe. I'm afraid of the precident this sets, who are we to forcefully become the religious arbitrator in the area? My point being that religion sets the politcal agenda in the middle east, and while I'd like to think I understand, I don't.

Here's where it gets complicated. The question I ask myself 'what course of action will save the most live, and end with the least lives destroyed (of the living)?'. A question much easier to answer in retrospect. For example, it's said that by bombing Japan we saved at least 900,000 (japanese citizens) lives, even though we killed 100,000 in the process. Now Saddam is a bad man, there no question about that, but think about what we're risking. The internation tension is rising. Korea is becoming very defensive, and rightfully so, because Kim Jong Il is also a bad man. Yes, we can take out Iraq, easily... but how about the entire muslim world?

I'm going to leave it at that, because this conversation really deserves talking, it's just too darn complicated. I.e. are we bluffing, what about oil, bush's agenda, isreal, the UN.. too much.

 - preciseoonmundo  -  reply
oh yes, brainwash me please, make me forget what I thought about tomorrow, make me forget those nasty little guilt trips, justify my flapping tounge, spread some mc goo on my throat, pet my little beady eyes, stroke my chin for me, un-ravel my brain, lay it end to end with everyone elses brain, tell me the spots that are bad, engineer me a better attitude, grow me a cat to pet, a bottle to grasp, teach me what will make me feel nice : and after all that is done, you feel like shit.. and they say, you need more of it to fix it. coupons are good for this, then you can get a case of confidence, and a super size smile, cheese smiles are my favorite especially with a side of conversational jazz

OK! We all need one or two of these! Oh yea!


 - itch d@mn it!  -  reply
I want to do something, I want something to happen, seems to be a strain I cannot put my finger on, and all I can do is almost hear it, and twitch with the effort to identify the exact source. All the while the sound swims through my head. I then wonder if perhaps I imagine it. An almost itch, something that if I could see I would probably scoop it out in a heartbeat with a spoon. Then like some angry schoolboy prepare to fling it at the nearest passerby. After it is gone, I of course will mourn its absence and flail in the moment looking for something else to scratch at. So in the still as I heard once before, “scream, scream a hundred bad dreams”. (Which track is that anyways…) Another track I like “Stretched On Your Grave” not for the words but for the atmosphere.

By the by, yesterday was monumental day towards the goal of advancing life here in Colorado :)

  re: itch d@mn it!  
The 'scream, scream a hundred bad dreams' is from a Chris Smithers tune called 'Clap Hands' that Mulvey recorded on his deep blue album. Did I burn you a copy of his CD's awhile ago, or did you come upon this music itself? I just saw him at Shank last week, he's frickin incredible.

 - work!  -  reply
I am at home at work, or is it at work at home ... hm. Today is my first day on the new job, from what I can see of the project, it will not be too hard - more fun if anything. Though I can see myself going a little batty staying in the house all day everyday - save for the weekly 1 hour meeting at the office I work for. I figure I am going to have to pace myself so I do not finish this project to early...

Wish I was able to go visit LL before I started this project, as I get no vacation days or holidays. So I will have to wait until this contract is complete before going anywhere out of state.

My head feels empty today otherwise .. feel like I am in a thinking stasis .. yes thats it


 - take your terrorists and shove it  -  reply
The Demise of Model Rocketry?
Me and my son have launched many of these types of rockets ... pathetic that we have some paranoid idiot trying to ban such a thing.
I have a feeling there will be a state of fear created and woven so tightly with life that we wont be able to escape. Even there will be no more terrorist attacks. And if there are, I can just picture some terrorist idiot trying to buy model rockets for the task. Not. Can we please ban jet planes and suv's, I am more afraid of those than anything. Every time a jet flies over I instinctively duck and run like hell. When an suv drives by I of course choke in the noxious fumes while trying to squint through the gloom to see if the driver looks "foreign" while having my index finger poised above the terrorist alert button on my cell phone...
I am soo sick and tired about hearing about "the alert level" that we find out later "was based on rumor". So we finally have the government saturated with self-righteous insane idiots. How nice.

On a lighter note, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LISA! :)

  re: take your terrorists and shove it  
i have a novel idea. lets ban everything that has any potential to be a threat to people... including teeth.
  re: take your terrorists and shove it  
but then who will chew our food for us?!! ahhhh!!!
  re: take your terrorists and shove it  
No kidding. The last alert was placed before they bothered to even check up on the informant. They would be much more accurately named CYA Alerts, because that's the only reason we have them. The politicians in power don't want to be blamed for not anticipating an attack, so they dilute our fear, rendering the alerts useless.
  re: take your terrorists and shove it  
similarly, i think the "threat level meter" is more likely a population psyche gage. they heighten the altert level and see how much power they posess be observing/measuring the population's paranoid responses. this latest one worked quite well.
  re: take your terrorists   
Thanks for the birthday wishes :)
People need to start taking responsibility for their own goddamn safety...for instance, if you pour scalding hot coffee all over your dockers and then sue Mcdonalds for making it too hot you are a fucking idiot...probably the same fucking idiot that bought a case of duct tape because Donald Rumsfield said it would be a good idea. Why can't ppl stop being robots and use their own brains....what happened to common sense and taking responsibility for your own safety instead of relying on the government to tell you if you're safe or not. We should all have "terrorist alert kits" labeled COMMON SENSE...not just for terror attacks but for earthquakes/windstorms...faulty wiring in the basement. Being "prepared" in general can be useful for many situations...not just stupid terror alerts.
  re: and also  
www.danternet.com
  re: take your terrorists and shove it  
While I agree with your point, the McDonalds lawsuit has a lot of misconceptions. Here's a site I googled for that has some good info. They kept their coffee at an extremely high temperature to get more out of grounds. The woman only sued for damages (which were extensive, 6% of her body had 3rd degree burns, a lot of which 'you know where'). The judge awarded her punitive damages which are based off of the companies net worth (or gross, I can't remember). Which is why she got the 2.7 mil, but she didn't ask for it, the judge wanted to set an example. Even that was reduced to $480,000.

Now suing McDonalds because you ate too much and gained weight, when the caleries are posted on the wall inside, is stupid.

 - amazing  -  reply
I landed my first major web development contract, with the nice side-effect of working from home - only have to go into the office once a week for status updates.
Now I am nervous - this project as a definite deadline, a "must be finished by" date. Lots of stress, though I seem to work best under those situations. Still nervous though. Excited.

words from a song I heard last night "I am happy, I found my friends finally, they are in my head", think it is a Nirvana or STP song ... dont recall the title soo I am blasting all the Nirvana and STP I have in efforts to find it... if you know it lemme know

  re: amazing  
It's Lithium by Nirvana :)

I'm so happy cause today I've found my friends
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's ok, cause so are you
Broke our mirrors
Sunday morning is every day for all I care
And I'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze cause I've found God
  re: amazing  
more words:
I'm so horny but that's ok, my will is good
  re: amazing  
I'll be there in 20 mins :)

 - oldie but ... what?  -  reply
So now "we" know how old the universe is, 13.7 billion years old, or young. Hmmm now what.
http://map.gsfc.nasa.gov/m_mm/mr_age.html

  re: oldie but ... what?  
the info is amazing...even more is how they interpret with athourity...as if they could know the only true interpretation of the facts

 - westward seen  -  reply
This morning was a foggy morning, thick and restricting in some areas. So thick it seemed as if I was the only human in existence. I was driving along at a slow northerly clip, enjoying the surreal fog swirling around. Peering this way and that in effort to discover some strange icon lurking in the fog waiting to be discovered. Plodding along astride my metal carriage allowing the momentum of the moments carry me toward my destination. Cocking my head and squinting upwards through my chipped windshield, in efforts to see some sort of hint of sky in the glowing mist, I let my eyes settle to watch the tops of telephone poles creep by, mist swirling purposely about. Day dreaming, in a slight daze resulting from a lack of proper sleep, I followed the path stretched out ahead of my jolting ride. My westward almost focused eyes bobbing along the all too recognizable wooden testaments to the age of the telephone, I successfully staved off drooping lids, my retinas focusing on a large feathered object perched in the mist atop one of the approaching testaments. Blinking then squinting while releasing my gas pedal to a more relaxed position, allowing my metal carriage to shed speed as I approached the feathered creature, I again craned my neck in efforts to better investigate. An owl! In daylight nonetheless!
As I drew near to its man-made perch the gray bird swiveled its head around to point a wide eye circled in white feathers in my direction. Following my slowing approach, I wondered if the owl’s head bothered to continue its backward swivel to investigate me as I passed.

...


Lisa! Happy Valentines love! :)


 - fiction  -  reply
like an ascending tone, the wave is getting tighter and tighter ...
events are starting to speed up ...

oh yes and dont forget to "ducktape" the seams on a room in your house
ha!


 - dry pen  -  reply
This little article is supposed to do what for us?
http://www.usatoday.com/usatonline/20030211/4854954s.htm
my favorite question from the above article:
Q: What should I do in a radiological attack?
A: Seek shelter below ground and stay there until told otherwise. If you're caught outside,lie on the ground and cover your head.(ha!)

and of course the "Are You Ready? A Guide to Citizen Preparedness" from our friends at www.fema.gov/areyouready


 - disgusting ...   -  reply
even the cat sniffed this and sneezed...


 - work!  -  reply
Had a phone interview last Friday 1pm, got a call first thing this morning wanting to schedule a face-to-face interview. Yes! This job will be a web development job working from home full time, getting paid well even. The cosmic goo does work in amazing ways!

 - And I was worried before?  -  reply
Had to move this up front...

http://www.workingforchange.com/article.cfm?ItemID=14481

Scary Shit

"Domestic Security Enhancement Act of 2003"
Which is:
" the draft language of proposed legislation that would update and sharply expand 1991's USA PATRIOT Act"
patriot2-hi.pdf (7mb) high res pdf
patriot2-low.pdf (1.4mb) low res pdf
Wonder what the "CONFIDENTIAL - NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION" means ... ?


  re: And I was worried before?  
This wouldn't be so scary, except for the precedent(ha! a pun) that has come before us.

This whole thing may or may not be true, we'll find out soon enough. If it is though, it's a serious breech in trust. Habeas corpus is one of our fundimental rights, how could our government even *play* with the idea of removing it?

 - weblog directory...  -  reply
http://pepys.akacooties.com

 - danternet happenings  -  reply
http://www.danternet.com

 - shuttle Columbia   -  reply
interesting shuttle Columbia information ... if you can call it that. Wonder what will come of the pictures? Would be nice to see them.

 - wo  -  reply
We have snow...how exciting




What does this say? (I agree, hint, mj prohibition)


 - TIA baby  -  reply
Must read this it is an article about "John Perry Barlow" and his view on the "Total Information Awareness" project.
They even mention my favorite author "Philip Dick" right along side "George Orwell" and "Aldous Huxley".


This neat poster was made this week in N. Korea, gee, what does it mean? Any ideas?

  re: TIA baby  
and here's another...

  re: TIA baby  
and another ...


 - weekend...  -  reply
It got up to around 74f this last saturday ... then on sunday it snowed for the first time in months, since November actually.
Saw a bobcat on the hill/mountain in the last picture, easy to see but taking a picture of it is impossible without a serious zoom lens, especially with a digital camera.






There is a climber in this picture...


 - slosh the jug  -  reply
So 666 came and went, nothing of it, numbers given meaning have them - to be re-applied - over and over. Forgetting them; they loose their luster, rememmber them, slop on a meaning. Blamo - all better. Monks. And beer. Rather hops. Not for the "high" but as food. I suppose.
  re: slosh the jug  
did we really slosh through 2 jugs last night? We'll have to do a driveby past the "fillup" station tomorrow :)

 - irritation  -  reply
I am having a problem not biting my fingernails; I have beaten it in the past, only to start another bad habit - chewing my lip. Yes I know petty ... but irritating as hell. I am not even consciously thinking about it. Seems to just happen. Of course I consider myself an adult and should be able to tame this, but alas the problem still haunts me. Haunts me to the point of realizing that my nails are nubs and I am chewing nubs. Disgusting I tell you. It seems easier to control an ejaculation, or controlling an orgasm. Ridiculous.

In keeping myself busy and from stagnating while looking for a new place of employment, I have revived my old link page to find that many websites I have used in the past for such things as JavaScript reference, or for buying car parts online are no longer in existence. Seeing it first hand with a point of reference gives some new light to how many places have gone under and/or away.

I said today in a passing conversation, in response to someone calling someone else "psycho" - "Isn't everyone to some degree, in their own way?". Someone else’s "psycho" sounding talk, or seemingly "psycho" behavior is probably normal to someone else out there. Even if one is disturbed in realizing that what one person was trying to pawn off as a normal "lifestyle" was far from it. Stepping back and reading about these behaviors, and reading where they have root in, only makes it more sinister. Amazing what a person can train another into feeling, doing and thinking, even if they are contradictory to everything they have known. At some point there is a part of the effected person that breaks off in efforts to understand what is happening, and to try to make it fit into what the other part thinks is a "normal" category. Between the two parts of the same there is some sort of memory loss, or the evolving of the ability to let this other frame of mind handle the weirdness. The fragment starts to crave this deviant behavior as it thinks it is "normal". While this is in direct contradiction to the way the other fragment feels. How can a person feel and believe two contradictory trains of thought at the same time? And act on both without them stepping on each other?

  re: irritation  
multiple personalities - might be the explanation. abuse has that effect. at any level.
  re: irritation  
Yah, I bite my lip too. It's amazing how well it heals, I figure I should be disfigured by now. You can also tell my precise state of my mind by looking at my cuticles. Right now I'm doing pretty good, went through a anxious spot so there are hangnails, but they are on their way to healing, showing that I've been well adjusted for about 3 weeks now.
  re: irritation  
still nibbling ... so I must be maladjusted ... and yes I have/had/am biting my damn lip

 - Lassitude (Lisa's website)  -  reply
http://www.lassitude.com

 - someone  -  reply
Please tell me how to remove a " or a ' from a string using asp?! I have tried using chr codes as a search string and double quotes, and double quoting the quotes...to no effect. sigh.
Started rebuilding my "links" page I had a year or so ago, going to build it jointly with Lisa ... still have quite a few old links in the db that should be seen ... least thats my humble opinion

Had 3 eggs, 2 hash browns for breakfast...then realized I dreamed about that several days ago. That and an unknown phone number. Still trying to track down the "Where" of that number. Closest I could find is "Gates Rubber Company" in Denver...hm

  re: someone  
because ' and " are special characters, i think you'll have to escape them with a \

using the backslash i can type \ in this form without asp processing it as html tags... i think.. did it work?
  re: someone  
guess it didn't work.


 - hello operator  -  reply
give me number nine.


 - solution  -  reply
If you see a puzzle that you have never seen before, and when you see the puzzle, you instantly see the solution (not saying that it is simple..) but that the solution is as apparent as the puzzle once it as seen... would you want to complete the puzzle? If all you saw was puzzles and solutions to them, what would there be..? Do I even need an example? Do you? Do I. Sure there are crazy people, but does that matter? Soo if all you could see is solutions, why wouldnt you enact them all?

What is a careless whisper?

Can I come?

Questions I am not supposed to ask.

Solutions I am not supposed to know.

Are you supposed to go?


 - lucid wierdness  -  reply
In a dream last night I was given a phone number 744-4769, though I don’t remember the area code, or even if one was given. Though as I type this 206 pops in my head. In my dream I was going on some sort of road trip, and had stopped at a little open air diner and ordered 3 eggs over easy and 2 hash-browns. I asked the man for the phone number of a radio station I used to listen to regularly in Milwaukee, as I wanted to request some driving music on the order of "The Pixies". He pointed to a nearby phone and told me to call information. A lady answered and kept referring to me as "cowboy" whom I am not, nor do I think I talk like one (however that is).

 - sneaker  -  reply
"United States and South Korea agree to bring North Korean nuclear issue before UN Security Council. Washington will demand sanctions."
Didnt North Korea say awhile back that "Sanctions mean war"?

Soo how do I start my own country? Or religion for that matter.
Hmmm... "Melchizedek", "Mormon" (dare I laugh?)
"Karitane part of the Polynesian Te Parata group, is a tiny (14 square miles) island at 32°S 152°W" How do we move there? Is it real? How does one buy an island, are there any left "for sale"? Who does one buy it from??? Hrmph.

Ahhh! Some real information!
Then there is "apelord" ...

  re: sneaker  
And of course we all know how well sanctions work! Look at cuba, they've been doing everything we've said for the last 40 years. Oh wait.. they haven't? Hhhmm okay then, but I'm sure it'll work with North Korea, I mean look at how well it worked with Iraq. Oh wait.. we did go to war with them. Not to mention that sanctions only hurt the populace. Who in their right mind figures that since sanctions have been placed, the ruling elite is going to go through some hardship? If anything it rally's their peoples hatred of us, because after all, it's our fault they aren't getting all the food they need. Especially with a country like North Korea that doesn't have any free press or open media. For once in my life I'm on the bully side of things, and it sucks.
  re: sneaker  
Oh, and be careful when you start your own country. The US might oust you for your own good.

 - all the way  -  reply
Things suddenly are getting thicker I think. Getting port scanned by a dc.gov ip cannot be a good thing. Why they would is what I want to know. Any clues?
What are the following TCP ports for:
5307, 17574, 3971
Then I see some yahooo from ancho.bbnplanet.com run their grimy little finger along my dsl. Why? Why dont you just bugger off!

Ok found some info:
5307 TCP sco-aip SCO AIP
5307 UDP sco-aip SCO AIP
17569 TCP Infector (closest I could find)
17593 TCP Audiodoor

Why though???!!!


 - anyone?  -  reply
"the Kids in the Hall" are still good damn it ... while SNL and such are on a downward slide ... We will see. Does anyone else share this view?
  re: anyone?  
They're still making new episodes? I had no idea. Always enjoyed them in the past, good to know they're still working together.
  re: anyone?  
Nahh they are not making new ones far as I know, I was just watching re-runs...

 - not 222 yet  -  reply

This goes along with the earlier snowdrift pictures...


 - violent  -  reply
"Bush plan gives huge tax break to buyers of big SUVs"
Oh that just pisses me off...
He should make lots of dough off of the oil for those big pieces of shit, especially once he owns Iraq...

  re: violent  
I bet Rush Limbaugh's fat fucking SUV driving ass is happy as hell about that little tidbit. Go back to the 80's you stupid motherfucking yuppy reagan-ite tree killers YOU!!
  re: violent  
Dear Bush,
you have officially made it to the top of my shit list.
  re: violent  
disclaimer:
any personal acquaintances owning suv's, I forgive you for your ignorance :)
(4 cyl vehicles are not suv's are they?! oh no!)
  re: violent  
It's heartening to know others feel the same way. Except I don't think it's fair to pick on Limbaugh because he's overweight, he has many more glaring flaws to rip into.

 - adventure...  -  reply
this weekend we found snow here:(bigger after a click)


snowdrifts to stand on(?), yes it is about 5ft tall, sort of small. Snow was about 5ft deep:



  re: adventure...  
That looks gorgeous. If I hadn't been in Arizona hiking a week ago, you'd have one jealous guy on your site.
  re: adventure...  
Well come on out!

 - wizards  -  reply
Ahhh .... sql "migrate wizard" does not do a complete job, my fault for not double checking the backup...

 - thought  -  reply
I wonder how long I could make it, living with what I could carry? I suppose years possibly... What are the problems with that? Responsibility. Right? What if you got seriously ill? What if you got hurt? I don’t know...
"The American Dream" is that a swear word yet? It should be. "You stupid son of an american dream" should be what every young man yearns to hear. And should be met with a smile. Thank you sir, may I have another?
What would I do without my legos? Without my computer? Without my natural gas powered heater? Without my $600 bed thats not comfortable enough? Without places to buy fast-food at? What is fast food? What about my beer? What about spam? Or junk-email? What will I do without commercials? Dear goo what will I do? (goo is my stand-in for the "bible's" "god", or whatever else you want to put in that slot) Will I go to "heaven"? Of course! Will I remember this life? Probably not. Does it matter? Nope. Hey I have an idea, lets feed all the starving children in africa so they can have more children that I can feed(or you can). Of course nature is wrong, fundamentally so. Right?
Dreams hurt no one. Do they now? Um yea right, I think "The American Dream" has hurt enough people.
So at what point "en-mass" do we say "Enough!"? Never of course.
Conflict! Yes!
Join the Army!
You know whats more important than "the" war? The Weather. Yup.

  re: thought  
I would agree. False expectations can do so much to screw up someones happiness. Well things 'should' be better, therefor I'm sad. The one positive I'd like to add is the increase of options. At lease now we have more options. We could live in the forest with what we can carry if we wanted. We can also persue the 'american dream'. I can't say whether it's done more damage than good (waaay too complication.. too many spurious connections) because it also allow people to believe that anything is possible, which is good(I think). Not to mention that we're at a unique point in history, precidents are being set every day. Just look at the internet, it's fundimentally changing human culture around the world. No longer are there (as many) isolated pockets for narrowmindedness to evolve. Information is now avaialbe everywhere, and I can talk to someone in Isreal instead of taking our media's word. This I believe, is good.
  re: thought  
"American woman...go and sparkle someone elses eyes" some 70's song that I recall got my attention...back in the day. The Human Dream. That is what may be better...but there can't be such a thing. Someone always wants to speak for everyone. Barter dreams are different from multi-level-marketing dreams are diffent from holy war dreams...Leavers and Takers have different dreams too probably. Image my own future not as just me but as a Maker...making stuff to leave perhaps. My latest mantra to support my own sanity has been "every moment is a jewel." Living is a cathedral to sing in and to find a wall against which one can piss. Freedom dreams. some characters in my head are adult cops, some are nazis, some are mom some are dad or stepgranddad...facets observing without immediate judgement...seeking freedom inside from some of them or maybe them all.
  re: thought  
Well said. That's where the problem always begins doesn't it? When someone decides that what they've found to work for them should be imposed on everyone. Trouble is, just because it's a good Idea, and does work for you doesn't mean it will work for everyone. Seems obvious to me, but I didn't always think that way. Its usually based off of best intentions, they think 'Hey, it made me happy, lets make everyone happy!'. But my observations/experience has shown me that these types of things need to be dynamic. I like how you said 'My *latest* mantra' which implies that you find different ideas when needed to keep yourself running smoothly. I also find that last metaphor of a facet perspective to be very useful. So much is contained in perspective, yes it's hard to put yourself if the shoes of someone else, but it really helps to try. Especially if you make a habit of it. You'll never be able to consider all angles of an issue because of limited information, so the best you can do is approach it from as many directions as possible, then compare and contrast.

 - so while...  -  reply
So while I am watching "Survivor (or some cheesy spin off)" my TV will jump off the table and push me into the basement, all the while shouting that there is a bomb attack...or something along those lines. Then I will take a 50-pound sledge and smash the damn thing to hell. Tonight we were watching a show called "My Surreal Life" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Oh yea they are going "camping" for the first time in the their sheltered lives...or some other lame plot. Cynical. Useless. So they want me to watch them to pretend to camp...because they’re famous...? No thanks. I want to see them drag their sorry asses up a mountain and sleep in a snowdrift for a week, then perhaps I will actually be interested. Or walk across America, and having to find places to sleep without paying. That would be interesting. Tell them to carry their food with them for a month, filter their water. Figure out what plants they can eat...ugh. Come on people now lets all buy a bigger suv, buy some more oil, snowmobile through Yellowstone, pollute the air a little more, what can it hurt, I will be dead in 20 years or so! Oil oil oil oil. So we buy oil from our enemies. That makes sense. So people who buy oil suport terrorists. How many people have found out which country their gas comes from? Bla bla bla
  re: so while...  
If you want to see some *real* reality TV check out PBS, right now they have two reality shows that place the people back in the Bronze age and frontier america. These people are in it for the long haul.. couple years If I remember correctly. They can only use technology that was present at the time, and only have provisions that would be available. For example the frontier people travel to a trading post miles from where they live, and they can barter (eggs ect) as if it was the old day. I think I've some similar shows on TLC and Discovery, but I haven't watched cable in awhile. Don't hurt your TV, it's just as confused an helpless as we all are. Give it a chance to redeem itself.
  re: so while...  
Me and Lisa watch that show this summer, and both wondered if we could live the life? I think I could...

 - good things  -  reply
"Commerce would also explore new ways to disseminate the warnings through the Internet, cell phones and new technology to turn on TV sets." That is to warn us we are being attacked. I am not sure if this is a good thing, or not.
  re: good things  
it would seem to me that is a bad thing. gov't controlled activation of our personal property is a bad thing indeed. think of what may be next.. our computers, maybe a snippet of java script that turns on our microphones and webcams..
  re: good things  
Why not have our property spy on us? oh wait...

 - tomorrow  -  reply
DJ Shadow - Six Days, "Tomorrow never comes until it's too late..."

 - Exodus or just alarmist  -  reply
Ok so now I know what the bars of the prison look like, I know how they work. Now what?
  re: Exodus or just alarmist  
Hey there, yeah I found that out first hand.. twice actually. Quite a jarring break into reality. All I can say is, pay your speeding tickets, they don't go any easier on you because your in for something stupid.
  re: Exodus or just alarmi  
Well those are not the bars I was talking about :)
  re: Exodus or just alarmist  
Yeah, but it's amazing how much more threatening the real ones are compared to the metephorical ones. Makes the metaphysical much more substantial.
  re: Exodus or just alarmist  
much more substantial or much less?
  re: Exodus or just alarmist  
Definately more. Before the incident, the idea of becoming deprived of my freedom was a vauge unrealized fear. Now I realize how much more possible this is, and need to factor it into my worldview. Providing nice solid bars for my imagination.
  re: Exodus or just alarmi  
meaning, you will never let it happen again?

 - dream parts...  -  reply
I fell into a frozen river, it was really slushy, there were huge ice bergs on the shores, I was trying to swim, but I had all my winter clothes on, and was starting to sink, somehow I made it to the shore and was trying to climb up the ice bergs, they were very slushy, I had my ice axe and was trying to dig into the ice walls and pull myself up out of the water. But it was like I was mostly frozen already and all my movements were really slow, I had no strength. Another iceberg pinned me to the wall of another berg, and was slowly crushing me, I was not panicked, just wonder what it would be like to drown slowly or freeze first. I was trying to claw my way up the ice/slush walls, but it was useless. I think my legs were frozen because I could not move them. Only had semi use of my arms, I felt like I was watching a dying animal seeing myself there trying to uselessly attempt to climb out of the water.

 - hello!  -  reply
After seeing this picture: (full of GALAXIES)

If you still believe we are alone in the cosmos/universe/whatever ... YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID (pardon the childish language)...
OH YEA... you are so special that the one and only "GOD" built you a bible that contains the only truth, and you are soooooo important that the world should come to you for the answer. (I am laughing my ass off now)

  re: hello!  
No Kidding. Wrote a paper on this in high school heh. 100 Billion stars in our Galaxy. 30 Galaxies in our local cluster. 50 clusters in our supercluster. Millions of superclusters string through the universe. That picuture right that you posted was (if I recall correctly) taken from the hubble space telescope of a particularly dark part of the sky, and the astronomers were amazed with the number of galaxies in that one point nearly 14 billion years away. Do the math, even if the probability of life around any given star was .000000000001 you would still have billions of sentient species out there.
  re: hello!  
EXACTLY my point, thank you!
We are alone with our safe little bible that tells us we are special. We like being special. *grin*

 - I think  -  reply
What will you do in 1 year? Or 2 years? What are your plans? What will change, what do you have in control? Can you actually effect a change? Or do you instead resign yourself to forgetting what your goals are? Are you goal oriented? Should you be? Does the grand scheme of things frustrate you? Does the fact that the grand scheme of things escapes you frustrate you? Does the fact that there may be no facts frustrate you? So what if time is vertical? Should that make things easier? What is easier? Some people do what is hard for me without a thought, does that make it different? I suppose it does. Or does it make it useless? One mans squalor is another mans paradise. Does that make either more or less right? My paradise is your hell, what the hell does that mean? Can a person get swallowed up by meanings of words? I suppose so. One mans shortcut could be another’s religion. Perhaps another’s prayer could be the reason for the meaning of another’s hell? Death of one, life of another, who am I to choose? A god? I think not. Do I choose? As a matter of course! Still I think of the dream that led my heels drag through all matter of course. Dirt. Mud. Swamp. Earth. Forest. Snow. Pain. Grass. What IS the point? Don't shove a bible down my throat either. That is the easy way out. Pick the one that works for you and stick to it. Yea right! Like that will make a difference in the end. Belief in butterflies insight is more profound. Tilt, sip, swallow. Tomorrow will come. Dreams will still be. I have stopped writing my dreams down, they seemed so profound in the past, now just seem like some weird echo of what might or could be tomorrow or yesterday. Can I effect an outcome? Is there a way to test that? I suppose not. Warn yourself of problems past tense, practice, try to build an automatic mechanism for pre-problem solving without your conscious knowledge. Perhaps. Like unseen tidal waves smashing into your face, you wonder what they are, while all the while knowing the answer you created through habit. Build an itch so you can spend your life scratching it. I would guess that after awhile (anyone can say) that a callous would form, negating the work to build the reaction. The way of things is so obvious, that enacting it becomes impossible. If not for (cursor blinking...) ...

Will I dream tonight? I suppose not. Will something show me a sign as to the right way? What if that way is not right for someone else effected, then what shall I do? Ponder unanswerable questions to irresolvable problems? I suppose so.



 - another  -  reply
I scanned through the news today, pointless I say. Nothing much new real information, anything that is said has its flavor changed a week later anyhow. If we go to war, we go to war. Selfishly thinking I think I am above the draft age anyway, though many I know are not, including my brothers. I have not really thought about that fact much at all yet. Though if the draft happened, I suppose many more jobs would be available. What a horrible thought. But then planet X should show up in the next 4-5 months anyway, and there will be nothing we can do about either. If a person was to devise a plan of action to effect change, what would be stopping him or her from enacting it other than morals or the fear of death? If a person does not fear death (why should we?) then what? The world still turns for the time being and the virus still tries to rule the world through destruction. Biblical? I think the word "Naïve" should be attached to it. Where should I go to find my answers then? hmm.



 - summer?!  -  reply
I just looked out back at the thermometer, which reads 64 degrees. For early January in the Colorado foothills this is quite acceptable. We have had one snowstorm this season, that was back in September I think, and the snow is long gone.

Got back late last night from driving for 3 days...I left on Sat to drive my son back home to Milwaukee, got there Sun evening, then left to return to CO, got back here at 9:11 last night. To damn much driving. Of course I got sick last Friday which made the trip all that more enjoyable. Thankfully the holidays are over, the New Year is here! Wish me luck on finding good work!

Someone called me "prude" today, I suppose I am, given my upbringing is this really a suprise?!?


 - still I say!  -  reply
This year is starting off much better than last, this much I know, and any improvement is good. Last year this time I was making zilch, this year already is more profitable. The whole of last year was good even, very small portions were down, but that is to be expected. There are parts of the year that are good; focusing on them is best really. I have seen bushes most every single day last year, and they even listened to me! Odd still, I believe I believe those words by breaking it down by the separate meanings are hard. I suppose the last few run-ons were about something, to which I will spend this year investigating. Would be nice to hold your past as a book that could be easily navigated, the different scenes walked through and investigated. Nevertheless I am excited as to what lays ahead. Said a different way could have another meaning that might be considered loaded.
  re: still I say!  
I have to say that you and I had a good 2002...despite all the minor troubles we encountered along the way...thanks to you and your family for making me feel at home in Colorado...the hardest thing I ever did was move last year..but it proved to be the best decision I've ever made and the future's so bright I gotta wear shades. I love my new job and you and I are going to travel the world next year even if it KILLS ME to make it happen...You and I were meant for eachother....of this I'm sure. Here's to a fabulous 2003...if we die via Planet X this Spring...then at least we'll die happy goddammit! YAY FOR US! Loveland ROCKS! Love, yo woman..Lisa:) (p.s. I saw many snakes in the bush this past year thanks to you...YA BABY! KEEP 'EM SLITHERING..I'll be ready and waiting:))

 - I still...  -  reply
I still agree that there should be "No Tacos For Saddam"! ha!

Tomorrow we start the long drive back to Milwaukee - a nice 32+ hours freezing my butt off, 16 for him. (Convertables are not ideal in the winter time) Kind of funny that in CO today it is supposed to be near 60?! As well as the next 4-5 days!

btw, has anyone else out there read Ishmael? If so any thoughts on it? I am anxious to read it again...

  re: I still...  
i've read most of ishmael. i didn't finish it because at the time, everything being said was so close to my perspective already that the book felt like it was dragging along to bring about anything new. i would like to read it again, from a fresh perspective brought about by time (it's been a year or so since i read it). i may realize my thoughts aren't as close to those in the book as i had believed, and they may be able to use some refreshing/updating.

 - anyways  -  reply
Seeing a solution is usually much harder than seeing a problem. I suppose we all should just go about things in the ways we know how, and try to help each other as best we can. It is so easy to judge (yea, yea, "judge not lest...") No excuses, all excuses. Whatever. I am seeing snap shots of a situation and trying to extrapolate from that, which is not a good idea.

 - mp3  -  reply
This should be heard by all, made me laugh: (No Tacos For Sadddam)Andrei Codrescu - track 2.mp3
Interesting that was made back in '93 - '92 I think...


 - basic  -  reply
Oh yes, Happy New Year!

The last weekend I spent it Milwaukee was filled with complete disgust. I could go into details, but people with actual human compassion, or people that have kids they care for, would be upset I am sure. I wonder if they knew how sick he was? Or cared? The doctor was appalled, and questioned me extensively as to his home life. All the while eyeing the filthy filthy jacket he was wearing. Family problems, sure, does that mean it should be hidden away? Should we pretend that the problems don’t exist? Um nope. I have my vice's, but never above caring for a child. Perhaps I am over-reacting??? I tried to be understanding of the situation, but the doctor stirred all sorts of questions. Perhaps if I had endless amounts of money to pour into the situation it would be better. HA. I know enough to know that is not true. If you want to show her this page, go right ahead.


 - anyway I still pray  -  reply
Yes! It is Christmas anyway...
Buy this, buy that...
Tell yourself this means something, somehow...
Mid-history birthday...
Realistic? Actual? Probable?
Its a good thing for the economy anyhow.
One thing I wonder, is the Catholic "faith" any different when it comes to abuse situations, meaning the "trusted pillars of the church"... actually I know that Catholicism is not unique as far as abuse goes, the other "religions" just have had better luck hiding it. Look at the pastor, he is no different than the schmuck sitting behind you. Wish I could effect a change, retro-active for all the living who suffered on account of being weak, or being in the wrong situation at the right time or something like that. I guess perhaps I know too much. We are good at telling stories, and not too good at living the real thing. I don’t think that’s all inclusive but the majority is happy to be smiled at. A prayer request? Do I have one? Of course I do! It is that all the abusive people in positions of authority turn themselves in, or better yet do themselves in and visit hell. Catholics, Christians, Pentecostal, Mormon, no different than the person driving down the road with a "pagan" sticker in their window, and a pentagram over their bed; just a different flavor of the same shit. Just because you dont hear about it means it does not exist right? HA! How nice, please tell me what you use to blind your eyes and dumb your mind, is it without consequence? If so, can you send me two please? Looking to the root of problems I see, and have been involved with, I see abuse. Plain and simple. We give people authority to abuse us in some way or another. Someone please send me the text of the missing books of the bible, then tell me what truth is. Questions are of satan of course. So beware, I have my spell book (it is quite thick) tell me the truth or your hair will turn green. Oh yes, your toenails will turn to grape jelly, by the way please give me 1/10th of your money or bad things will happen to you and the ones you love. Praise the Lord!
It is not that I don't understand what is in power over the heavans and the earth, it is just that I see people using it to better themselves. Saying two things out of their mouth at the same time.
I respect the gods, they are ultimatly in control weather I go to church or not, or weather I pray or not. I pray. I pray often, I dont fold my hands and say "Jesus(God,Lord...)" I simply submit what it is I am feeling about and trust that the answer will show itself. I will accept it as it comes... If somone smokes (whatever), does it mean they are going to hell or what? Tell me the moral law. Can we vote on it? Turn me to stone. By the way... WHY DONT YOU SPIT OUT THAT DAMN FRUIT ALREADY!!! He told you not to eat it, and there you go munching away.
A pastor could have a snakes tounge. Slit eyes. The same could tell you that he is god, and you would kiss his feet.
Am I trying to jamb a way of thinking down your throat? Nope. This is my one way conversation with nothing. I suppose it is like shouting into a can and waiting for an answer. (9:06pm)


 - shivers  -  reply
"Ishmael" is the first book since high school that I have picked up one night and finished reading it the next afternoon. I feel shivers of electricity run down my spine thinking about what I read. What I learned. Of course there is now a great conflict raging in my head. As I read, I see thoughts and ideas that I have had on my own, being reinforced. If I had read this book years ago I would not have understood, or have had the open mind. Now what I have read weighs on me like a ton of bricks. There is a painting called “the scream” or “scream” or something on that order. The other night I had a dream relating to it, which now I feel is real. In the dream, a policeman had used strange leather cuffs to strap my hands to the side of my face, in such a matter that my mouth was forced open in a silent scream. The straps were designed in such a fashion as they slid into one another until holes in each lined up, in which large marbles could be forced, securing the straps. This happened in a gas station, along with several other people, as sort of a demonstration as to “what could happen IF”. If what? I wondered. Still I am not sure. The fact remains that some sort of profound renewal of my way of thinking is taking place, and as a result a sort of excited peace is happening to me. This I do not detest, in the slightest bit. A sort of excitement in anticipation of what will inevitably happen is on me. When I ponder this, I see many parallels and partial truths I have learned. It is like watching a puzzle slowly assemble itself, though I feel that some parts are still missing.

sidenote eh
It is nice to know that the economy is getting better, yet my position was cut due to financial restraints. I was overwhelmingly approved to work for another 6 months by my department, yet cut by higher ups. I work for HP. What does that have to say about things?


 - war on all that oppose us  -  reply
Does nature seem wrong and foreboding for the naïve (insert a more comfortable word in the place of naïve if you like)? Humans are the gods of the earth, here to conquer everything and take, as that is what they were created for. Is that so? We must eliminate diversity; make all un-enlightened heathens follow the ways of us enlightened humans. Eliminate disease. (Isn’t ironic that “natural selection” would probably eliminate the weak and the disease with them?) We are in control, plow under vast expanses of land, build huge cities, and take what you need. Take more than you need, it is yours to play god with. You were created for such a thing. The innocent animal should not die it should live another day. What is injustice? Saving a poor helpless doggie and buy a cheeseburger en route to the clinic. Allow people to mass-produce themselves; we can just plow under more land to feed them. Why is population exploding? As I type this I question it, it pains me to think contrary to the story we all are taught and live. How can it possibly be wrong, as we all (most?) are living it? Is there something more? Well of course. I suppose if a person were to be in touch with “nature”, and understand the way things work, the hierarchy, the law, then accepting what comes down the pipe as right would be easy. Death? Is there a question of what’s after? Does it matter? Is one person so important that all life would cease to exist of one human died? What is the value of human life? Why is it so far removed from the value of other things on this planet? Why is it assumed that people in far removed lands exist for explicit purpose or conquering what we “have” and claim as our own? Why are we not truly happy with staying our place and living on what the land provides? Sure there are arguments to the contrary, and I would guess any number of arguments could be generated to support them. It is only a matter of time until we breech the law of gravity, and of course we already figured out how to do away with the law of nature. If not, we can just nuke the affected location. Take their oil. Take their land; cram them into a single way of living, because all others are wrong. They just need to be shown the light of god. Whose god? Well ours of course. So I sit and eat my pop-tarts and drink my coffee. Save the mouse from the cat, save the cat from the hawk, save the hawk. Does the hawk want to kill ALL cats everywhere? Does the cat want to kill all hawks so that it has more mice for himself? Does the hawk want to kill all cats so he has more mice? Do the mice understand that death is part of their survival, without predators they would run out of food, the population would be unchecked. How are we humans any different? Were we always here on earth? There are many problems with these thoughts, not that the problems are bad. I suppose disease in all its forms could be our predator. Will we finally master all diseases, and force our own balance on nature? We are already finding out that bacteria are figuring out (call it evolution or whatever) how to overcome our ways of killing them. HIV – do you think there will be a magic cure one day? Do you really believe that it won’t figure out how to overcome whatever we devise? Survival. Our survival through conquering of our environment, we just need to fight harder, find better weapons to fight with. We have strength in diversity right? Diversify our weapons! Eliminate all competition. The humans will be victorious over all things, we will plant our flag in the pile of bodies, and die in our stupidity… hmmmm
Yes I admit have been reading "Ishmael"...and need to spout off a bit


 - tired and wasted  -  reply
simple fish swimming in the water not watching where they are going, always swimming, just enjoying the swimming, does that mean they are dumb, or just animals
fellow feelers swishing along waiting for something to scratch that itch, all the while wondering if an itch can be in the mind, and if so, can it be scratched without hurting the organism, or is that part of having the itch satisfied
can a feeling have an itch, and if it has an itch can it know that it should be scratched
i imagine that some people go through life on a nice even keel, is that a truth or is that fiction
why can't foresight be 20/20
how can any adult know what to teach their kids so they will be successful, how can any kid be successful if they don't have proper support
i suppose they look for it somewhere other than where it should be found, if failing of the preferred occurs



 - nada  -  reply
disclaimer: ()

 - ha  -  reply
TSE +27.180 6664.260

 - shroud  -  reply
twisted mind shrouded in fattened congeniality
searching mind looking for support
slow detraction from what was known to be right
conflicting trains of thought fighting for survival
they will hate me
it is because of me
I owe it to the creator for what I am
naive trust in a deviously twisted mind
the slow breaking down of a personality
the attempted shaping of what was left
abuse defined as being normal
twisted yearning for things left better in hell
the sudden confrontation with memory loss and what it is
fragments fighting for control
the mouth piece left cringing in confusion
thoughts not my own forced as such
I should be happy for that control
no I shouldn’t
he of course crys, the others stand by and laugh at this weakness
the friend wearing a cloak of arm round shoulder support simultaneously kicks in your face
then tells you this is the way it needs to be to feel good
the abused becomes the abuser, the abuser smiles lifts you up, then kicks your knees in
before the floor can catch you, a hand reaches down to support you, belonging to the same that sent you down
don't worry, tomorrow I will be back asking for more support, pretend to listen and kick away
forget what I tell you, tell me I am the one in the dark, offer to show me the light please, while your at it, we have more teeth left, care for another shot?
lost time, another was there, taking what I could not


 - easy does it slick  -  reply
You see, this is what is wrong, it is the behavior of the user that creates the problem. Or is this another "chicken / egg" question? The logic is "if this drug was not available, this problem would not exist". Please someone help me understand this...it is the drugs fault, right? Not the twisted mind using it?

  re: easy does it slick  
Drugs, just like anything else are a two edged sword. Just as TV can be constructive (TLC, History Channel) and fun (Comedy Central, Cartoon Network), using it in the extreme can be harmful. For the most part Drugs work this way also. If you know what you can handle (i.e. I know I could never touch coke or heroin because of my addictive personality), it can enhance instead of hinder your life. So if you remove law enforcement from drugs, they end up pretty much everything else.. a vice for some, a life enhancement for other. Granted you can't really take the law out of the equation because that has been our human reaction to them so far, but our reaction is based off of thousands of years of religious influence. If we could start with a clean slate, I think it would be a different situation alltogether. Just look at Europe and Canada, they're changing.. they're starting to realize that the drug war causes more problems than cures. Pot is often described as a gateway drug, but the gateway is created by the law enforcement. If I didn't have to goto scary drug dealers places to get my green, I would never have seen coke or crack or any of the things that a profenssional drug dealer does. I've never gone through that gateway myself, but many people have. So now we have this self inflicted drug problem that self propegates itself. When the solution is the cause in a bureaucracy the course of action most often taken is to try twice as hard at the solution. And I would say that without the drug the problem wouldn't exist.. there was no cocain problem before we noticed the natives munching on cocoa leaves for extra energy, we just took that, refined it, and now we have a problem. But people need vices, if they can't find a drug for their vice, they'll find it elsewhere (i.e. sex, gambling). That's the way I see it anyway.
  re: easy does it slick  
Just wanted to follow up with a quick point. I think people should have as many choices for vices as possible. That way you can find the one that satisfies you but doesn't damage your life too much. It's when I have to choose from a limited selection that I end up with one that weighs in too heavily on the life damaging side of things.

 - crack  -  reply
You know what I am f-ing sick and tired of hearing? "Well at least it is a job" YEA NICE.
"Well least there is air to breathe"
Just shut the hell up with your "at least you have work" CRAP.
For dumb people the "least you have a job" thing might be fine, I am not dumb, and need to be challenged to stay sane. Simple as that, stick that in your f-ing pipe and smoke it.

  re: crack  
Hey bud, ya know my friend from milwaukee the video editing guy gave me the book /Conversations with God/.....and it IS very unexpected and does shred fundamentalist 'logic' I have a copy if you'ld like to borrow it...that is if i can find it. The challenge is_________________________________find someone who gives a shit about your talents and needs....the black iron prison masking a utopian wish-dom? Or is the facade the real stuff and the utopian wish just a figment? Who are the dumb people people that do dumb jobs for 27+ years? I am cracking

 - new facts  -  reply
1. My hair went from light brown with red lines to a strange reddish brown color
2. Soon I will be unemployed
3. My memory leaves something to be desired (like an upgrade or a format, not sure which would do the most good)
4. I was told that the book "Conversations With God" "kicks the Bibles ass"
5. Getting books for kids for Christmas should be the rule, not useless toys.
6. I need to fix my hair color, why oh why did I think it was a good idea to dye it at 11pm thinking it was a good idea?
7. Lacking inspiration for writing
8. Going to Milwaukee for 2 days over the weekend, which means driving all day Friday, and then driving back all day on Monday. 14-16 hours each way. My ass is numb just thinking about sitting that long.
9. I am reading "Puttering about in a small land" by my favorite author, though the book has numerous grammar errors and spelling errors that are irritating
10. Been working on some new website projects, came up with some new and (I think) exciting designs - www.journeyhomes.com/new, www.buffestates.com/new, www.colbi.net/index_new.asp

hmmmm other than that I have given up on the news and written it off as a large propaganda machine...
and the stock markets can go to hell...


 - bland  -  reply
Music:
Bon Jovi - Crossroads
Scorpions
Not that the music is bland...

Spent thanksgiving day in the emergency room, they tell me it will take a couple weeks to recover. Ala pain killers = brain dead me.


 - bla  -  reply
"bin Laden's 'letter to America'" bla bla bla...

 - use less  -  reply
7 21 2
We are our own worst enemy.
The walls are 2 oceans and 2 countries.
The other enemy is craftly hiding in our midst, disguised as one of us. You could be one of them, or I could. We wait to be told which part to play.


 - wheel  -  reply
The world is run by idiots because they're more efficient than hamsters.

 - wayback  -  reply
Now this is a usefull tool!
http://www.archive.org/


 - would you join it  -  reply
Somehow pertaining to Farris F. Fremont... "Don't you think monopoly capitalism with its suppression of the working class and its financing of imperialist wars through puppet regimes should be overthrown?" hmm
I suppose the squeaky wheel gets the grease or the axe, one being as good as the other. There are always many more squeaky wheels, so it because a question of economics...
"Obviously no one can destroy it. No one is safe from it. No one knows where it'll turn up next."
Alert: There is something up, something in motion; a narrow view easily occludes the total entity.
"This was a classic example of how the human mind, lacking real solutions, managed its miseries"
So I sit and drink .20 cents (or less) worth of tea out of a $1.20 glass bottle that I will throw away. $1.40. It is like petting a cat from back to front and expecting it to stay happy and not gnaw your hand off. Well if both died from the resulting static charge all would be well, but the $1.40 bottle will still be there.
Perhaps "glossolalia" is the reason, thoughts instead of language.


 - burned at the steak  -  reply
Updated
Reading this story "Miss World" confuses me...sexual promiscuity and indecency are bad but killing in the name of some antiquated religion is good? "Hey you! Do you like sex? Well prepare to be burned to death! Or perhaps we will just stab you, or burn you and your family in your home while your eating dinner. Or how does a good bludgeoning sound?" WTF is wrong with this picture?! RELIGION HA .100 people.


 - terror  -  reply
thick thoughts
upside down smiles
flashy shows useless sentences
show me neuron bunches
point to the spot that holds some answer
its hard to climb up a downward spiral
if those same neurons were switches my fingers would be flying
shutdown the moments of self indulged reflective brow beating
imagine gathering defective patterns and evicting them
neural house cleaning
i know some who “clear up the cob webs”
wonder how their base fairs
working on a puzzle while some unknown changes the picture
what happens when the unknown is yourself
what happens when understood conflicting views start to fragment
does one gather them in their hands and attempt to smash them back into uniformity

night terror can have so many names
perhaps letting the terror grow and accepting it as something new
perhaps exploring the terror
trying to achieve the terror and embrace it
some long for your terror but never find it

Pointedly absurd observations pertaining to the operation of self

I overheard “Thank God alcohol and caffeine are legal” to which someone replied, “Amen brother”. I would have paid to hear that said in the church I attended.


 - matrix  -  reply
I have heard a rumor that "The Matrix 2" is completed, as well as a number 3, if this is true...when can I watch them!!! Anyone know of any information regarding this?

 - fleeting  -  reply
I recently suffered through an epiphany of sorts. Of sorts because depending the angle I view it from it changes definition and in some respects defies defining. Not that I want a concrete definition of my perceived reality, or want to attach symbols in an attempt to paint it in a light my fellows can relate to. On discussing said situation with myself, the goal being reduction to a solvable equation, I realize that I cannot simultaneously be a part of the equation, and try to solve that same equation. My feeble attempt to solve the equation of course becomes part of an ever-expanding input loop to that equation. Creating a game that could be played infinitely. Solving one part simply makes the whole that much more complex. Forget the chicken and the egg, what is either without something to question or try to define the situation? It all depends on how long you want to play the game, how many iterations you can survive, how many questions you can pose. Some say when you know the answer nothing else matters and death is the next welcome step.

I pose this situation to myself: I am an unknowing participant in my own life. I live others lives next to mine, people I interact with are myself. Parallel, serial, rotational time does not hold any law that can trap the spirit of being. Define spirit I suppose is what you are thinking. Spirit is definition, the defining force that intertwines myself with my others. I hold no conscious memory of other people this consciousness instance interacts with, only vague shadows leaving the feeling of remembering something, and lacking the substance associated with normal conscious remembering. The basics of myself exists in all beings, and basics of all beings exists in myself. Myself not being a container for the whole but only a filter that lets this particular individuality maintain reference in the now reality of life.

This is a temporary end of the test of sanity. Others will soon follow. I of course reserve the right to define "soon" only in reference to myself.


 - parts parts and more parts  -  reply
There is a flurry of moving here at my work, out with the old in with the new. Which means lots of cool things being thrown out, like servers. Lots and lots of different older hp-ux machines, wonderful stuff. Odd thing is they would rather send it to "the grinder" than have someone make something useful out of the stuff. So many heat sinks, so many power supplies, so many neat things! All sitting here, and none I can take! AHHHHHH! What the hell is the problem with taking something if it is in the f-ing garbage???? I suppose it is the off chance that some money can be made from it, and if "they" cant have the money, no one should. I am itching, twitching with irritation at seeing actual useful stuff going to the garbage. The machines could be used for cheap ass web servers, or any number of other things. Better yet the hardware is reliable! I must find a way to rescue some stuff...yes it might be called "dumpster diving" but alas, I must!

 - makes sense  -  reply
"Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
- Reverend Lovejoy"
(wonder how Ace and Racer feel about that)

  re: makes sense  
Yep, and the bible backs this up. Then again, it does contradict this in many places. But for starters, here's this quote.

1 Peter 2:13-16
"13Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, 14or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. 15For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. 16Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil"

Luckily for them that last line allows for ambiguity.

 - leaping lizards  -  reply
Self sufficient emotional destruction, backwards directed physical detraction, efficient visible plundering of ones own well being, viable analysis of supposed deteriorating mental structure, spliced result of individuals fragments, combined mental particles, demurred action bruises reality, observation of perspective invented to watch ones self, creating containers to curtail internal wall building, wondering how containers are better than walls, clone opposite points of view, pit them against their buddies, watch the thoughts fly, fingernails grating on others eyes wonders why it can feel the pain, while all the while wondering if tasked to use a pencil, if they would like it to giggle?

 - other sopwith sponges  -  reply
Deep six your dejected emotional translation of what you think is your self-imposed reality reaped from others misplaced scowls. Scowls that hang on irritation derived from physical pain, and the daily emotional drain. Pointless twisting of others physical paintings to fit what warped mind steeped in endless self-dejection wants to see. Not recognizing what can be, but instead cementing yourself into a mold shaped by others rejection. Deriving strength only from external circumstances, the would be well of evolved self-help is dry as a bone. Externally submitted demons fly un-noticed, escaping minds eye flirting glance. Their sole purpose to drag with them emotional turmoil. The external spotlight meant to examine the workings of others is not so far reaching. Serving only to highlight internal conflict and project it onto the perceived composure of others making for a confusing soup. Others are an emotional mess. I am others.

 - ha! Take that in the eye...  -  reply
Quote of the day: "A computer without a Micro$oft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to its head."

 - oh what now...  -  reply
Stability acquiesces with simulated probability strung by needless happiness shattered by the frail hand of supposed friendship. Combined fingers waggle needlessly from lengths of pale arms, all but attached through painful joints wrought of anguish, glued to minds haphazard eye by frail threads of fleeting conversation. Twisting tongues tasting the others thick saliva, surveying teeth as crooked as her smile was perfect. Thoughts pounded through in rhythm to hearts irregular line, weaved words imperfect time

 - squirrel  -  reply
Now this is real terror

 - free this  -  reply
I would rather keep every one of my essential liberties, even at the risk of a little less certainty in the public safety arena, for the very simple reason that those who would threaten that safety will not be hampered by any of the restrictions on my freedoms. Such as the freedom to read anything I like from the library without worrying if what I read puts me in a category of people that the “them” must watch for fear I may do something they don’t like with the information. Freedoms are/were supposed to be a given, with laws to protect them. Not laws to grant freedom, which would mean no one is free to begin with, but have to be "freed" by abiding by the laws that define what they already should have.
  re: free this  
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759

 - La Mor......?  -  reply
Disjointed subjugating before some make believe god-like structure, being bigger than you can be, of course blinds you by its light, you awash in idiocy and lacking the will to really fathom the string you hold on to in efforts to pull yourself up to something more than this cardboard reality. Does it change the fact that many lights show the one way? No of course not, your perspective was locked in at childhood. Any widening of view would surly shatter the clumsy vase that perhaps a space case mother dumped you in during some hip heaving grasp at feeling good. Pray before that ultimate moment; envision the road the seed will travel in a pointless existence to achieve the answer in death. Evil and good wear the same shoes, as to the other they each have a common goal; belief. Thus the shoe fits so it is worn by every religion regardless of intent. The empty banter, and chivalrous folly are all painted with a ritualistic void.

Swathed in stories perceived intent eager onlookers rally for more.


 - shucks  -  reply
say it with me now! prop-a-gan-da! prop-a-gan-da! prop-a-gan-da!
propaganda
Still a fun read regardless

You know? It sort of feels like Christmas, I have the same feeling I did right before I saw the Christmas Carol last year. I guess that’s just because it has been snowing pretty much all week. Not getting much accumulation though, least not on the Front Range. Higher up in the mountains I know they are getting allot more snow, will have to head up there this weekend I think.

Oh yea, happy halloween!


 - answer  -  reply
it is the earth.
Perhaps in a noose? perhaps not. Either way, when I saw the writing I was excited. Seeing a language I have never seen, I was excited.
P
Is all I have to say


 - sum  -  reply
http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/27819.html

 - noose  -  reply
I feel like a huge noose is being drawn around something I cannot quite imagine, though I can almost feel it tightening. Seems as if I am supposed to send a message to someone about something important. Wonder what it is. Of course it could all be imagined. Those lines have been becoming more and more blurred. Connections seem to come and go with regularity, a tangled mess of semi-empty strings. Sparks of revelation, extinguished the moment that knowing action can not be achieved on any level. A good word for the current is "grind". Like a pepper shaker, hovering above the global eye, churning away..it's propaganda machine, flecks appear to be something nice, but burn just as well, ha ha, they told you so they would say. They all pointing theys fingernails, all grubby, all hard at work grinding themselves to useless oblivion, while shouting their combined glory. Still I dream the riddles, I endevour to place the stories in some perspective. ya does not make waking sense to me either, "thoughts and dreams and run-on sentences"

In other news, "The United States of Europe"

Another planet - rehashed again - though....


 - (s)(e)lected  -  reply
Hillary - "Bush Was 'Selected' President, Not Elected"

National ID system, http://www.wired.com/news/privacy/0,1848,55999,00.html never thought it would be a chip under the skin. Thought it might be a number on the forehead or perhaps on the hand. Least it is voluntary for now. I never thought I would actually write about something like this. But then I am paranoid as a matter of course.


 - ht  -  reply


 - wt  -  reply


 - fi  -  reply


 - ping-ponging  -  reply
to much stuff ping-ponging around in my head, so much so I stay awake. Wondering. Pondering. Mostly wondering why I suppose. Not else much needs to be said about that. Still the sun will rise, the day will lay it's way. Thats all there is to it.

 - meandering self-induced binge based blather  -  reply
State and overstate the obvious
Ponder the unknowable repeatedly
Hash the possibilities again
Not like it will affect the outcome
Though I believe it may
Stories as string wrapped between many separate fingers
The more they twitch the messier and more chaotic things become
Pray for the situation, perhaps that will help
Throw mental eggs at the situation for the same effect
Make sure they are good eggs throughout
The gods don’t like stinky eggs
Perhaps stinky eggs would be ok if you threw in a couple of clothespins
Or better yet, create some new nice gods, ones that like chaos
If a god knew it existed, how could it possibly comprehend itself?
Could it observe the sphere while being that sphere?
Does a tree know it’s a tree?
Do these symbols I type know of their existence?
Does their existence make them “real”?
Of course this could be read a thousand times and have many multiples of meanings.
Which one would be the right meaning?
What if I don’t give it a base meaning?
By existing is meaning given?
The best things in life are free.
Are sandwiches free?
Is freedom free now that we defined it as living in the USA?
The price is accepting the definition as your own.
What if the basic atoms of your existence fight the definition as it is written?
How can there be a moral consequence for not falling in line with a definition of a word?
When morality is removed from a government and in its place a book of laws is defined what is going to stop them from making any law they choose? Morality?

Coming soon to a web page near you, more confused thoughts


 - ethics or  -  reply
"...ethics: build improved electronic gadgets [to] outwit gadgets used by the authorities..." -Philip K.Dick

 - anonymity  -  reply
What the heck does "a senior Bush administration official said, speaking on condition of anonymity" mean? Does it mean "we can say what the hell we want without proof? Apparently.

It is to early for snow..ahhh!

You know what would be funny(?) if our terrorist friends were using crop circle sightings to give orders or to communicate with? Odd idea I know...


 - -ism  -  reply
Another Monday, or rather...Tuesday highlights the rest of drudgeries ample swath. Here a swath there a swath, what the swath. What a nice word. Featuring dialog by your favorite actor. Something to look forward to, the movie "Sniper". Won't that be an interesting watch? We will get to see the failings of some oversight agency and a stylized version of what happened (is happening). Why can't they do this in real time? We could all flock to the movie theaters after work to get the most up to date version of the united propaganda networks news. With vivid re-enactments. That would strum the supple heart strings on so many emotionally detached zombie consumer clad industries, well as long as it made money. Then they could make a movie about heart strings being strummed, and we could all gather together and watch them hang the bastard, while devising some catchy chant like "Death to Saddam". Yes! They could even sell us 5$ popcorn, and we stupidly would buy it. Not sure what stirs up more bile. Though I do wish I could use the national news media as my instant messenger client.

Went hiking this weekend, and froze my ass off. Well not quite off. It was 50 when we setup camp, then it was 34, 18, 16, finally I think it was 11 or 9 degrees...at which point everything starts to freeze. The routine becomes "Freeze", "Shiver", "Sleep", "Freeze", "Shiver", "Sleep", I think that cycle takes about 15min.

"solipsism"
(1)The theory that the self is the only thing that can be known and verified.
(2)The theory or view that the self is the only reality.

So what matters the rest?

There are no good guys, the bad guys killed them all off. The fight now is for the good guy title, may the best bad guy win.

"Oy Yop" is thinking of making a come-back

Quote of the day: "I'm not sure exactly why but the idea of people making carreers based on this bullshit makes me so mad I could kick puppies."

  re: -ism  
The game.
The plot.
the Them.

 - weeak  -  reply
This "work" week is nearly over, ending on a quiet note so far...
I have been addicted to playing "Battlefield 1942" for the past 2 weeks, the game is addictive, so much so that I think I should uninstall it. What a silly thought. Glad I got that out of my system. Reminds me of the weekends where we would get together for the sole purpose of playing LAN games until we passed out or wore out our keyboards, or our computers melted down. So glad I did not spend that time watching football or baseball or basketball. As a direct result my knowledge on the working of those games is non-existent. Nor do I have the urge to start watching those games. Some might despise me and other late/mid 20 somethings for playing LAN games, though I think we are far better off for spending our time doing that instead of watching endless hours of "sports" on Tv. Someone told me that they thought of Tv as a "Chinese finger trap for the mind". I suppose LAN games are to some extent also, least they are not interjected with commercials every 15min telling me what to eat/drink/bla bla…

  re: weeak  
this week was longer than a flight to pluto. thank god it's over. but here i am. online as my only interaction on a friday night .. a more advanced chinese finger trap. what to do with myself. solipsism cannot be enjoyed alone.

 - munch  -  reply
Hey! This should help people stay safe...
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A32393-2002Oct15.html
(I think registration is required, I used 1901,M,USA,20001)
I got a good laugh from reading it

  re: munch  
do you think I should refrain from wearing my coat with the giant red target embroidered on the back? Since it wasn't on the list...I wasn't sure ??

 - clench toothed man, be he this or  -  reply
Sanguine translations emanating from the mouths of fallen seraphim’s, though they ponder the truths that people think they hear them speak. Falsity becomes reality all to quick when stamped on with the boot of ignorance. Trepidation tries the patience of watching gatekeepers, all dreaming the same gleam in your eye. Fledgling ideas spark into their own existence only to be vanquished by tears sown in powder thin soil. Believe my babble, perhaps one day you will be able to call it your own. Rainbow colored seams buried deep in your mind scratch through diamonds door, though feathers might be lighter. Owning an objection to cardboard cutouts makes eating lunch in plastic containers seem swimmingly nice. Still the devil won’t give up his forked tongue for a touch of holographic reality. Tramping down lanes twisted through times broken fabric, the animal thinks in his own right. Dragged along by the ceaseless soul, slave to desires not known as our own. They say this and laugh out of the opposing corner of their mouth. Sinew straining against rending muscle, mind manages semblant control over strings tied tight to souls translucent purpose. Throat cavities fill with noxious fumes on the journey to become voice. Lips curled in painful passion, thick with nearly dried saliva, throat taught in efforts to moderate what it fears will be a welling scream. “Perhaps not”, thinks the tortured soul, all too caught up in exhausting itself in efforts to reign in emotion diseased body. In an instant a thousand million sons are born and again are wiped from minds wandering eye. Soul jerking bodies’ lines soon looses focus, like some vacant fog dispersed by suns ray. Slacking muscles bear evidence of battles fought between ears caught between the mighty embrace of an old soothsayer. Multiple triads of neurons futilely attempt to quantify forces best left to keep galaxies in line. The draw is powerful, chaos observed as the mistaken evidence too quick to be used to deem the clench-toothed man insane. Caverns form where soft tissue evaporates under the pressure of the truth steaming between the teeth of the fork-tongued man. Each man hears words crafted in route, time being no obstacle to souls too eager chalkboard, on it drawn a map of holographically confused understanding. Sniffing useless odors, soul bores easily, drifting into a canopy of tainted sleep.

 - laugh  -  reply
Something I ran accross today:
"Just remember that politicians are like diapers and need to be changed often for the same reason."


 - useless DMCA  -  reply
< bla_bla > This shit is getting ridiculous... to those parties concerned you can stick the DMCA up your ass...
(juvenile I know, but it feels good anyhow)
Take a read here:
http://www.theregus.com/content/4/26656.html
and here if you dare: (read the page before clicking on the "accept" button)
http://www.thefreeworld.net/non-US/


"Note that if you are a US citizen or under US jurisdiction, circumventing this access control is a violation of the DMCA, punishable a prison term of up to 5 years and a fine of up to $500,000 per violation.
On request access_log information will be provided to the law enforcement agencies from the jurisdiction where this webserver resides.
"

Ideas should always be free...
www.uniconscious.com
I really wish I knew more about the DMCA... < / bla_bla >


 - wine  -  reply
I recall sitting in Rock Springs Iowa at a rest stop in my car, half asleep, with my map in my lap. My head back, eyes nearly closed, the hitch-hikers I picked up 5 hours ago passed out, Mike(husband) in the front passenger seat, Molly(wife) and Sheba(pit bull) squashed into the back seat of my tiny Chevy Tracker along with all my cold winter gear, a case of corona, miscellaneous blankets, gym bags, backpacks of theirs made for a very tight fit. Various noises escaping my drunken passengers, various obviously more than day-old odors stinging my almost sleeping nose. Twitching now and then floating around half-sleep, thinking of the midnight aurora borealis we saw east bound on I-80 earlier that night. Vibrant. Now nearly asleep despite my upright position, I feel relaxed. A moaning escapes from the passenger seated next to me. Then a stirring. I ignore these clues. Finally I start to fall asleep, my mouth drops slightly open, my head tilts back in search for comfort.Suddenly my passenger stirs and sits up, eyes still closed lost in a dream of some better time, he blindly grabs for me. His arms close around me, shocked I struggle to fathom the situation I find myself in. My navy seal knife lies in easy reach of my right hand. Instantly I check that option off my list of reactions. Instead I struggle with my passenger turned un-knowing captor, trying to release his death grip on me, and stop myself from being dragged to his side of my car. In his dream I am sure I was a stand-in for some long lost lover or perhaps his "wife" sleeping with their pit bull in the back seat. I try to stop from loosing control of myself in my seemingly perilous situation, and try to speak in a calm collected voice in efforts to wake my sleeping assailant

 - b-day  -  reply
b-day

 - FRIED FAT  -  reply
Fried Twinkies ?!?!?!
http://www.cnn.com/2002/US/South/10/15/fried.twinkies.ap/index.html
Why not fried fat? Or fat injections? Why not a drug that just makes you feel like you ate a gallon of fat with some neat hallucigenic effects like tasting colors? I would imagine that would be safer... Pardon me while I drink my fried beer with a shot of liquified fried twinkie.


 - human  -  reply
Another shooting in Washington, this time closer to the downtown area. WTF! I don't think I will need to link to this information, as everyone is probably being assaulted with it. This person obviously is not trying to get away or even move for that matter. He seems to be in control of the situation. No one knows what he/she/they even look like. Reminds me of the Vietnam sniper story books I have read and the numerous movies made on the subject. Same scenario just not in the jungle this time, it is in our territory, on our land. Nor is it in the desert, this is probably as close to home as this sort of thing gets. The person is obviously trained well and knows the tactics used by the different law enforcement agencies, and how not to appear out of place. Just like the bush crawling across the field for 2 days looking for that perfect shot. Insane. Or perhaps sane, not sure which is more...(need I say it?)...I think sane is harder to catch. Probably not prone to making mistakes. Probably has lived in the area for years, probably has intimate knowledge of the city. What kind of person would have that experience? I don't think you would see your local plumber snap and go off and randomly(?) take people out without making a mistake. So if I was standing next to the woman who got shot, and I was her husband, and I had a gun, and I saw the shooter, should I kill him? Or should I meekly kneel to be executed, and say "If it is my time then, I am ready." I would have to say I would have to shoot to kill the bastard. Thou shall not kill. What a joke. That’s not the only joke, the other joke is the millions of meek sheep that want a great shepard. Someone that knows all and sees all (or at least they think they do) to protect them, take all their "rights" away in exchange for a way of life. A life of programming, boxed lunches, commercials. Canned religion. Canned life. White picket fence in a can. All oil supplied by the new world government. Or whatever label they stick on it. (I know, I know, "who is they") Which is sicker. Which is more real? Which is right? That all depends on who is telling the story, who is listening, and who is taking action.
  re: human  
Well, Thou shall not kill never did apply to the gentiles. You just weren't supposed to kill other hebrews. I think the more accurate transcription is 'Thou shalt not murder'... Killing is just fine, they did it all the time.
  re: human  
So whats your take on it then? Lets hear it!
  re: human  
Not sure, I imagine anyone that went through eagle-scouts as a kid could probably shoot as well as he has. But I'm no forensic psycologist so I'll just stay out of that arena. As for shooting the sniper, I think there's a reason that we have laws allowing killing in self defense. If someone just shot the person next to you and/or has the gun pointing at you, noone is going to have an issue with you shooting him first. But with this guy you could probably walk up to him and stab him 30 times while he was having a burger and you'd be a hero since he's already killed so many. You know Jack the Ripper only had 3 confirmed kills (5 attributed), this guys already worse than him. As far as our sheep people I'm sure we all fit that description in one way or another. Sometimes I'm shocked to step back and realize how much I've learned about life from tv and the movies, but I still feel that I have my share of original ideas.. whether or not someone else came up with them before, we still come up with idea on our own without knowing they already exist, and I think that has value. Most people, if you can get through the stupid social barriers we create out of insecurity/overconfidence, seem to be fairly thoughtful if a little close minded. I think the thing that counts is that they have good intentions.. and though 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions' I still think that this speaks well of us as a species.. as if we're trying for something but we just don't have all the information. It's all so complicated.. just incredibly complicated, this factor effects that factor which effects that one which is mostly random ect. How can we even speak of politics as if we know what is happening behind closed doors, or what will happen as a result of a certain actions, becuase the variables dependant on that action are almost certainly invisible to us.. we just don't have the info.. everything is 3rd party at best, with motivations, and secret influences. So it's much easier to just ignore what's actually going on in the world.. ignore cause and effect (because how much do we really understand anyway?), and just run on stereotypes and gossip.. It's part of how the human brain is wired, we're designed to categorize things so we can look them up quicker. I don't have too much trouble with the white picket fence thing. Hey, if that makes you happy, goto town with the pickets. It's just sucks that what a lot of people consider their american dream is frowned upon, like being openly gay.. or in my case burning a little plant. The white picket fence doesn't bother me.. it's the fact that I can't build my green picket fence that does. Those are lucky bastards whose ideals already fit into the american dream, and I think we've been making progress on expanding that definition.. but it's still a long way off, especially with bush in the white house.

 - stupidio  -  reply
Patent...? This is disturbing stuff, when people actually are able to pull this stuff off in the first place. What a waste?!
http://news.com.com/2100-1017-961803.html?tag=fd_top_6
I think I will patent a method for wiping my arse with worthless patents. Oh wait.


 - para PKD  -  reply
Oh yea, this is in-line for implimentation here in the states, if it is not already used:
http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=02/10/14/1224244&mode=thread&tid=158
(Nice to see other "Dickheads" out there!)
From what I have read on the net, Iraq already is using this technology to track our planes, imagine that. If I recall correctly there was a news story recently that stated that we struck one such facility recently. Hm.
A quote from the article:
"Senior police officers are now allowed to access mobile telephone and email records without judicial or executive assent. Within two years, all mobile phones are expected to have satellite-locating devices built into them"

(sidenote)
PERHAPS they will setup a real-time monitoring of spelling errors and correct them before they happen...perhaps the spelling errors could be corrected before I think them. Wait! Perhaps my faulty thinking could be corrected before I have a chance to realize that I have made a mistake. But then it is always more fun to wait for someone to screw up and then take em out. Well then I am wearing my crucifix I should be safe, I also have that neat little reflective fish on the back of my car, I must be a good Christian citizen.


 - first reaction  -  reply
This is some seriously sick stuff...
http://abcnews.go.com/wire/US/ap20021014_977.html
First reaction over...still sick.

  re: first reaction  
ok.. i couldn't even finish reading it... i started to get quite annoyed by several aspects of the story.... the media sucks, the mom sucks, the pharmacists suck, the drug dealers suck, the government sucks..
  re: first reaction  
I think your reply post sucks, you slack jaw'd hippy. Easy to hide behind an anonymous bitsteam, and cast insults, never to meet those you criticize. Oh wait.....
  re: first reaction  
too bad you're spelling reminds me of my 1st grade homework you candy land lover... go blow of stream somewhere else
  re: first reaction  
Not only does your mere existance waste valuable matter....the thoughts and ideas spewed from your shell continue to waste time.
  re: first reaction  
thank you for your wise assessment, however ostensible it is.. for you haven't yet realized that i am a figment of your measly imagination..
  re: first reaction  
good one.... doctrine dan. I think, therefore I spam.
  re: first reaction  
excuse me, did I just stumble across a cock fight? say it isn't so....the american public prefers chick fights that turn into kissing didn't ya know?

 - far nothing  - 
reply
Good point, the past is history. No I don't think I need more pouting time, too much good time has been lost to that (or something similar). Though if I was never worth the 60k I made then, how is it that I should go out and find a job that pays me what I am worth?

As far as what I need, that would be nothing. That's the interesting part about these writings. They mean what they mean when you read them, not what I might have intended when I wrote them. I still like the quote "will someone please protect me from myself!" and yes it does sound "puppyish". Good analogy. Ostensible it remains.


 - pro tect  -  reply
"will someone please protect me from myself!"
  re: pro tect  
What do you need?
  re: pro tect  
What they need is someone to tell them it will be alright. That their favorite TV shows will still be on

 - generation x  -  reply
Oh this touches home for me being a gen-x person (I recall that some youth minister preaching in a church I used to attend said "you will be the generation that will never die" meaning what exactly?)
It does suck being 20 and seeing my income decline from a peak of 60k year doing what I love, to the point now that it is hard to find a decent job that I qualify for...I should be 50 saying that not 27.
http://www.fortune.com/indexw.jhtml?channel=artcol.jhtml&doc_id=209746
(after re-reading the article, I don't think I want to clump myself in with it's subject matter, or even apply it to myself. as the yuppie puppy image makes me cringe, in fact I am sorry I ever linked to that article)

  re: generation x  
As a 27 year old puppy, you probably were never worth $60 grand a year. What's a matter little boy ... need more pouting time? Grow up and go find a job that pays you what you're worth.
  re: generation x  
Um.. I think if people are willing to pay a certain amount for you, you're worth that much.. that's how it works.. I think someone is jealous.. The economy has changed, now people with certain skills aren't worth as much.. but they were still worth that much at a time

 - sche  -  reply
todays schedule:
turn computer on
check email
reply to email
delete junk email (90% of email is junk)
check voicemail (useless)
check work email
check home email
check work email
read various news stories
realize that reading the news gets me nowhere save being anxious and irritated at the cardboard world we live in
read that the USA ranks 139th of 172 democracies in its rate of voting (could that be because the people we vote for still don’t make it into office?)
read that the gun being used for the killings (death tarot = "I am GoD")(?) in Washington was probably stole from a sheriffs car, along with other weapons
read that the unemployment rate is going down
read about numerous places laying people off and going under
so basically the above 2 stories are pointless in effect canceling each other out...nice
People that say tech jobs are getting easier to find need to take a dose of reality in the side of the head at mach 2 or so
pointlessly check work email
check home email obsesivly
ponder the people I work with, think of asking them for a dose of whatever they take to turn off their brains, well that is if it does not give me the runs and have certain sexual side effects
check email check email check email check email check email check email check email check email check email check email check email check email

I think thats enough of that.
I enjoyed my Wisconsin trip this last weekend, though it was to damn short. I never have enough time to spend with my son and others I like to visit there. Though after actually living full on here in Colorado, I know that this is where I belong. Now to inspire a mass migration of all the people in Wisconsin that I enjoy the company of. How selfish is that?!
I have a feeling that source based depression I thought I have been experiencing is actually me imposing a source on it that I can realize. I don’t think the source is that easy to lay a finger on, or even point in the general direction to. So (ack) I bite my fingernails (at least try to, they are mostly nubs now) and wonder on this thing imposing itself on me. I know certain facts, yet I let doubt rust them, mar their finish, hide the truth.
check email
skim for new headlines (why?)
The first night I was in Milwaukee I saw some old acquaintances that I have not seen in years, was interesting to see how little has changed with them. Still living in the same bars, thinking the same thoughts, trying to ignore how futile their existence is. I have to leave this subject now.
check email
Think of retreating to my home in Loveland with a good book and a good joint and let things go to hell.
Realize that pain is as much a part of life as living, and people will continue on the path they were trained in (allbeit probably unintential with regards to effect), some even if they realize what they are doing - wont or cant change. I feel I have this shortcoming to some extent. (wandering thoughts)
2:22 10/9 7am-8am
I dreamed on the trip home while sleeping in my vehicle that I was trapped in a pyramid shaped maze consisting of vast movie type sets connected with alleys and roads. Just imagine the pyramid on the dollar bill being a three dimensional maze with the goal(unrealized) being the eye. Each layer of the maze being connected by holes (not physical holes but holes that can be traversed only as an individual realizes that another level exists, after which the individual instantly migrates to the next level) to/from the level above and being in the vague shape of a labyrinth. Though each layer is oriented differently in regards to the levels above it and below it. Perhaps the vertical pattern is also defined by the labyrinth in some fashion. Or perhaps the double helix. Now imagine that each layer is slightly transparent to an outside observer, but opaque to those in the maze. This pyramid maze is not confined to the 3 perceived physical dimensions but exists as static throughout time and is holographic and appears as reality to those in the maze. Meaning the plots of the maze never change, but how the individuals in the maze perceives the maze evolves throughout our serial time which we seem to be infatuated with for some disgusting reason. I can see this maze in my mind in perfect clarity, and outside this maze nothing exists that can be compared to anything in this world.


 - danger (quote)  -  reply

The Ten Major Principles of the Gnostic Revelation

The Gnostic Christians of the second century believed that only a special revelation of knowledge rather than faith could save a person. The contents of this revelation could not be received empirically or derived a priori. They considered this special gnosis so valuable that it must be kept secret. Here are the ten major principles of the gnostic revelation:
  1. The creator of this world is demented.
  2. The world is not as it appears, in order to hide the evil in it, a delusive veil obscuring it and the deranged deity.
  3. There is another, better realm of God, and all our efforts are to be directed toward
    1. returning there
    2. bringing it here
  4. Our actual lives stretch thousands of years back, and we can be made to remember our origin in the stars.
  5. Each of us has a divine counterpart unfallen who can reach a hand down to us to awaken us. This other personality is the authentic waking self; the one we have now is asleep and minor. We are in fact asleep, and in the hands of a dangerous magician disguised as a good god, the deranged creator deity. The bleakness, the evil and pain in this world, the fact that it is a deterministic prison controlled by the demented creator causes us willingly to split with the reality principle early in life, and so to speak willingly fall asleep in delusion.
  6. You can pass from the delusional prison world into the peaceful kingdom if the True Good God places you under His grace and allows you to see reality through His eyes.
  7. Christ gave, rather than received, revelation; he taught his followers how to enter the kingdom while still alive, where other mystery religions only bring about amnesis: knowledge of it at the "other time" in "the other realm," not here. He causes it to come here, and is the living agency to the Sole Good God (i.e. the Logos).
  8. Probably the real, secret Christian church still exists, long underground, with the living Corpus Christi as its head or ruler, the members absorbed into it. Through participation in it they probably have vast, seemingly magical powers.
  9. The division into "two times" (good and evil) and "two realms" (good and evil) will abruptly end with victory for the good time here, as the presently invisible kingdom separates and becomes visible. We cannot know the date.
  10. During this time period we are on the sifting bridge being judged according to which power we give allegiance to, the deranged creator demiurge of this world or the One Good God and his kingdom, whom we know through Christ.
To know these ten principles of Gnostic Christianity is to court disaster.
(now he tells us?)


 - madhatterville  -  reply
Yes indeed, I am attending some sort of tea party where everyone is insane, though the insanity of course is normal. Without it there would be no tea party. And who would I drink tea with?!

There is snow in the mountains, the trees are in full color, everything looks and feels fresh, the day is good, something must be about to go wrong. Sadistic I know. But the snow is still pretty!
Tonight I start the long drive back to Wisconsin, I almost am looking forward to the drive.

BTW, my last day at my current job (not my choice) is 11/22 so if anyone would like to hire me at that time I would appreciate it!

An interesting interview, though sort of a thick read:
http://www.philipkdick.com/frank/pkdinte2.htm
"the way I Ching works"
http://www.alphane.com/moon/PalmTree/dreamer.htm
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Exhibit/1923/exegesis.html
http://www.geocities.com/pkdlw/exegesis.html
http://www.cures-not-wars.org/ibogaine/iboga.html
http://www.ad-i.com/eoe/exegesis.asp
http://www.negativland.com/


 - compact  -  reply
I don't know about you, but this picture says it all...

No more compact cars for me! Dang!

I have been wondering what peoples 3 favorite books are, or rather the 3 books that influenced/affected them the most? anybody?

  re: compact  
I have to bite on the three favorite/influential books:
"Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman" An amazing person, I learned a lot just from his attitude on life, not to mention his genius. http://www.physics.brocku.ca/etc/cargo_cult_science.html (an excerpt)
"1984" by George Orwell .. what else is there to say about this?
"Player Piano" by Kurt Vonnegut .. This guy is so full of Idea's I'm suprised he doesn't burst.

Geeze it's hard narrowing it down to just 3 books, I have to put in a plug for Tom Robbins, "Still life with Woodpecker" is great.. oh and Hunter S. Thompson.. I better stop now.. I could go on and on..
  re: compact  
The Bible
Ben Franklin's Autobiography
The Rise And Fall Of The Third Reich
The Cat's Cradle
The Celestine Prophecy
Ishmael

 - non bot  -  reply
Why the HELL is there not a company based here in the states that is working on developing stuff like this?
http://www.sony.com.hk/aibo/whatsnew/activities_right_coming.html
If I am wrong please let me know...
robodex here in the states would probably scare the dim-witted masses of beehive hair wearing, beer-gut having, football loving idiots...
While of course myself not enjoying football or even wanting to waste a brain cell thinking about it (oops -1), am looked at as some kind of weird freak of a person because... (no point in continuing this strand)
Instead I will post an entirely useless email I was going to send..(I take that back)
---><---
Well then when you get down to it, that can be said about a number of things. All useless to think about, I now expend as much energy per day working as it would take me to pick one tooth. That is why "so much money" per hour does not make it better. My mind wants to think.

  re: non bot  
I date freaks exclusively :)

 - ohya pulse  -  reply
quote of the day "hey! we should get together sometime and have a pop and discuss your work ethic"

Try to have conversations with the people around you, responding to overheard phrases, exclamations, and the hated single word of "so", one sided conversations with no face. In solitary confinement I think a person would start generating stimulus, emotional and otherwise to keep sane, or at least try to. "So" I perpose that we are the product (as others do) of an insane and chaotic higher power or god who is becoming semi self aware. Oh yea. Defective!
Place a warm finger tip on the pulsating purple vein, a vein in whose rhythm is slowing slightly with each beat, meeting resistance of will. Feel each corpuscle bump past the pressure of your finger. Do you wonder why you feel the steady beat of life slow? Surely this cannot be! Such a blissful face he has. Eyes fastened securely in sleep, following some translucent reality, dancing over each image, gleaning meaning from something that might not have any. Relax your fingertip; don’t try to ponder the meaning. Ah! Why am I laying there? I look so still. Thinking of rising I do, my stubborn body remains prone. Now it is a little late for a pop, or taking a walk. Translucent, not how I thought it might be. Confusing. Searching for that pulse? It has slowed to a crawl, be patient. Ah! There it was. Was it life? Perhaps on some level. Did you learn to type on a "Real" typewriter? What was it like? Is it a fond memory to you? Melodramatic perhaps. Watching the spelling errors and grammatical ignorance makes it easy to read.

Word of the day "Pontification" for no particular reason.

"In Tanzania, an estimated 500 elderly women accused of witchcraft — often connected with an event like crop failure — were murdered every year, it said."


 - d3j@|/u  -  reply
Yea corny I know, but I could not resist. 6.05pm or .04 I saw a scale, the indicator on the scale was near one end, strangely I can not picture which end. Nor can I imagine the reason or use for the scale. I saw it as I loaded a website I was working on.

 - change  -  reply
This is some research that is badly needed I think...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/2288598.stm
"if we are not learning faster than the world changes, how can we possibly control it?"
The following has some good comentary...careful now
http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=02/10/01/1213206&mode=thread&tid=99


 - terrip  -  reply
Mondays and Tuesdays trip to Steamboat was a welcome respite, the trees were changing color, quite breath taking and refreshing to say the least. Today it is freezing out, first time I wish I wore a jacket to "work", quite a change from yesterdays 70degree weather. If all goes well I will be heading to Wisconsin friday night or saturday early morning, not looking forward to the 16hour drive...

 - abrupt help  -  reply
"Triggering Abrupt Climate Change" - http://www.whoi.edu/home/about/whatsnew_abruptclimate.html
  re: abrupt help  
Luckly we may have the technology to prevent this, although I don't have much confidence in our ability to do this correctly. They systems are so complex who knows what long term effects something like the following may have.
http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/8.11/ecohacking.html
  re: abrupt help  
More disturbing news in the same vein

http://www.msnbc.com/news/814100.asp?0dm=-23ET&cp1=1

http://www.cnn.com/2002/TECH/space/09/30/ozone.holes/index.html

 - monolog  -  reply
I hope someone never leaves me a voicemail over 15min long, interjected with "um" and long drawn out "sooooo..."'s as the scatterbrained person tries to assemble some sort of meaning to the long rambling. Realizing this rambling the person says "sorry" then "Oh! I almost forgot..." (will someone please stop that damn phone from ringing) and then continuing the message on for more pointless minuets. The point of a voicemail is to receive a call back, not hold a one sided bland dialog with an imaginary person that is most certainly not on the other end of the line! Useless! Steeped in minorities of reality allows one to not enjoy life thoroughly.
Perhaps putting ones hand over ones mouth and giggling outrageously at the person looking up at you as you nervously twitch with excitement at realizing that you actually went through with it, and are now perched precariously on top of your boss's monitor, atop a sagging desk.
These vivid images bring cool respite to the fevered brain, caught in a perilous loop, waxing and waning over possible unacceptable resolution to an irresolvable internal conflict.


 - a little  -  reply
I like our house, I am a little pissed off that we don't have a white picket fence true to the American dream ideal. Cheated! That’s how I feel about the fence, or rather the lack of a fence. Instead we have a shed, with no door, with large holes in the back wall. So large in fact that you can easily see the street behind our house. When we moved in we were told that "the fence would be fixed shortly". Well we have been there for four months...only four months? Seems like we have been there at least 6 months?! Time does not fly as fast as I would like. heh..
Get to go hang out in snobbish Steamboat springs next Monday/Tuesday, will be a nice break.

  re: a little  
what about our awesome grapevine? and the wishing well? and the cement filled donkey with flowers growing out of his ass? we also have an apple tree with actual apples on it.....you see a broken fence, I see the patch of green grass growing in front of it. Fences are for cows, we have pine trees. The shed needs to be bombed though...I agree with that part.

 - a house divided  -  reply
Here is a dose of truth, perhaps...

http://www.yellowtimes.org/article.php?sid=710
Very interesting points...the logic is illogical, if that makes sense, but of course it does.

Where can one buy a voice that can be heard, even furthermore, where can one buy a voice that people want to hear? People listen to what they want to hear, hear what they want to hear regardless of what is said. Keywords jump out and are easily caught, smashed through what the listeners concepts make them mean regardless of what the original purpose of the word was.

There is no better place to feel alone yet secure than an "downtown" area of a larger city. Least thats what I think. Always people, always something happening, somewhere. Of course those are just thoughts saturated in emotions. Strange that I miss the city. Perhaps it is not the city, but that I miss what I don't have...hm. I did enjoy the wood floors, in-wall cabinets, large bedroom..bla bla boohoo, least I can speak of it with a smile.(insert misunderstaing here).3:11.
Still dont know what 8624 or 8642 is.
dejavu has been living in the state of inadequacy.
adequacy seems to hint of "something" and so far has been correct.
Larger complex patterns lend themselves to be seen, the simple escapes notice, because of being simple? I think.
Learning to teach your future self to tell your past self something has happened of importance, not that it will. The happening and instance are not separable. The remembering of something that has happened in the future can not lend itself to direct observance of the instance. The chicken or the egg? Both exist simultaneously. The moment of remembering "something", but not exactly what, is not definable. These pinches in time where one point has two paths of realization can not be confined to a certain moment in time. Acceptance that the possibility or rather the probability that something exists lets it do so. Chaos still rules.3:22.
perhaps 6622, a stretch and reach and...
http://www.awayofwellness.com/cst.html
sounds interesting...

can not stand.


 - another some  -  reply
From a friend, and I most concurrently agree on:
My life is superdoubleplusgood.
Does it get better than that? Well yes!
I have blue pepsi, and that is even doubleplusgood.
Double speak, or speaking double? If it is government sanctioned then how can it not be doublesuperplusgood? It has to be!
2 + 2 = whatever you tell me it equals.
Give me a clean trough, and some hardcore rutting, feed me some grain, show me a row or two, scare me enough so my headlights never are seen burnt out, enforce my palatability for processed thought, processed "food", processed politics, double process ice-cream always makes me smile (though my eyes are twitching, my face frozen)... Ha! even a nice clean bathroom where I can go to relieve myself and listen to the disgusting noises of peoples half digested beer flowing freely, only too ready to do it again. Again I say to you, fry your brain cells with government-sanctioned beverages! It makes the grind worth it, between the sheets, and between the ears. Try to isolate the magic in particle form, stick it in a slow dissolving, stomach friendly capsule, paint a smile on it, call it happy!
I digress, words mean nothing more than what is given...


 - short and other things  -  reply
OH wait! I forgot something; I do have daily interaction with other "people"...
The walkways between cubicle sections are about one person wide, and I usually pass the same "person" as I go to lunch going the other direction and we have made a game/joke of trading off who stands aside as the other passes, laughing and smiling, and saying "no after YOU", or "stand aside!". This thought makes me silly with joy. I feel like clapping my hands and singing a hymn, now that I realize that the stars and world were made for me.


 - going, going, going...  -  reply
I have never held so much contempt for a job than now. I feel like my mind is stuck in a useless loop, slowly wearing away at my sanity. There are some to which money is everything, they would probably love this job, you don’t have to think, no one usually talks to you all day, no one questions you, everyone only does the bare minimum to satisfy, people sleep on the job...just ridiculous. I would have more mental stimulation working at taco hell. Not that I want to work there either. I look back to the time where I had my own office, I had challenges, I liked my job, heck I loved my job. I was making twice what I am now, and I liked my work...it was very fast paced, very varied, lots of responsibility.. How can a person work a job like I have right now for 10,20 or 30 years and stay sane or happy? I have only been here for 4 months, and the lack of mental stimulation is driving me nuts. Picking my fingernails is more entertaining than my "job". People say "you have to MAKE your work interesting".. bull shit ..running around the inside of a spinning wheel continually looking at and doing the same thing does not get more interesting regardless of what a person does. I sit just about the center of a football field sized hunk of beige cubicles, there are windows, which I can see if I stand up and strain to look of the top of my "cubi" wall... Perhaps there is a drug that can be bought from a psychologist that can deaden ones mind, make it nice and numb and thoughtless, zombie like, then I suppose I could put up with it. Perhaps that is the answer as it is with so many others. I have nearly forgot what job satisfaction is, or being happy with a job well done, or being able to solve problems creatively. AHHHHHHHHH! I hate thinking about it, because I know the outcome, I see the plot in its entirety. What is even more frustrating is knowing that the work I do now could be done by a well trained monkey, or it could be done automatically if the programmer that wrote the program had a little bit of creative insight and was not caught up in the bullshit beurocratic(sp?) process... The beurocratic(sp?) process, well designed to protect the organism from itself, being usually very inefficient, but safe...safe for the poor little close minded idiots that happily swim to and fro spouting to each other little bits of conversational jazz, useless impersonal as the organism that they live in.
"How are ya?", reply, "Good!".
"It is cold today!", reply, "Yes it is getting colder".
or
"How are you doing?" (this being said without giving a shit what the answer is, know as opening conversation politics, or conversational jazz)
"Hows life?" (again pointless blather)
So when confronted with these questions I endeavor to mix things up:
"How are ya?", reply, "Not very fucking good, I hate this job and hate working with you, I dont care how you are, and nor do you really care how I am doing, so why bother yourself the puke those words out of your useless head?"
(shocked look, stagers back)
I can just see the persons poor little mind trying to process the information presented that does not follow the script, uselessly spinning in its own flabby french fry grease.
Or perhaps I will stand on my desk and shout "How the hell are all of you mindless zombies?"


The pursuit of knowledge should be acceptable work, but I know there are too many damn lazy people that cant inspire themselves to sit up and take notice of whats really going on in the world...ha! They cant even inspire themselves to think about anything to any depth. Argh.

  re: going, going, going...  
This is exactly why I play guitar, I would have gone mad long ago.

 - insane  -  reply
It is nice to finally see public support at the state level for legalizing marijuana...even at the country level, the country being Canada, the state being Nevada. Nevada wants to legalize marijuana possession of up to one ounce for persons over the age of 21. What a wonderful idea, I hope other states such as Colorado follow suit. Chase terrorists not people philosophizing and smoking some green in peace.

 - oh yea...  -  reply
you/we could be only as dumb as our/your teachers are smart

 - twisted  -  reply
Take a look at the following and read carefully:
The meaning I get from these headlines is that there is a bit of confusion on whats what


 - ish  -  reply
i am going nuts, or rather i wish i was going nuts - it would make work more interesting

 - blather  -  reply
Useless blather. I am right. But am I really wrong? Let me show you why I am right. Let me show you why I am wrong. Let me let you prove me either way. Let me show you that you have a right to think either way. Let either way show you that you have a right to think right is wrong. Let either way show you that you have a right to think wrong is right. Or for that matter wrong is right. Let me not tell you anything. I will say it in so many words. You will think about each word, and what each word means. I will say the words knowing that they mean nothing when dissected. I know that what you think is based on the emotional response I can generate in you. By not generating any specific response, or giving you any specific information, you will flounder in the sea of useless words organized in a almost sensfull manner, thus forced to unconsciously elect some sort of gut response. Either way will not tell you my truth. Nor will you actually think that you know what is happening. But you will be happy in not knowing.

 - anti  -  reply
Do you think that 100 years ago there was a group of people thinking about the effects that the following would have world-wide, and on peoples in general?
Nuclear weapons
Large expanses of blacktop and strip-malls
Nearly instant worldwide news/information transmittal
"Global" politics
The internet
Mass amounts of pollution - noise/light included
Global warming
What else can be added to this list?
What will the effect be when the additional previously unknown books of the "Bible" are publicly known?
Religion is a business here in the USA.


 - beam pain  -  reply
A week or so ago I had an extreme headache, to the point where I could no longer keep my eyes open. The pain was in the back of my head at the base of my skull. It was a steady pain, not such a pain that I could complain externally, but was forced to close my eyes and let it happen. This same headache is returning slowly this afternoon. I feel dizzy and disoriented. One thing I do remember about the last time it happened, as it was as if someone was talking in my head, like it was vibrating off the inside of my skull. The person calmly and in a neutral voice said "Testing 1...2...3" this proceeded up to 30 at which point I think I passed out or fell asleep.

 - good plan  -  reply
MORE LOGGING TO PREVENT FOREST FIRES...That just does not sound right. Heck if we cut all the forests down, then there will be nothing to burn. The logic of a two year old. Smokey says, "Only logging can preven forest fires". Nice. Heck! Lets make everything flat as Texas.
All praise our savior.
Ahhhhhhhrgh.
Pointless, I might as well stick my head in the mud and yell.
(I do get upset sometimes..eh:)


 - search  -  reply
I did a search in google with the following text
"someone show me something new"
and this is what it came up with as the number one choice:
http://cartalk.cars.com/About/Rant/r-rlast15.html
A rant on the "correct" way of learning...
Which is the way I think anyway...so I gather from this result that what I am doing is correct.
And to pursue anything else is folly.
hmmm...
I still have books to read.
Real people to meet.
And grilled cheese and ham is good.


 - sometimes  -  reply
Someone from Bosnia visited my website today...wonder how they found it? It would be fun to talk candidly with someone from a different walk of life, would be interesting to see how I/we are regarded, good or bad. A real outside third person perspective...I can not even imagine. Of course I never have really left the USA, so what I know is well filtered by the "media", and the people that control it. I do know, books are a good escape from reality...still...many years ago they were the same for me, and now they are even more. Sometimes I cling to bits I read in books, and try to franticly match it up with my reality, is it futile? I think perhaps it is. Now I am listening to Bosnian radio over the internet.......and I recognize the song........but it is sung in Bosnian(is this correct?) the song is "The answer my friend is blowing in the wind" this blows my mind. It sounds exactly correct but in a different language. Amazing. I am hearing USA songs but in a different flavor...Now they are playing Elvis something or an other. Wow. I wish I was not such an idiot...other cultures seek our music and language...and I do not even know they exist. That’s wrong. It is wrong to force this crap on people. No matter what the excuse.
So anyway, what’s the greater point? The quest for knowledge? To be used for what? To propagate? To help people less fortunate than yourself? To be selfish? To be unselfish? The pursuit of happiness? Yea thats it, and eventualy you will find a noose that fits nicely around your neck and you will be comfortable until you die. Ha!
So yea, this entry will probably be as readable as chicken scratch to those who propose that tomorrow is easy to see, but to others that only want what others see, that will only matter.
Over and over again. Perhaps a year, or two. Who knows? The yellow pages will not tell me anything. Nor will foreign speaking dj's speak any sort of truth that I can understand. Perhaps my king will understand?


 - twiddle  -  reply
Today we will and you as my class attempt a higher speed of thumb twiddling. This at first may scare you, you will probably talk to the person next to you trying to uncover the hidden meaning of thumb twiddling. I share this fact with you. There is no hidden meaning. Thumb twiddling has been created as task to keep the multitudes busy so they would not peck each other to death. The faster speed twiddling is designed to build muscles not used by slow speed thumb twiddling. The concentration involved is much higher than low speed, or standard issue thumb twiddling. If you keep focused on the task at hand, the horrible reality of your pathetic situation will seem less pressing, the day will pass by quicker. Your imagination will gradually fade away, and all original thought will be replaced by ideas projected to you through the commercial medium. You will know what to buy, when to buy it, and how to live with it. You will get a 1 week vacation per year to take a break from thumb twiddling and attempt to escape your microcosm. I feel the need to be honest with you, there is no real escape once you are part of the global thumb twiddling practitioners of the united world entities. I would say I feel sorry for you, but all real feeling has been isolated and eradicated with a pill I take twice per day. Perhaps one day you too will be able to partake in the flesh of the holy pill. It brings happiness, it combs your hair, brushes your teeth - in reality it will do everything if properly programmed using your portable window to reality that the nations beloved governments provided you with. Be sure to tune in next time for another episode of "jack splashes teaches modern living".

 - flapping  -  reply
Frustrated. Give it time! No patience. Look to the future. No patience. Learn patience! It is told to me that there is no time for patience. What does that mean? No patience? How can that be? Prepare for something! Prepare for what? Something. Could be anything I suppose. It is pounded into every input orifice that has evolved in this body I inhabit. What is the urgency? A lack of proper communication. Or perhaps a lack of proper understanding. You can't care until you understand, but you can't understand until you care. The answer will present itself I suppose when the care is established will beget understanding. Perhaps it is the statement, "Is this all there is?" that breeds frustration. Or the inability to find lasting contentment in doing what we do. Standing on the edge of understanding or even the full realization that there is something else besides the daily, need I say it? Grind. Live everyday as if it were your last, live it to the fullest. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Throw caution to the wind, forget that tomorrow will come and living today as your last becomes tomorrow, brining confusion on why the cycle perpetuates itself for no apparent reason? So the world will be ruled by the hand of the great white man, and his league of nations. If I could only believe that behind the government lay only good intentions, honesty, and that the almighty dollar or whatever name it is given does not rule the greater choices. The choices that breed timelines steeped in greed, and the want to stand on top of it all and declare "This is mine!". The purpose? We serve the created purpose. Devised on many different scales twisted between the fingers of many different great men, each leading a rope tied to their own truth. Of course it can only be another’s lie. What is a lie some call truth. Words. Useless. To learn, to absorb whatever is presented and take it as that. Not needing to judge its own truth, or whatever may hide in it. Animal instincts trained for survival, pounded into a new way, blindly falling over themselves, caught in their own loops, twisted in their own nets. Still wondering why they can never ever correctly clean the floor. Damned to shortsightedness, failed memory, all leads to a stable herd. Give them pointless endeavors, endear in them the need to follow. To follow under the guise of leading. Hold your head up high, we massacre droves of humans for our god!

 - a method  -  reply
I will give a recipient a white envelope; it will arrive in the mail approximately 3 days from being sent. On a white slip of paper in the white envelope, the recipient will observe something written in black ink. I will not be the one sending the white envelope, nor writing in black ink what will be found on the slip of white paper. I will refer these tasks yesterday to a person not known to the recipient, or by myself. The operator of these tasks will only know the address (also to be written in black ink) to which the white envelope is to be sent. The white envelope will only have an address written in black ink and the appropriate stamp on the front. This is how the recipient will know it is the correct envelope. There will be no return address observed by the recipient. When the recipient receives said white envelope they will await further instructions.

 - dream  -  reply
Drempt last night that I was a roman, or a person from that general time period. I was standing in a circle with other people in similar dress all facing outwards. I saw a lion running towards me, I did not have any means to defend myself so I asked to borrow a sword from the person standing on my left. I had the sword in my hand and in an instant the lion was on me, and I had my sword buried deep within it's chest. That is it.

 - re: invade  -  reply
Well according to these pictures I think its only a matter of when http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2181591.stm

Oh now this is a cool website
http://www.globalsecurity.org


What effect do you think the shift in Earth's gravity will have?
* 16317 responses
Very little or no effect, just like the post-glacial rebound. 31%
I believe it hints at significant world changes ahead. 58%
Neither of the above. 11%
http://www.msnbc.com/news/788906.asp

  re: re: invade  
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/allnews/page.cfm?objectid=12102997&method=full&siteid=50143

 - invade?  -  reply
What is the possibility of Saddam invading the USA? Are we trying to get him/them first? Seems most of the religions have some origins in Iraq, are we trying to get our "roots" or some ancient advanced technology back under the guise that he is evil? I don't dispute that what our media has showed us of him shows that he is evil. Thoughts?

 - deep wave  -  reply
defective implementation prodigy coupled with the evils of organized religion
perhaps alpha waves


 - dig fire  -  reply
I ... am ... digging foor fiirrre...
yes digging for fire.
why I am digging for fire.

it sucks not having a camera to post my mind from.
Almost like not having a thumb
They are still digging for fire
Cracks in the sidewalk still
Yea still
I smell it, I smell it, or I think I do, I hear it, I hear it
Or at least I think I do, think I do
Universal blink spare me thy glory in disguise


 - new  -  reply
Good day, and welcome friends.
Shortly you will be faced with a choice. You will have to choose one of several possible life paths. I know you may be nervous, and have many questions. The facts of each path will be plainly stated. After reviewing the facts for each path, you will automatically be slotted into your most favored path, meaning that path which you devoted the most energy in thinking about. The move will happen in an instant. Then you will find yourself somewhere along the time line of your chosen path, with new memories pertaining to that path. The memory of you choosing your path will fade quickly, probably leaving you confused and wondering where you came from. This is normal.


 - Sarcasm  -  reply
Sarcasm is no doubt the single most contributing factor in relationship problems. That and I suppose misunderstanding. Or in other words, understanding the other involved party incorrectly.
To some this may seem elementary. To others it could be a revelation.
One not realizing that they are attacking with thier sarcasms is part of the problem. Of course?
Can people be emotionally challenged?
Can people be intellectually challenged?
Can people be physically challenged?


 - quote  -  reply
quote...
"we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a human experience"

It would be nice to have a different perspective on these things, from people belonging to a church or a definable religion.


 - back  -  reply
ufo?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A8131-2002Jul26.html

Drove to wisconsin this weekend, that drive does not get easier, just longer...!

  this has happend before  
Early CIA Concerns, 1947-52

CIA closely monitored the Air Force effort, aware of the mounting number of sightings and increasingly concerned that UFOs might pose a potential security threat. (10) Given the distribution of the sightings, CIA officials in 1952 questioned whether they might reflect "midsummer madness.'' (11) Agency officials accepted the Air Force's conclusions about UFO reports, although they concluded that "since there is a remote possibility that they may be interplanetary aircraft, it is necessary to investigate each sighting." (12)

A massive buildup of sightings over the United States in 1952, especially in July, alarmed the Truman administration. On 19 and 20 July, radar scopes at Washington National Airport and Andrews Air Force Base tracked mysterious blips. On 27 July, the blips reappeared. The Air Force scrambled interceptor aircraft to investigate, but they found nothing. The incidents, however, caused headlines across the country. The White House wanted to know what was happening, and the Air Force quickly offered the explanation that the radar blips might be the result of "temperature inversions." Later, a Civil Aeronautics Administration investigation confirmed that such radar blips were quite common and were caused by temperature inversions. (13)

(from http://bedlam.rutgers.edu/ufo/cia-ufo.html)
  re: back  
Yea can you SEE a temperature inversion? Is it blue? Does it have flashing lights? Does it move quickly?

 - quote  -  reply
"Entry 14: The universe is information and we stationary in it, not three-dimensional and not in space or time. The information fed to us we hypostatize into the phenomenal world."
"Entry 30: The phenomenal world does not exist; it is a hypostasis of the information processed by the Mind."


 - interesting  -  reply
This is interesting live data, when I posted it, there was an x-class flare, which is major I read...interesting stuff regardless

Solar X-rays:

Geomagnetic Field:
Status
Status
 
From maj.com


also this is neat...
http://206.131.246.33/sun/


 - purple  -  reply
All being characters in my dream, I read what I wrote when it began. I confuse myself intentionally, to keep the dream alive. I strive to keep my interest in the evolved contribution of complex reflexive mechanisms; I see the same story at each turn. I have read it before. I will read it again. The layers are peeling away, not by my own effort, but by me consciously recognizing that fact. Realizing that predicated thought for those that scowl at my brevity are nothing more than objects to make me obscure what is real. Fathoming parallel lines the shadows become more solid, the walls begin to fade. There is a mechanism created to protect me from what really is, far from perfect it is. Therein lies my anxious need to wipe away the need to hide. It of course scares them, that is the purpose for obscuring my facts. For me to realize what I really am, what I am really a part of, and that its existence exists for my mind. I can see it superimposing itself on my vision, I see it fading through, the real that is. I see what really exists. I realize I have no need or connection to my physical body; the universe I inhabit exists to trap me here. I am many consciousnesses, fragments swimming for control of this useless creature I inhabit. I understand that there is another real universe that coexists with this defective one I now choose to throw off this defective universe and its glaring inconsistencies, managed like some huge game directed on whims of other not so intelligent beings. Everything fits now, the crux is here, and always has been. I want to see through, I can see through, the constructs are failing quickly now discovered. A smile has settled on me. Soon I will exist above this time plane, this place will become a shadow, part will live on, though the higher intelligence will separate and view this place as someplace that could be, among many others. I understand so many “whys” the individual reasons become meaningless to quantify. I am my mind, able to have the real experience, I am not my body, but have chosen it to qualify my existence in this universe. I retain this body as my representation for this single universe, but maintain my freedom to forgo this body and this universe to experience the real. My consciousness is escalating itself and realizing the meaningless point of ruling ones existence by the means of a finite time line. The beings unified to maintain this universe will continue to do so, being deeply ingrained in their ways will be unable to fathom the truth that theirs is not necessary, they will continue to need to suffer, to be hungry, to feel pain, to broadcast hate. To exist as a universe centered on self. Microcosmic organisms trained to maintain walls that interact to create the universe they live in, trained in each step to keep a faulty existence real by giving themselves personal pain, an imagined gain all striving towards an ultimate realization that there is more. Only to remain trapped in false beliefs, because it is safe, its what everyone broadcasts as real to cover what can be. I avoid your eyes, because in them I see the meaning of your line. Perhaps I see that you are already dead, reflex honed and unchangeable, written by your congressman, mastered by your mayor, directed by your president. You subscribe to your version of the system that operates your life, you choose your lie, in the end you have no choice but to live it, because in your ignorance you be lost to yourself. Clues give on premise of something part of this universe the construct leads to its detection.

 - ack  -  reply
Something is amiss...again I am plagued with...something.
Perhaps I am plagued with things I think
Yes, that must be the answer.
I get to go to Milwaukee next weekend; I am looking forward to the trip, and seeing Milwaukee again. Not sure why though. Perhaps it is the 4-5 day "weekend"???
I am reading "VALIS" again, I realize that there are 3 separate stories involved in VALIS, and I have read 2 of the 3 very recently. One being "The Devine Invasion"...however, the other title I presently cannot recall....
So this would be the third time reading them...
I have a program running whenever my computer is on called "Seti@Home"...I happend to glance at the screen tonight, and as I did...the program showed a "triplicate".......research the seti webiste..and you will know what this means. Why did I happen to be looking at the screen when it found it?

Things are happening that I have thought in the past might happen. And now they are stamping me in the face. Wonderfull. What the hell does it mean. Thats what I want to know.

Trip...?


 - irrrrr  -  reply
This irritates me...
http://www.msnbc.com/news/780923.asp


 - fyi  -  reply
Abraham Lincoln, First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1861:

"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing Government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it."

  re: fyi  
not in this country. if any group tries to do this, the gov't will go waco on em. in the waco case..the very idea of being outside the government confines was stifled.

 - switch the lines - clothes that is - conspiracies devine  -  reply
landings in my mind lighting ways deviant line
king Felix derives tell tale times
even the houses near the lots seemed dark, the sidewalk led cracked lines, a fine place for children
all being planned long ago rybys thought
feeling colored slightly twisted in mine
still they danced in their little boats
cleaved earth proclaimed the scientists truth
perhaps yah is his name
perhaps the cipher is his game
teach me a filter to scramble what I see
don’t let me know I know
perhaps
I found a nickel a penny a penny a penny a penny
would be nice to have an ultimate mute for the same price
smallpox the de ja vu line
pain its picture on my mind
test its double helix in my vein
perhaps
those people in my line will live again
feature perfect in your details still the twisted words avail
lines drawn to our mind though definitions escape still they pine for the answer
we all have been trained not to look, and if we see, to pretend that it does not exist
what do we do if something defies definition? of course we are trained to see through it, or to try to cram it into some word we can deal with, something our fragile minds can grasp.
distract me with foul thoughts, cancer it is
though he travels the time in the safe circle wrapped about
fingers forming
mind expanding
flesh multiplying
still I stub out the flame
anxious lest anyone learn my game


perhaps burn free speech, let it flame
pretend its your game


Hello Beijing


 - spell able problems  -  reply
what do you want to go through?
nothing or all with out the new?
answers to none for you?
I feel the time is biding along, do you?
money screams for nothing ew
time fellows running 'or through
pentax tick running down my bio logical clock
feature perfect filming retinas gleaming scheme while wet from dew
tumultuous triads titillating gracious goo
smelled simply sour so surely sheeply sharped
feeling melee though much misused
though always tasteful smiled square melons
beatnik thrashers the square melody crashing through your drums
yanked from fetal position though indisposed to share his prose
walked his minor note wanting to facilitate grated words
piled thick and thin then eaten with gusto
while wallowed in his own mire
still features milled tensely about
mosquitoes screamed in delight
eyes blink as they might in delight the sound was still there
fellow patrons mill by plates bought on nights eve
ghastly amounts in them do they pour
swinging the smug meat looks they think in one mind the nice patron
devouring to and then their combined fro
ballooned out over then the belt twined in minds eye
swallowed the pill said he or she will always giggle in glee
parted lips speak of no breath while not smelling nice
feared tip-taps on his brow she still starts the row
surge gleam the sultry glasses feel the nice warmth of those lips
chilled and held though the awakening flip-flops twitch and rabble
sweaty knee backs fingers dew though how are you
warm faced belt hiders swelter in others heat
filching tender moments twixt brain chilled drudgery its still all happy
buckets in brain still the freetoes taste the same
un-conscious meandering commercial conscious collective takes a turn
ah sick the 'donalds tender fry does the anxious perturbed gut glide
filling do da the da I have a song that they that I must play
twined numbers caught between swelling fingers
craw in chills up their arm
dragging the little hairs upright in shivers of delight
fellows still knocked down in the same
she plays a game in her inner country
fields of gold sway with the nod of a head
circles play on the fingers path on magnetic grain
turn and play it again through choking blessed smoke
slay it this slay it that still the mind flays twisted words near here
delayed scratching cuticles itched in gain itched for glow
postulance laid bare its twisting hair
fellow flesh hovered before its own mess
flinching fingers scratched themselves raw their arms twixed the glowing light
oh to feel the candle light
upside down in my eyes dance things I can only guess at
though my nervous tension guides our hands to thinning hair
punctured on step dry grass drinks deep of bloods thickly following pain
drops my eyes glance on legs want for dance
still they hold the vain clasp of your disapproval
followed the books of work pointless babblings
the goal so empty an hollow
a different name a different part of the same stories
they sit in their head hands clasped on a bit of tortured reality
built on words of long gone
the time to be has come and gone though the dreamer only thinks this way
featured films play in our head reality filter turned on full blast
I tempt the feet of mine to take those few faltering steps
bent over backwards they hold my ankles nicely
sweaty palms I feel swelling fingers I see
brain drained fellow perhaps pains
all them circular worlds focused on spots floating where none can see
save none perhaps those that glide through streams and lakes
desert and forest holding it all
they the all try the pound
wreathing and swarming on itself trying to get back in
fellow bug of mine twitch a song with me the mind as empty as she can see


 - xxx  -  reply
Is there such thing as Planet X ?
Or the possibility of a pole shift in our lifetimes?
I think of myself as a skeptic, although I would for some sick reason want one or the other to come true as said by the end of 2003. Though if Planet X was real the other would be a given if it came within gravitational pull of our planet. Hmmm. ? There is allot of information or dis-information out on the internet, true or not? I am not sure. As everyone that’s speaking wants you to believe what they say for their own reasons. Same goes for many other things that are supposed to happen, or were supposed to happen, such as the y2k problems, the return of a "savior" at or around y2k. Or the prophecies by so many self proclaimed prophets.
I grow tired of the terror threat, or of the coming of a "savior", or our planet being ripped apart by a "rouge" 12th planet...
Perhaps you as a reader should view the following as a object lesson: http://survivalcenter.com/Planetx.html
Seems like a bunch of hype. Kind of like the same hype that happens every so often regarding some kind of revival, and imminent coming of a "savior" to rapture the righteous and burn the wicked in eternal hell fire.
I will go as far as to say the same regarding the terror attacks. As I read what I just typed I second-guess myself. As that’s the one thing I had not read anything about before it happened. Though the evidence of SOMETHING was prevalent days and weeks before.
I do not know why I can not for all the effort I put into it, imagine myself getting old and working the same job for years, and living in the same house. Why is that?
On a lighter note, here is more information regarding planet x.
Even better yet here is some more credible? information regarding the same http://users.telerama.com/~rev/planetx/gif.htm


 - education  -  reply
I had a "session" last night, in which I was shown new technology that actually worked as supposed to. I saw a child "robot" learning to walk, exhibiting all characteristics of a human child learning to walk. I saw people sitting around a circular shaped room creating news, I held a device that read the users mind and learned to help based on the current situation. I saw the free flow of information as curiosity asked the question. I saw calm "people" integrated with their environment, using tablets to view what seemed to be live information, displayed crystal clear. I woke feeling very excited to have seen what will be. It was as if I was really there, being given a tour and shown these things for some reason? Dreams are strange. I wish I could rememmber more.
I am still told by a young one that she wants to go see "Valis" this in itself strikes me as odd, as she is but 2yo. Where did she get this idea from?


 - pawn takes queen  -  reply
http://www.theregister.co.uk/content/6/26134.html

 - 500  -  reply
"Santiago de Compostela Camino"

 - gnosticism - ?  -  reply
http://www.kki.net.pl/gregory/PKDLNKE.HTM
http://www.uweb.ucsb.edu/~freuden/PKD.html
http://www.webcom.com/%7Egnosis/pkd.biography.html
http://www.ourladyswarriors.org/dissent/defgnost.htm
http://www.visitations.com/mindnet/mnindex.htm
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/089281750X/002-3326649-1971234
http://www.hiddenmysteries.com/item100/item166.html
http://www.ichthys.com/#Part%202A: %20The%20Seven%20Churches


 - sidereal  -  reply
VALIS: Vast Active Living Intelligence System

 - ticket  -  reply
AMERICAN JIHAD

 - question..  -  reply
America creates its own terrors..I tend to agree.. and ponder. But hey what should I care? I still drive to a fro, I still make "money", I have freedom. I suppose thats the idea, we all are "happy" so why question?
wonder what we will accept when we accept the smallpox vaccination en-mass...

a quote:
my moment people: judge me, judge you.
go to hell.
thanks, you too.


 - valis  -  reply
"Let's go see valis!", a little girl proclaimed over and over.
Still nothing news


 - etal  -  reply
I dreamed last night of pkd lecturing me on the basics of reality. He was trying to explain to me that I was experiencing a paradox in time. At the same time he was telling me that by me hearing him, made me crazy. And time did not mean anything anyway. So I slept. I woke, or least I thought I did. The day progressed, then I woke. I rememmbered my day as I lived it. I wondered why it should suprise me anymore. Dream, dream a hundred bad dreams. Perahps. But I still like to sleep.

 - news  -  reply
No news is real news

Me ll and my bro's went to the dunes national park last weekend, the dunes are over 700ft tall!!! The sand was really fine and extremely clean. We hiked up them at night as the sand was to hot to walk on during the day...as we tried during the day and burnt our feet..! Even when the sand is cool its difficult to hike up as our feet sunk 6in with each step. I feel burnt out...l has been sick, and I have been fighting off what everyone around has had for the last week. The news seems so redundant lately, nothing really happening, dont know what I mean by that, other than I think things are missing from the news. What do I mean? not sure. bla bla.

  re: news  
yes.. listening to the news lately is like watching reruns of an orange-glo infomercial. i think everyone is holding their breath.. for what? not sure..

 - Won’t try to rationalize if you don't  -  reply
I lounge in my ergonomically happy office chair, my back bent at an awkward angle, wrists feeling pinched, a happy glaze pasted to my cheeks. In my eyes I see the reflection of a large radiation emitting cathode ray tube. The cells in my face being awash in this glow have undergone numerous changes, or so I think. Perhaps even hope. Sometimes I feel twitchy, as if I almost could abandon my body and hurl myself through my surroundings. I say “myself” not really comprehending what I may or may not consist of if I were to shed my flesh like an old uselessly stretched condom dripping with the mess of everyday life. My coworkers would gasp in horror at my carcass slumped in my ergonomic office chair, arms, legs and torso slumped at angles possible only if all solid matter has left, or as if under the radiation of my monitor turned to sponge. In my mind I ricochet around corners left by peoples passing comments. Feigned interest, wondered judgment, still their faces interest me. They pass and see me try to meet their eyes, or perhaps they don’t. Either way my eyes eagerly dance on their faces, sliding down their cheeks, across the sticky flesh of their necks. The cotton I see, the different fabrics our pitiful bodies find solace inside. Sometimes the vibration of something overcomes me, for a happy second I am unable to move my hands, in my excitement I try to further the feeling. The feeling like a scared rabbit runs. In my over zealousness I try to feed it, but instead smash it to bits. I careen around bends in conscious thoughts looking for a way out, or perhaps something more. More… I invent situations in my mind, I constantly ponder things that don’t exist, I give them time in my mind, otherwise I would feel to be a husk. Or so I think. Marching to and fro, feeding at the troughs, taking upon the communal bathrooms where noises exist that have no right being heard by any living self aware being. The maze of cubicles, somehow it does not seem fitting for a self-aware being. To spend many years living in this environment, when so much exists in the world to discover, so many places, within and without. Somehow the ability to be happy in a mundane existence interjected by myriads of commercials, escapes me. Ah yes, commercials being the key to happiness, at least they want peoples to believe that, for the sake of the economy. Without the economy order would collapse? Without our commercials we would wander around lost, looking for chips to eat, soda to guzzle. Neither exists. My husk likes to walk and get lost in thoughts I do not consciously hear. The grateful buzz of silence that deafens me, when the wind does not even blow. I hear the sunrays falling around me, in this point I am happy. Living for that moment, one after the next, each existing when it does, and not frightful of its passing, its ultimate demise. Stopping, going, tomorrow does not matter. Anxious for something that escapes my imagination.

 - humorz & Jack-n-Jill  -  reply
There is someone out there that sends me humorous emails now and then, usually when it is most appreciated, thank you :)
  re: humorz  
Very amusing website :) http://www.foundmagazine.com/ I love the "notes" section!

 - nondo  -  reply
Thought I should make these numbers live on
Dow 8,976.67 -150.15 -1.7%
Nasdaq 1,397.42 -26.57 -1.9%
S&P 500 958.43 -17.71 -1.8%

LL will be here today or tomorrow night! :) And I have off all of next week, we will have to make the best of it, and do as much as we can. It will be his first time out here, he will be here until the 26th of July, then I will be driving him back to WI.
The new job is ok, its too easy, not challenging enough though. So I have again started to work on learning flash. I downloaded Dreamweaver MX yesterday...damn..what a nice web development tool! Of course I want to learn asp.net, perl, cf...java...just to name a few. Things are changing to fast as far as technology goes and trying to keep up with everything. I used to be able to wrap myself around all the new technologies, back in the day when the net was young, all of 6-7 years ago...! I am already outdated!
Bought 2 new PKD books yesterday, "Time out of joint" and "Confessions of a crap artist", both look interesting. Still have yet to see "The Minority Report" though I did read the book, all 30pages of it. The book is good, the movie I expect to be well thought out.
My brother B got a job last week at where my dad works, never thought I would see that, and he is working 2nd shift?
DSL - should have it installed next week sometime. My parents have it now also, all high tech now, though it bothers me alot that they actually paid for MSN...?! Without offering to pay for the DSL service from the ISP I administrate, even though it would be cheaper. Really irritates me, especially since thats all I have been talking about for the last years.. AHHHrghhhh. Why does the little company not make it? Because its "easier" to default to the no brain drain all controlling m$ - n crap. We have people converting to our dsl service all the time, saying that m$n is crap. Frustrating! So tell me why to buy services from a ma and pop graphics shop instead of Kinko’s, which is open 24/7 and is more reliable.
There is more I want to say, but my view is polluted with ponderings of what people may think or .... I used to write here what I really thought, but have wandered away from that, to my own chagrin. This space is for me to spill things on, and mix them around without the fear... thats it, fear that is. Silly problem, though I suppose ultimately it does help our species survive.
Events create waves radiating from the event center. We think that the waves follow a natural course and radiate from the center, or you/I being the epicenter. But I think an event has a center in each person involved. We are each the center of our world but not the center of everyone’s world...bla bla bla.
I have had many thoughts and worries lately, not sure where to go with them, I think they just need time to even out, let the peaks catch up with the valleys.


 - not  -  reply
Things are not always what you seem...


 - before  -  reply
I have said and thought this before, again things seem to be building.

 - moition  -  reply
This morning as I was driving into work, listening to NPR, pondering the bombings today outside the U.S. Consulate in Karachi, which killed 11, I saw a trio of small birds hoping about in the road, near the center line. As I approached, I realized that one of their fellow feathered friends had been snuffed out, probably by some speeding motorist clipping along, high on caffeine, with thoughts of the weekend and the looming Friday ahead swilling in their mind. I slowed to observe this spectacle before me, and watched the behavior of the animals (?) as they seemed to try to understand why their fellow would not join them in flirting about the skies, but remained motionless.
Well that did not happen today, rather last Friday... So I sit sipping my coffee, eating my vitamin candy cocktail. Caffeine is nice, it melts them quickly (it seems) speeds my heart, well you know how it works...
Its been hot here, yesterday it was 99, it feels close to that now, our little window air conditioner is useless... this last weekend was fathers day...hmm not sure what to think about that, just does not strike me in any particular way? Me and B went exploring much of the northeastern part of the mountains, all the way up into Wyoming on Saturday. Its nice being in an area so remote you can drive for 40 miles down a dirt road and not see anyone. A person could spend an easy week exploring that area, all the many trails, and not travel the same spot twice. My brothers and I foolishly drove back out there last night (3 hour drive) to go mountain biking for 15min before it got dark. The section of trail we were on was a downhill stretch that lasted 2 miles...intersected with many jumps...mountain biking is so much more fun when all one is doing is hanging on for dear life and trying to avoid rocks, stay on the trail and not overheat your brakes. Yes its true.
Well we are mid-way through the 3rd week here. I think things are going well, we have our bumps in the road, but things look good. It will be nice to get a real paycheck again, been waaaaaaaaay to long since the last one. Be even nicer to start paying out moneys I owe.

  re: moition  
as I was reading your entry a robin flew towards the giant window in front of my desk and hit the glass with a big thud~****~tweet~****~tweet~****~then it flew away unharmed.

 - old book cover  -  reply
I'll send you some of your art/photos may have shared with us....told LL about seeing the fires told him not to worry...they were amazing to see from the road to Mt Evans...coming down after dark...the red orange glowing far away.

 - computer mess..  -  reply
My primary hard drive failed this weekend, as a result I lost about 2 years worth of artwork and photos. Not to mention email, contact list...all the typical important stuff that goes away when a drive fails. I no longer have all my IM programs, so if you know who I am send me an email, as I dont have (your) email address anymore. Or any of my contact numbers for people I know. Stupid keeping all that info on my computer... So I now have win XP. I actually like it much more than 2k, seems like the best yet as far as m$ products go anyhow. The new job is perfect, only 6 hours per day, or if I want 4 days a week. Still make about what I used to make with full benefits so I am not going to complain, but thank the great cosmic goo that I am working a real job again. They close from the 30th till the 6th of July which is perfect, a nice vacation, not that I need it...! LL will be coming out at the end of the month!!! :) I cant wait!!

 - employment  -  reply
Well the job at HP actually came through today, I start work on Monday 6/10. It's only a 6 month contract but hopefully I will find something else at HP by that time!! I will have my first real job in 7 months, what a shock!
  re: employment  
Sir Lawrence, Congrats,Congrats!!! I really hope everything works out for you on your new job. Take care mister...

 - .new.  -  reply
Finished the book "A Scanner Darkly" very good book, unexpected twists and turns, the main character divides into two, still being the same, but neither realizing it.
Moved into the new place, nice neighborhood, nice area, nice town, close to everything, affordable, and its a house. No upstairs people to deal with, no downstairs people to deal with, just us. Amazing. 4 blocks north is 34 that goes through to Estes Park, all of 22 miles away. So close to the mountains...! I have an interview with HP today, for a Webmaster position, which I was told last week, was already filled, but low and behold, the person they hired did not work out! To bad, but good for me! If the HP job works out they are not more than 8 miles away, it would be perfect.


 - 8 gauge needle in the arm  -  reply
Tell me how big that is?
Tell me what a person looks like that is whiter than white?
Tell me what you think?


 - pause  -  reply
If one thinks they can, or one thinks they are, then does it matter if what one thinks is the truth, if it is the truth they know, then no other really matters in the equation. Even if the equation is self-destructive, can that fact be observed reliably from within the equation? This of course speaking from the point of view of a variable, in my own equation. Solving the moment changes the equation rendering the work done incorrect, as observing changed the rules. Is it possible to solve ones self? Observing the particle changes the answer.

 - slight silver  -  reply


 - miss fire  -  reply


 - idea stand  -  reply


 - stand by  -  reply


 - Boulder lightning...  -  reply


 - relo  -  reply
So we are moving to Ft Collins June 1, exciting, to0 much to0 do before then. Not to mention the stress of starting a new life. We found 2 different places that we would like to rent in Loveland, which is just south of Ft. Collins, now to get approved for one of them. Anxiety has been my disease this past week. My brothers got here on Tuesday; surprisingly enough they are already anxious to start working somewhere. I guess its because they finally know what freedom of working (oxymoron?) is like, or rather the freedom that can be had from making reliable money, as I type that it seems to grate on my nerves. A job lead that seemed fairly good on Monday has already disappeared, I even had a phone interview, then found out yesterday that HP/Compaq has decided not to hire for the position. Why can't they figure that out before getting my hopes up..heh. Yes the world revolves around me... My brothers and I are going to go out hiking tomorrow morning for a couple of days, should be a nice adventure, not sure if the youngest of us will be up for the whole adventure, walking for 4 days, no real food, lots of cold, lots of snow (still, we got a foot up in the mountains last night) we are going to check out an area near Devils Thumb, right on the continental divide. Will be nice to get out and let my mind forget this here and now for awhile. Not that the here and now is bad, but it needs thinking, and reflecting. Lil Lar will be coming out in the end of June for 2 weeks, I am glad we will have our own place by then.

Colorado Weather

  re: relo  
other half details

 - shield  -  reply
oh parents shield your little ones eyes, the eyes that show the reflection of so much of our futile efforts to control ourselves with multifaceted commercialism. brand my lifestyle, give it a look, market to my supposed best intent. sell me sneakers, sell me an suv make me a slave to the commercials I watch, make me a slave to your pretty system, make me a slave to created time, rule my waking breaths, every heart beat leashed to enticing music, why leave my car, I have a dvd player, a big screen tv, and of course a cooler with my favorite beverage. thank you for selling me my only respite, my only happiness, thank you for your laws protecting me from my creativity, my spontaneity wiped off my face, replaced with a nice prescription induced cheese grin. its nice, i can go to mcdnlds for a bag o happiness, trace chemicals that slowly alter my brain chemicals, my body needs the grease, a familiar sign, things. sell me a smile, sell me some sorrow, sell me a feeling of completeness. oh but you forget that thing that exists, perhaps not so much as a thing as a pain, a pain in the gear. in a fleeting moment a thought is there and then gone. scares me. a complete thought, a story a memory suddenly stolen without warning from me. i see myself in every other possible parallel world and none is a livable as this one, how scary is that. knowing that everything is that much on edge. I think to sleep tonight, lucidly dreaming away the night, really though just living in a moment.

 - yea  -  reply
..moby fucking rocks..

 - emoticon  -  reply


 - gee thanks  -  reply
Our noble leader says he would have tried to foil the attacks if he had known about them... That sounds like the logic of a 6 year old. Do we need to be told that? Pet our collective heads and everything will be ok sir.
And also...
tell me whats wrong with this statement
"Cardinal Apologizes to Victims of Sex Abuse"
When a person recognizes so much crap in the world, and it's only getting worse, and church was the answer, and now(and in the past), people are seeing the churches for what they are, just another way to make a living off of the weak minded, it's hard enough to have faith in the government, let alone the church...I suppose now is the time for the anti-christ to make its appearance and save the world from itself. I suppose our collective little eyes will need to take a trip to the top of a mountain and be shown what will be ours if we only believe. So I suppose the stage is set, and ready to be filled with a new cast of characters.

  re: gee thanks  
or the stage has been set like this since our inception; and we are merely observing a rerun of the same episode that has been in existence since the dawn of time. it has always been this way, because this 'always' is but a single moment. we are merely saying "no" to eternity and letting this moment play out as it will; until, eventually, we will whitness it's outcome (as we have always expected we would, the way we have always expected it to be) and be forced to realize again what we've already known, and will always know: this is a mere illusion, let's just get over it.

 - awake  -  reply
movie you must see, "Waking Life" even if the individual meanings escape you, the whole will sink in.
http://www.wakinglifemovie.com
A thought came to me....the people that dont understand, are the people that are figments of the waking dream....this is to be said about any religion or any belief that has the supposed few enlightened members. We each know of some individual that is "less" enlightened than ourselves, and we think, "If they would only see my point"(of light)
It's too simple, I don't understand. Thats my problem. Make it complex, make it twisted, draw it out over centuries and the meaning jumps at me.
I wish people would just really tell me "how they are doing" or tell me to fuck off. Or just tell me what they are really feeling. I am sick of canned responses, and emotional icons. Kick me in the eye, spit in my juice, swear at my haircut, swallow my story, all in the blink of your eye. But still the words are just icons, the meaning can only be yours. What does the sunset mean to you? I really do want to know.
Perhaps a new set of icons will properly put meaning where everyone can taste it. Embody the meaning in a sandwich, a fry...
Give me something to kill the time, kill the meaning, drown it in beer perhaps. Still I imagine myself as a sped of dust wandering a valley...
360 degree vision...once in a dream I have had such a thing...

  re: awake  
Perceived dimensions are blending together slowly..attempting to form one final intention...various frequencies are becoming louder and more defined..yet only a handful of us are recording it.

 - sunrise  -  reply
Sunrise this morning



 - rosehill  -  reply
...

 - antigravity  -  reply
and storms

 - readings...  -  reply
From "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz

"Just as the government has a book of laws that rule the society’s dream, our belief system is the Book of Laws that rules our personal dream. All these laws exist in our mind, we believe them, and the Judge inside us bases everything on these rules. The Judge decrees, and the Victim suffers the guilt and punishment. But who says there is justice in this dream? True justice is paying only once for each mistake. True injustice is paying more than once for each mistake.

How many times do we pay for one mistake? The answer is thousands of times. The human is the only animal on earth that pays a thousand times for the same mistake. The rest of the animals pay once for every mistake they make. But not us. We have a powerful memory. We make a mistake, we judge ourselves, we find ourselves guilty, and we punish ourselves. If justice exists, then that was enough; we don't need to do it again. But every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again, and we punish ourselves again, and again, and again. If we have a wife or husband he or she also reminds us of the mistake, so we can judge ourselves again, punish ourselves again, and find ourselves guilty again. Is this fair?

How many times do we make our spouse, our children, or our parents pay for the same mistake? Every time we remember the mistake, we blame them again and send them all the emotional poison we feel at the injustice, and then we make them pay again for the same mistake. Is that justice? The Judge in the mind is wrong because the belief system, the Book of Law, is wrong. The whole dream is based on false law. Ninety-five percent of the beliefs we have stored in our minds are nothing but lies, and we suffer because we believe all theses lies."



 - safe  -  reply
my little hell


 - helmet  -  reply
Need a helmet? SHOEI RF-800 take a look :)

Global warming? bah! or?

Of course the economy is getting better...?


 - swimmingly sentient sweats  -  reply
watched the movie kpax last night with Lisa, and I had a eerie feeling that I have seen it before, years ago.
Lisa left for home today, it was hard seeing her go, and not being sure of when I will see her again. Our trip to Wisconsin (5/1-5/9) was quite an adventure.. It was hard to say goodbye to lil Lar, as always. I really miss him...I have only seen him for a total of about a week so far this year..that in itself is hard to deal with.
I have more to write, just can't seem to arrange the thoughts in my head very well.
There are to many things going on right now, but nothing seems to be in place...I feel like I have my hand in a bag of marbles, and with my eyes closed trying to find the only red marble. The only help being a blind man trying to guide my crossed fingers with his shaky voice.

When a person is trapped in their own hell
When a person is told that they need counseling
When a person is their own judge, jury, and punisher
When a person wonders at what their own thoughts
When a person torments themselves over partially remembered events
When a person wanders in circles, unable to find their way out
When a person strives to remember what is hidden
When a person stumbles suddenly on a memories edge
When a person winces with that thought
When a person denies themselves their own history
When a person s history denies them the satisfaction of closure
When a person s mind has been twisted emotionally
When a person s being functions on incorrect life rules
When a person hates themselves without really consciously knowing why
When a person wants pain and simultaneously hates themselves for the want
When a person is told that they remember supposed twisted arrangements
When a person s basic trust of life is violated time and again
When a person s very physical being is violated, and then told it's ok
When a person s very insides scream
I wish I could tell it all, I wish it would come pouring out, I don’t want it anymore, I want to move forward, the stuck persists... would it help? I don’t know. Pieces seem to be missing, I seem to be unable to formulate a complete picture, and perhaps that is it.

  re: swimmingly sentient sweats  
The zebra wants to keep it's stripes. It says that it protects it. Well it doesn't. The leopard wants to change his spotting , but is afraid to let the old go. It is great to want the new, but you cannot have the new until you release the old. You don't have to throw it away just let it go. Don't hold on to it. If it is a car, think of not having it anymore. Don't drive it off a cliff. Don't leave the keys in it. Just say to yourself, I release this car. Then it will be released and the new shall come. Try this and see the new flow in.

 - aesthetically pleasing,  -  reply
in other words - "fly"
This week me and L will be venturing to Milwaukee again, going to stay there for a week we think, be nice to suprise LL :)


 - icon  -  reply
!i think - rows of icons - blocks of code


 - root  -  reply
roots


 - breakfast table  -  reply



 - again & needless & again and  -  reply
Tantalizing bits of possible realities wash up on the shores of my conscious mind, I stick my toes in them and am sometimes shocked with the cold realization that perhaps I find them because I look for them. Perhaps they are there because in the past my wandering mind flirted with the possibility, then promptly lost itself in expanding the micro un-reality to a future time. I speak as if these times have happened hence since, I do not know for positive, as I cannot directly observe myself creating my own tomorrows generalities. The constructs present themselves in a spinning moment, then as quickly as they are, they are not. I am afraid then of my mind wanderings - perhaps afraid is not the proper term - unsure seems more fitting. Thinking back to my laced shoes, crows cocked head and "hop-on-one-leg" stance, I realize I inhabit worlds once imagined, though not directly observed.
Do I need to excuse my mumblings

  re: again   
The mythological meaning of the Hero saving his missing link, whether it may be the True Love towards a person or country, is seldom interpreted as a fairy tale. The Beauty of fairy tales is the opposite to what we are - our attitudes. The other interpretation that very few people understand and accept is the synchronized dream we all share in a subjective form. The subjective meaning of the mythological symbolism is felt by every Being whose Consciousness is Ready - civilized Being. It Feels that the Soul already knows what needs to be achieved, and its repetition brings the Change that Creates the Future. When a Soul reaches a level of evolvement in which the ignorance of one plane is eliminated as from the others, then the physical body is the resemblance of the Spiritual Body at the highest degree of Evolvement. It is the Level that very few people fully comprehend the True Meaning of. Most Beings of this plane or similar discover and accept this Level without Understanding the Changes required to be part of it. This Understanding is the Journey of a Soul through an unknown number of mystical planes. It's the Beginning of the Life that was prophecised. (I came across this today after reading your entry)
  re: again   
Where did you read that?

 - sun - moon rise  -  reply


 - holiday  -  reply
Aurora Borealis should be visible in the Midwest, I am surprised that I cannot see them here in Idaho, supposedly last night and tonight should be prime times to see them. Anyone in the Midwest, take a look, let me know, though I suppose the permanent cloud cover might hide them:)
I head back home to CO tomorrow morning, and back to finishing the websites. The trip out here was nearly uneventful, save the stuck gas pedal coming down out of the mountains...talk about frightening. I think there is water in my oil also, I hope I am wrong, but it looks foamy...probably a head gasket, as if I have not done enough work on it already. With the trip to WI coming up, and all the other work I have yet to do, its not something I look forward to repairing. I hope it makes it back to CO ok. anyyyhooowww...
Its good to Lisa as always, I just regret the leaving part. Be nice to have her with me for 2 weeks next month!:) I met her real mom today, it was a good meeting. The resemblance between then is quite apparent, and I see where she gets her beauty from! I am really looking forward to my website development business taking off this summer. Will be nice to choose when and how much vacation to take!! Makes me nervous thinking about supporting a family and more on income derived from work I do in my home from business I have to find. Though more and more lately the word of mouth advertisement method has got me more work than I know what to do with.
An earthquake in the east? hmmm when was the last one?
Ah yes...last year this was the weekend me and my brothers went on our trip to KY, good times, still have yet to scan those pictures..!
A picture from my ski adventure earlier this year

Sun, moon...rise


 - away!  -  reply
I am off to Idaho tomorrow, its always an adventure when you are traveling on very few dollars, with a backup of change collected over the last couple weeks. Makes it better I think, no poluting things with "fast food" and that garbage. One can travel quite far on very little given the need, or the want. Hotel? Tent. Fastfood? Ramen noodles eh. Soda? Water. Though of course there will have to be an allowance for film..! Will be nice when I finish the web work I have been doing, then I will be quite ok for at least a month or so, just have to watch my spending...
sleep.....

  re: away!  
It's good to have you here with me. Last night was fun, eh?

 - or is it  -  reply
Or is it neither of these?

 - why o  -  reply
Why is it I am that way?
What way?
The way I am!
What way are you?
I am addicted to those things which appeal to me, and in the same respect addicted to things that are bad, perhaps the same percentage. Why is it I get fed up and just need a major change, no matter the consequences, or rather ignoring the consequences. Or lying to myself that there are no consequences. Perhaps I think too much.
Think to much about what?
About what I just wrote sometimes, and other times I think about things that have some root in the above, perhaps quite a bit of a root. Do you feel the need for suffering on some level?
Not consciously, but I see the reflections in my life as to its existence, sometimes I feel it, but then I forget.
Is forgetting good to do?
Its not always a choice, there is much of my past that is a mystery to me, this makes things hard sometimes, as you know if you cant remember your past you are damned to relive it over and over and over...
Yes I get the point, people tell me things of myself and I wonder if they are really talking of me or telling some kind of story about a fictional person, or playing a sick joke.
Now, who are you talking about?
Me of course, the person that is slowly evolving in front of the computer into a anti-social something or another.
Is it that you are anti-social or just lazy?
What do you mean lazy?
I mean not wanting to expend the brain power needed to fully interact with your fellow man.
You mean my fellow cattle? (laugh)
If you think that description fits, then I, as well as you are both in that category.
Does that bother you?
What? That I think I am trying to be turned into a mindless drone? hmmm That did not come out right, rather, That I think they are trying to turn me into a mindless drone?
I think that’s enough for this session...


 - ...  -  reply


  re: ...  

 - sunny 365  -  reply
Last year around this time, me and my brothers went to KY, I hope to be able to see them soon, would be good to go on an another adventure with them... More than anything I miss lL, I have to ignore the feeling sometime or it would eat me alive, and reduce me to a quivering mass of twisted feelings. This I know. I keep my mind trained on the thought that I will see him again soon, the soon is largely up to me. I work with goals in mind of travel to see the ones I love that are so far away.

 - devils in the details...  -  reply
FINALLY figured out why the newly rebuilt car was not running right...I had the spark plug wires for the number 2 and 3 cylinders switched..! It took me a freaking week to figure that out, and about 30 hours worth of work...must remember to check and double check...
Soo needless to say, the reason why it did not work when I tried to drive it to wisconsin was the reason stated above. doh.
The new car drives and handles 100% better than my old one..
Need to get Sevendust type music...


 - pre a ramble  -  reply
talk about a rambling nonsense post...read my last one...!
Then new car still does not work, I have replace most everything I can think of, even did the fuel injectors yesterday, today going to try the fuel pump, if not that then perhaps a real mechanic can tell me whats going on with it.
Hopefully soon I will be developing websites on my own as a business, I have 8 new sites signed, and needing to be developed, have most of the money for 2 of them, the rest pending the first 2 getting finished. Would be nice if I can work from home developing websites and doing other internet related work...


 - where  -  reply
I got my new tracker fixed a week or so ago, and tried to drive it to Milwaukee, did not get very far before the exhaust overheated and started to actually melt...for some reason the catalytic converter was glowing a nice red color...so needless to say I never made it to Milw in my "new" car. Had to borrow my parents pickup to make the trip "home" to Milw. Made the trip in one day, is easy enough now, I dont even need a map. Spent all of last week helping my parents pack up their house and load it all into a huge moving truck...yes they sold their house and are moving to CO also. I feel very uninspired right this second...dont know why, feel the same way about updating my journal...
anyhow, the parents finally after 2-3 days struggling to fill the moving truck finally got everything jammed into it and started on their trip to CO, which took them 3 days....! My brothers will not be moving for awhile, they both have yet to finish school, next year (if they go back to school) they will be wanting to go to school out here


 - der fuhrer  -  reply
A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it.
-- Washington, DC, July 26, 2001, commenting on negotiating with Congress

"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier...just as long as I'm the dictator..."
-- Washington, DC, Dec 18, 2000, during his first trip to Washington as President-Elect

"There ought to limits to freedom" --at a Press conference at the Texas State House, May 21, 1999, referring to GWbush.com


 - again  -  reply
I realize that this week was written before, there are so many pointers to this week, so many variations of random happenings coinciding, moments of dejavu, I knew. Without knowing. 3/22.3/20.2/20.1/20 The crux is 22 of that 11
I told my dad a week and a half ago that it feels like I am living this part of my life over and over, as if to try to get something right that I failed on a different line.
Though I think the choice ultimately was not mine to have
I only wish I had written of these things more lately, instead of being lazy

  re: again  
And where are you now Lawerence??

 - violate  -  reply
Did not think so.
So here I sit once more totally alone, not for a week, or another month, or another couple of months. Without a partner, the person I have grown to love over the past year, through many shared heartaches, she has gone, not for a month or a day or a couple of months. I fear I will never see her again. Its time again to withdraw inwards, close off the hell that has been my life. In the past year I have had some of the happiest moments of my life, all nothing more now than unattainable memories, more shattered dreams. All over one inconsequential moment among all the moments in the past year. One I wish I could scrape out like some unwanted cancer, but the damage has been done, the seed sown. If only it could be unsown as easy and stupidly as it was given life. Though the memory will live on in some...
How does one deal with so much disappointment and continue to carry on?
Has anyone read a spouses/girlfriends private (non online) journal without their permission? You let what you read, mean what you want it to mean. Its sort of like dissecting an animal after its dead, trying to figure out how it works. I feel dissected, misinterpreted, misjudged, out of context... All over a meaningless misjudged conversation. When A person has made their mind up, and created their own truths, regardless of what really happened, how can one argue with that? So over a meaningless...ICQ...conversation, a real world relationship has come to an end. Over what? ICQ, TEXT, No feeling, no emotion, just bullshit. It amazes me how something can grow and seem so strong and yet be destroyed so easily. I suppose it just shows me how naive and stupid I have been..


 - can you  -  reply
Can you genuinely smile for someone?


Books I have finished...
The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch
The divine invasion

  re: can you  
I will personally deliver "A Scanner Darkly" to you tomorrow night, even though I'm not quite done with it.

 - books...  -  reply
Books I am reading...
Far Journeys
Philip K. Dick Reader
The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch
The divine invasion


 - ooh yea  -  reply
"If you wanted to have a relationship over a cell phone, I would stamp it to a million billion pieces."

Hey even you can loose weight if you eat 2/3 cup of cereal and skim milk.

Hey son will you go get your mom her ID, she is in the driveway and is going to the health club and does not want to get out of the car...

Ah yes Milwaukee....

You break it, please fix it

Damn it, the times have only got harder...

Oh can you please sport me a J, oh yes and ticket to there.

Thanks eh for the introduction..

Was it easier? Was it better?

What reality are you stuck in?


 - stuck  -  reply
stuck in the irresistible suck of time, washed dread, feeling bled, bitter years, swallowed bitter tears, choices are not really ours, perhaps to ponder, not to fathom, the ghost that dances on my fingertips, misty mornings after tormented nights dreams, imagined dreams, the reality of sleep taunting, reading of yesterdays dreams is shallow respite for sought escape, for needed ...

 - troubled bits in me...  -  reply
"The trouble with poets is that they talk to much..." ? Or perhaps they say too much, talk too little reality, and live in too much interpreted reason. Sometimes the simple is all that is needed, sometimes that is all there is left. Still there is trouble, why do we need trouble to make us real? Seems I have been treading water for quite sometime, how did I get into this water that I can’t seem to get out of? Well I jumped in of course, with a smile on my face; I had no idea what would happen, I still am not sure. I have lots of ideas, wants... For all intent and purpose I might as well be trying to get my point across by splashing around in a hurricane. Yelling "Hey look at me splash!" which is all lost in the surrounding storm.. . Why can’t I for once build a boat before jumping? If it were only that simple the answer would be plain as the nose on my face. I of course then expect people around me to support me enough to just keep my head out of the water, because I am to proud to ask outright and beg. That is getting easier. I don’t want to. Why is employment evading me at every turn? If I want I could go out and get a 27k yr job tomorrow. Which would be like calmly putting ankle weights on and trying to swim. Ah shit. Or is it that since I have made 2xs as much in the past I wont settle for less? Hmmm if I took the lesser amount, I could afford about 1/2 of my bills and not a place to live. So the question is, how long do I keep trying to hold out for that better piece of cheese? LOL! When one has cheese it is easy to talk about how stinky it is, and when you don’t, how sweet the stinky cheese smells.
  re: troubled bits in me...  
"Jump, and the net shall appear" I'm thinking that maybe your net is on backorder???:)

 - black coffee, green international  -  reply
I have been very bad lately at updating my journal, not for a lack of time but for a lack of to much time I think. I feel like I am in stasis, floating in the neitherworld between lukewarm layers of thick oil and water.
Lisa was here all of last week, was great of course to have her here...we spent lots of time wandering around in the mountains, lots of offroading and hiking. I am amazed she actually put up with my offroading insanity. One day we followed a 4x4 trail up into the mountains, that was not marked on the map well, kind of guessing where we were going. The lower parts of the trail were mostly free of snow, and just barley wider than my truck. The higher we slowly wound our way up, the more snow there was and the narrower and more insane the trail got. We spent about 4 hours trying to find the end of it and our way back to the road. In that amount of time I had to winch my car back onto the trail twice, due to the amount of snow and angle at which the trail was...insane. We eventually found out that the trail just deadended about 4-10 miles in, the rest of the trail and land that it was had been donated to the boulder county school system. Damn kids..lol! Which worried us a bit and required backing up the trail for quite a ways as there was no way to turn around. It was fun regardless. I she put up with it! An adventurous woman, likes to hike...we mesh well if we just "be"...she is awsome!
Later in the week we went offroading again and spent a couple hours hiking around looking at rocks and trying to find clear quartz, we found lots and lots of white quartz(I think thats what it was) hiked to the top of quite a few vantage points and both of us shared the thought of how nice it would be to spend a week or so in the summer just hiking around and living in the mountains :) On the way out, we had drive/scramble up some pretty insane rocks in the trail, I think it was actually a river bed, Lisa had to get out and direct my driving, the rocks were that huge. Some more than 4-8 feet in diameter, which needless to say led to some pretty extreme angles and approaches in my truck. We made it up about half-way, Lisa was directing me up a pretty good sized set of rocks on a extreme incline when my front differential cracked, and totaly trashed my front axle. Very bad thing to happen a couple miles into the mountains... Scared the hell out of me and Lisa, we thought we were going to be stranded in the mountains..or have to walk out. I was able to put my truck in rear 2 wheel drive and back most of the way out...which was not easy... anyhow enough of the offroading yacking...! My parents are moving to Colorado. This was a shock at first, but now I like the idea, I just worry about LL and the rest of the family that will be left in WI...how will they react? It will be hard for everyone I think... sigh.. I will be going to school within the next couple of weeks for my MCSD, which should help in the job department. I helped my parents pick out a house to rent in LaFayette, they will be renting it for a couple of months and then me and Lisa will take over the remainder of the lease. Very nice house, 2 car garage, 2 full bathrooms, deck, fireplace, all appliances, mountain views...! What more can I say? Its awsome! 3 bedrooms even, which will be nice for when LL visits, or anyone else that visits. Has a living room, dining room/kitchen, and den!!! I cant wait to live there with Lisa!!! :)


 - ep - if - any ?  -  reply
Today I have finally figured out how to write what would be known as "business logic" for a msSQL DB that has been frustrating me for months...it was quite a revelation...suddenly the solution was there, and all I could think was wow, why didn’t I think of that last year? The new query will save hours of processor time per month, a couple megs of db space, a couple seconds on live query time...must be the full moon that I cant see :) Query running time to fix at fault tables, 27min...!!!

Lisa is coming out on Sunday, which of course I am very happy with! We will be looking at places to live and daycare, what different areas are like ect... Will just be nice to have her here with me :) Everything is moving along nicely, well the job part is stuck in a rut at the moment but that will end soon. :)


 - ski pictures  -  reply
The lake at the trailhead where I ski. The trail here is awsome, need better skiis though, ones with metal edges. On the way in you dont even realize that you are going uphill. On the way out...speed is the need. With dull skiis falling is the way to slow down. At night, speed, falling and rocks make quite a mix. 4 miles of "gentle" downhil on x-country skiis is scary..

When its cold eyelashes freeze...

My version of fast food, Mc-who?

Oh yes, if you want snowshoes for a good price I am selling mine, see here:snowshoes!


 - disguise  -  reply
"...in you I see the parallels of our disguise..."
If one wants nothing more than to be poor and live off of the bare minimum that it takes to live, who can say that’s wrong? We can look for excuses for the reason why, what if the only reason is that there is none.


 - more snow  -  reply
This is a great article on snow camping...makes me want to do it even more, I think because its hard, but more becuase you will most likely have the entire moutain to yourself, such a feeling.
http://www.gorp.com/gorp/publishers/countryman/cam_cold.htm


 - dream  -  reply
dreamed last night that I was driving in a car with an insane person. The insane person (man) was driving, he was leering at me and swerving all over the place, going through bushes and ditches. With no care in the world. Laughing at my concern. I was trying to tell him that it was dangerous to drive like that. We then got a flat tire, the man pulled over and I got out to fix it, strangely enough my dad was already fixing it, and the man was laughing at both of us. My dad changed the tire and then got in the drivers seat, and drove through a ditch, I was running behind him yelling for him to stop or he might break something. He stopped, got out, and the man got back in the drivers seat, but seemed quiet now, driving normaly. I started yelling at him and asking him why he was driving so crazy before, he looked confused and told me he had no idea what I was talking about. He said that I must be crazy. He then got on the freeway driving normaly. I was so upset by his earlier wierdness that I kept questioning him, and he told me that it was all in my mind, and I must be dreaming, and continued to tell me how good of a driver he was. There is more.
  re: dream  
immediately i see the crazy driver as a side of yourself...and a side of your dad too. some times crazy is premeditated some times its just that im thinking of something other than what is at hand and necessary now so i crash out of sincronization with the stuff im supposed to have under control. Yes the leering is at a side of yourself

 - hike!?  -  reply
Got to the trailhead Wednesday around 4, and started in. The weather was ok, kind of cloudy but did not look serious. A friend of mine mentioned that Denver was supposed to get some snow. I had checked the day before and did not see anything mentioned. So I started hiking. The trail was mostly clear of snow; there were drifts in some spots. The temperature was good; I did not need gloves or a hat, and had my jacket open. About a mile in, the trail was covered in snow; I tried to walk it but sank up to my knees. Took a break and put on my snowshoes. Everything is ok, no new snow falling, and I am about 2 miles in. Still don’t need gloves or a hat. After about 30 min of walking with my snowshoes it started to snow lightly. I thought "no big deal", and continued on. Then it started to snow harder. At this point the sun was setting and I was about 3 miles in. Since it was getting dark I decided to continue hiking until I found a good place to camp. I snow shoed it for about another 2 miles, until I came to the base of Sawtooth Peak. It looked like a good place to camp, so I found relative shelter in some thick trees near a frozen river. The snow was already about 2-3 feet deep in places so I used my snow shoes to dig out an area about 4ft by 8ft at the base of a huge pine. I had brought 2 sleeping pads so I would be insulated from the snow as much as possible. I laid them down and setup my bivisack. I have a sleeping bag and sleeping bag liner so I figured I would be warm enough. I stuck my boots on my hiking poles to dry, took the food I was going to cook and my stove out of my backpack, then hung the remainder about 6 feet up in pine. By this time it was totally black out and snowing quite heavily. I put on my headlamp that worked awesome, with more than enough light to do anything with. Crawled in my sleeping bag, with my jacket still on as well as double wool socks. I had taken my waterproof (ha) over pants off and had hung them over my backpack to dry over night, and to protect my pack from the majority of the snow. I used a shock cord to hook the backside of my bivisack and sleeping bag to my headlamp, so I could sit up and remain fully protected from the snow and comfortably cook a meal. I cooked ramen noodles to which I added beef jerky pieces to, which was damn good and more than satisfying. After finishing dinner I put the 4 1-litter water bottles next to me in my bivisack so they would not freeze solid over night. I then lay down and used my snow shoes stuck upright in the snow to form a shelter over my head and hold the bivisack off of my face while I slept. I put my stove and pot next to my head and started dozing off. I was half-asleep and semi dreaming when I felt something crawling around next to my face. I thought I was dreaming. I was not. I yanked out my knife and stabbed blindly at the sound, then swung and connected with a mouse. Needless to say it was not happy that I had my knife. That was the end of that problem. I fell back into a restless sleep, trying to find a position that was comfortable and my feet were not freezing. I finally fell asleep, and probably slept for about 4-6 hours. When I dreamed that I was stuck in a cave and could not move. Startled I woke up suddenly and turned on my headlamp to pierce the way to silent darkness. As I sat there trying to see out of my little shelter I realized that as I slept it had snowed a good 2-3 feet and I was under it all. Slightly panicked, I tried to sit up, then realized that if I did my bivisack would be full of snow. So I used my knife to dig upwards and out until I had a good 1-2 foot wide hole out the side of my bivisack to the surface. The initial panic over I noticed that the snow was a good insulator and I was not cold. I also saw that it was snowing very heavy and I could watch it build up in the hole I just dug. Worried about falling asleep again, I drifted in and out of sleep until probably 4-5am. By that time the condensation from me breathing had frozen to everything and I was no longer warm, my feet were cold and I could not get them warmed up. Worried I choose to head back out, having enough rest I thought to make it back before sunrise. I secured the bivisack around my head and sat up through the snow, sitting upright, only my head was above the snow. I then stood up in my bivisack using my hiking poles to steady me as I knocked the snow off my backpack and shook the snow off my waterproof (ha) pants. I put them on and then trying not to slip on the now frozen snow I had been sleeping on, put on my now dry but frozen boots. Having my boots on and being fully secured against the snow and cold I stepped out of my bivisack, which was quite frozen solid from condensation and melted snow. My sleeping bag was also stiff and wet. Hastily jamming everything in my pack after shaking the majority of the snow off of it I put on my pack and secured my snowshoes to my boots. All this was done standing in the space I was sleeping in which looked to much like a shallow grave by this time being a rectangular hole about 4 feet deep in the surrounding snow. The snow was fairly light and fluffy which made it a real pain in the butt to walk through with snowshoes. I would liken it to trying to walk through wet sand that is about ankle deep, without being able to lift your feet out of it. I would say that the snowshoes were more of hindrance than a help but without them on I would sink 2-3 feet in the snow instead 1 foot. I know this because I tried. With a full pack and pitch black surrounding me, the silence of the night filling my brain, I made as much forward progress as I could. I was able to walk about 50-70 steps before being completely out of breath and having to stop and rest. I drank as much water as I could, saved 1 container and emptied the others to get rid of some weight. Perturbed at the amount of snow that was still falling I made my way painfully forward. After snow shoeing for about 2-3 hours I could see twilight, and although it was still snowing I could dimly see the stars above and just make out the moon on the horizon through the light clouds. Relieved that the sun was coming up, I took a long break, took off my pack, got out my camera and my mini-camera tri-pod and attached both to one of my hiking poles. A perfect tri-pod! I sat in the snow watching the glow on the horizon turn to sunrise, the clouds dissipate, the moon start to fade, multiple shooting stars, some even bright enough to be seen through the clouds on the horizon. I took many pictures, and experimented with long exposure, with the foreground pine trees lit up with my headlamp. After sitting and taking pictures long enough to feel a chill settle back into my feet and legs, I started on again. There is something quite awesome about being the first person to wade through freshly fallen snow, with the deafening silence surrounding you. The pine trees were all bowed under the weight of the snow. In this moment I felt an odd peace. Slowly trudging on, my thighs constantly burning from the effort needed to move through the snow, I thought in amazement at the fact that thankfully I was the only person for miles around, Thankful for seeing the awesome beauty of a mountain sunrise and the strength to continue on. The fuzzy thankful feeling faded as the uphill climb started to wear on me immensely; I was now pausing for seconds between every step. I had to set goals of 30 steps before resting and catching my breath. The beef jerky I had seemed to give me energy, weather it was real or imagined I was glad I had it. The water that I had strapped to the front of me was freezing, and was almost to cold to drink. I remember what my dad told me, and warmed the water by the mouthful before swallowing it. I tried to fit the 1-litter container in my jacket to keep it from freezing but it did not fit. The sun now shining brightly, the snow was starting to warm and get easier to walk on. I say easier, but that could be measured with a micrometer. Feeling exhausted, the high from basking in the sunrise in new snow having faded, I moved under sheer will power. Trying to keep the goal of 30 steps before resting, which was hard at times because of snowdrifts in places that were as tall as I am, I thought of the reward of a warm car and being able to sit down without freezing my butt and cooking some more noodle/jerky soup. Around every turn I though I saw the sign marking the trailhead, until I stopped looking. The sun was well up now, the sky was clear, the snow deep, my legs and back in pain, my breath frozen to my goatee and eyebrows, I plodded on. Over and over again I thought I recognized where I was, and thought I was nearly there. I was now also trying to dodge the sun-warmed snow falling from the trees, which was quite substantial. I would hear it fall behind me and think some horrible animal was stalking me. My mind a blur from the cold and pain, I was in a continual controlled fall forward towards where my truck was parked. Eventually I was so exhausted I sat against the trunk of a huge pine, underneath its snow-laden branches. I wondered how long I had been trudging on for, had it been days or hours? Ah yes it had been hours, many slow hours, evidence seen only in the evolution of pitch black to sunrise and moonrise to where the sun was now, just above the treetops beating down on my numb feet. I closed my eyes listened to my heartbeat pound in my ears. I sat like this in a trance until stirred by the sound of snow falling close to me; I opened my eyes and peered at the tree across from me. Initials were carved in it. Damn kids I thought. Why would someone do that? Oh wait I have done that before, damn me, why would I do that?! I sat staring at the date, carved there, 1988. Slowly it sunk into my dim brain, I saw this on the way in, I was nearly out! I staggered to my feet, paused for a moment as my blood caught up to my sudden rise, stars swimming in my eyes; I grasped my hiking poles and continued on. Ah yes one-step at a time no rushing, the end of the trail was somewhere, it would wait for me. After about 40 steps I saw the trailhead sign and the map, and the gate. Yes! I was out! There was the lake, covered in a blanket of snow, steam rising from the far shore, blue sky above, and there was my car. Finally. The road in was not plowed nor was I sure it would be. I took off my pack and snowshoes, and brushed of the huge pile of snow on my car. I got in, sat for a moment, dug out my keys, only to find that it would not start. To which I swore heartily to. Time, 9:07am. It sounded like it was not getting gas or something. I cranked it and cranked it until I could tell the battery was fading. Depressed and looking at my map and realizing it was a good 40 miles to the nearest town, and no one usually lived up here in the winter, I sighed, got out, futilely brushed the rest of the snow off of my car, and decided to make something to eat and let my car warm in the sun, as if that would somehow help. I cooked my noodles and jerky soup and gladly swallowed it down happily burning my mouth. I then laid my seat back and took a nap, nice and warm in the sunlight. Broke car and everything, I was happy, I now had shelter, and lots of food, I could sit here for days if I need to, no way in hell I was going to start walking. It was at least 8 miles just to the ~main~ road. I heard some kind of vehicle; I got out of the car and looked across the lake to see a snowplow coming. I was nearly ecstatic with relief. I got back in my car to wait. I waited and waited. Where was it? 45min had passed, still no plow. I got out and looked across the lake again. No sign of the plow. He had plowed within probably 1 mile of where I was, and then left. Great, now what, so I laid back in my seat again, and dozed off. At about 10:40am a guy in a suburban drove up and parked facing me, I nearly missed him, as I was sleeping, and he was getting ready to ski the trail I just snow shoed. I leapt from my relaxed position to hail what I hoped would be my rescuer. I asked him for a jump, he did not have jumper cables luckily I did. When I turned over the car, he commented, “You have vapor lock, it happens sometimes when vehicles come up to a high elevation, keep cranking it and keep it floored!” Which I had not been doing for fear of flooding it. I kept cranking with it floored and my car finally started to sputter to life, and then popped and it was running, time 11:11am. He took the jumper cables off and told me to keep revving the engine for a couple minuets to be sure it was ok. I thanked him and thanked him and thanked him. He smiled and said no problem, got on his skis waved and was off.

 - cleaner  -  reply
Going on a couple day adventure, bringing as much food as I can, going to stay out as long as I can, which will probably be 2-4 days. Will be snow shoeing/hiking in the Indian Peaks Wilderness.

I Love you Lisa


 - flying  -  reply
I am now in CO, my interview was put off until tomorrow afternoon. Gas is $1.05 - $.97 here, good thing, lets my very few dollars stretch further. If this job falls through, I have a temp agency that I am sure will have some kind of work available. I don't care as long as I am making enough money to rent a place and live. I can find a better job later. Go here for a good overview on the last week :)

Love and miss you Lisa :)

  re: flying  
Sorry to hear about your interview being put off Lar. The pictures look great though--I'm glad to see them! still thinking of a way to come out there... Hope to see ya soon -Ben

 - Picture Update  -  reply

Driving back from our trip to Island Park and West Yellowstone.

Sunset picture taken from Last Chance.

Yale Creek road, looking towards where the cabin is. There is about 3 feet of snow.

The cabin in Island Park

Me feeling warm :)

Another picture of the sunset taken down the road from last chance.

In West Yellowstone, cool icicles. In the winter the town is ruled by ice and snow, the snowmobiles easily outnumber the cars on the roads. Cool place to visit in the winter, due to the lack of people!

It's all just a big blurrrrrrr


 - finally  -  reply
I did some detective work yesterday. Several problems popped up with the ISP that hosts my webstite, I spent quite a bit of time on the phone with them. I think the problems were malicious in nature, only a matter of time before it is known. They have been more than helpful so far.
I got a job in CO today, leave tomorrow. Pays more than I have made at the last job I was at, alot more. And they are a small company, so I will be happy. The plan is in it's next stage finally. Once this part of the plan is stable, lookout world! As I am well armed now with lots of specific information which I know will greatly assist me in my quest. I am so glad I hung on to documents that fell into my possession many moons ago. They shall be the key I think.
Anyhow enough of that, I will be spending new years in Yellowstone(or the surrounding area) with Lisa, damn I cant wait to see her, just a matter of time now. As with everything, patience pays off.
Useless url of the day:
http://www.geek-girl.com/cgi-bin/deepthought

  re: finally  
Congrats, Congrats!!!! Glad to hear that you got a Job Lawrence. Happy for you. Take care!
  re: finally  
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE NEW JOB! You are very deserving of the best life has to offer.

 - ..  -  reply
Threshold : A Novel of Deep Time
Indigo
A Whisper of Blood

Sure I stole these titles from anothers website, but hey they look interesting at least!


 - aroma  -  reply
The aroma of the tart wine fills my nostrils, the music dances through my mind, lips licked in anticipation of the next sip. I look through my reflection, through the smudged glass, into the blowing snow. I look for nothing. The tree swaying, the lights twinkling - ah of course the needed sentimentality. What is it to some but another day, another book, or another gift. Some see where life lives, and it is not with these subtle things.

 - eve's  -  reply
Well yesterday’s entry was a little depressing, but I it was not meant as such. It was a much-needed release. I am glad Christmas is here; I look forward to spending time will my family tonight and tomorrow. My son will be visiting with us tonight :) It will most likely be the last time I see him for probably the next couple of weeks. Wednesday I will get the money from my deposit, and with that money in pocket I will head out west to find my fortune as so many have done before. The fortune I seek is two fold, primarily I seek this awesome woman I have grown to love and respect. My mind is filled with thoughts of the future, plans - plans of a real life. I talked today with her on the phone, we realizing that our plans were moving along on the same timeline we had originally thought they would. I take comfort it that, we set it in motion, provide positive energy, dispel the negative and move forward. We tried to short circuit the timeline and make things move more quickly, and in no subtle terms the world reacted with a snap in the eye. There is a cycle, and it must be followed. Nature works! Not as we see the trees flow or the stars glide by, the unseen but all to real interactions between us and the rest of the system, the world, the nature. The cosmic goo, God, Allah, whatever name you want to give it, whatever form you want to smash it into, whatever guidelines you want to give it. It is real. There is a tug on that place inside that if I were but only to listen I would be calm. I would realize that things are as they are even if the why might escape me. Does it matter that one understands the why? Or is it just to be lived? I think and I have to continually throw myself towards my beliefs, as to ignore them and my surroundings is to nail my feet to the floor and try to run a race, and wonder why I loose. Someone might read this and be lost, that’s ok, it's for me to understand, and in that, I make no excuses for my sometime wandering words. (Hmmm, in that the excuse is!lol)

 - more snow..days remain.  -  reply
I sit in my overly sentimental pool of recollection, slowly thumbing through pages of memories, pages of thoughts. Things unsaid, more undone. Still subtle body quakes stir my aching soul. Or perhaps it is my aching back; I suppose one lends strength to the other at times. The body sometimes loosely tied to its inner energy. Sometimes emotions seem to pool in the soft spots bashed from deflecting others ill words and thoughts. I think it is funny, bash in one spot and from another wells some strange strength, strength to laugh at those that deal the un-thought words, perhaps their actions. Sometimes there is an ache, I wonder at its source, I deny the obvious answer. It can't be that simple can it? Perhaps it can. There is energy inside, sometimes it seems twisted - its movements wreak havoc in brief moments as the mind reels under the sudden weight. That weight. I think it grows stronger, weather or not I give it strength, weather or not I give it heed. Still my eyes twitch. Sometimes I raise hand to face to feel the silent liquid that streams down it, I feel it run inside. Run down my cheeks, my neck, I feel it in my nose. A sniff, and it is gone. If it only were that easy, there are things I choose not to think about, I stamp on their ugly heads as they try to burst through to my reality. There is only so long a person can do that. Everything wants attention, all the little weights along the distance sometimes become unbearable. I spent the day yesterday working on my car. There were moments were I felt like picking up the 25lb sledge and just pounding the crap out of it. Then what I would have is a broke car, and the loan company would try to wring non-existant money from me. And what would I have? A pile of junk. This all is whittling away at me, how much more of me can be whittled before nothing is left to hold me up? Does it matter? To some no. Well what do I have to say more, not much. One way or the other I will head out to ID Wednesday. Not sure what I will bring on this trip, probably only the needed things. Which reminds me, I need to rewrite my resume, so I look like a network tech. Christmas? Does not feel like it, has not felt like it in years. I want a damn job. I have wanted one. I still want one. It bothers me to no end that I don’t have the money to support even my son. Damn that pisses me off. Dejavu. What is it? I have it often now. Is that because I remember things better now than I used to be able to? Does it matter? Anyhow, that is my Merry X-Mas entry.

 - snow - a little  -  reply
It snowed!
Off to see the Christmas Carol Play at the Pabst Theater, quite excited to see it, should be fun :)
I am getting a little wierded out by the dejavu and other stuff that has been happening lately. I have to mention it. Just in case ya know. I think something will come of it, what I don't know yet. Usually won't know until after the fact.


 - already  -  reply
I wish it would snow already!
I stopped by my old apartment yesterday, the for rent sign is down, so I hoped they rented it out finally. Strange that they have not contacted me if they have. I will have to call tomorrow.. (useless personal pronouns)


 - hear?  -  reply
Do I hear from you? No. Just the swift back stab that is typical of such. Such as I have seen before. Show me my Satan, thank you. Laugh at my addiction. Blame it all on the rain. Sleepless nights are many, have long since been normal. Twisted interactions abound. Twisting around so few's fingers. Smoke my time away, without it what would I be! Introduce me to loss, show me what it is like, make it my reality. Cry on my shoulder even, laugh at me latter for letting you cry. Typical I realize. Typical of the empty masses, where one thing and the next really mean nothing.

Anyhow, me and LL and my parents are going to see the Christmas Carol this Wednesday. Should be fun, I am actually looking forward to it.

I am really looking forward to getting out of WI and seeing Lisa later this month. We want to go x-country skiing over new years in west Yellowstone...I can't wait! I can't wait to have her all to myself, to be able to spend real time with her, doing what we want. This year, and the past years have been hard on both of us, out of everything being hard, we met each other. And because of that, I regret nothing. It all has been a culmination towards this point I think. That is the point of us meeting. I am excited about building a new life with her in CO. Anxious yes. But excited nonetheless. I feel that our relationship has grown well despite the extra long distance part. I feel comfortable with her, in all ways. I could spill my most inner feelings and fears and she would tell me she understands. The amazing part? She does understand. She can take my words, pull out my true meaning, and show me part of her that parallels me. I have a weakness, she has a strength.

A certain night comes to mind, someone’s futon, the music - the soundtrack to Edward Scissor hands. The time was ours. It reminds me, the first, taste test, watermelon...


 - it is day  -  reply
I got my check for the domain today, yay! Still no word on the applicants for my apartment. Well it is saturday, monday I will bug them. ha!

 - is it - it is  -  reply
Is it morning or is it night, am I dreaming or am I awake. I sat up the past hours. Could not sleep. I think I am dreaming but I am awake. Unsteady as I go into today. I will wake I suppose and it will be dark again. It was dark when I fell asleep. It will be dark when I awake. Do I question this. This is an exercise. Triumph over what. Questions over what. Why. It is so hard. Is it worth it? Do we know? If we knew the answer, would we play the game? Perhaps but arrogantly. Is it that way for those who have religion and think they know the answer? So carry on to carry on. If not for me but for you. Rhythm me this rhythm me that. In the end impatience gets us all I suppose. Awake and wondering, does it take away from what I know from dreams? Do the two merge, intertwine? I will lay down now. Lay on my back, arms at my sides. Take deep breaths and let it all out. Focus on the rhythm of it all, hold it at a distance and ponder why I think what they want me to feel. Echo around in it awhile, read it line by line. Scoff. Snort Sneeze. Echo out would be nice. Trip on the jagged lines drawn in dark ink. Ink it is nonetheless. 1 is still 1. bla. Take a long framed look at me, fit it all in your comprehension, for gosh sakes if it does not fit, there is something wrong with you or me. What was that? I glint in your eye? That dull ache that is everywhere but really nowhere, that seems to suck the energy from a person. When one is young and stupid, should there not be some leeway for mistakes made? Until one learns better? Smile down on me those clouds that I sigh!

 - 11:11  -  reply
Left my friends house, started my car and it was 11:11, I don’t think much of that at first, but lately I have seen it allot. Why I don’t know. Is it just some weird thing that I am manifesting? Or programming myself to look at?or for? That and the dejavu lately. Or am I just paranoid? Or am I questioning myself to throw the suspicion on someone else?



 - Philip K. Dick  -  reply
I wish he was still alive.


 - saturnine  -  reply
Rain fell on Skagit Valley.

And it rained a fever. And it rained a silence. And it rained a sacrifice.
And it rained a miracle. And it rained sorceries and saturnine eyes of the totem.

Water spilled off the roofs and the rain hats.
It took on the colors of neon and head lamps.
It glistened on the claws of nighttime animals.

And it rained a screaming. And it rained a rawness.
And it rained a plasma. And it rained a disorder.

--Tom Robbins, Another Roadside Attraction


 - again  -  reply
Awake
sleep
day
repeat, blurr, squint, ponder, wait...watch things happen
awake...sigh


 - when people are strange...  -  reply
Tension runs through me, races along fingers tensed in attempt to keep fingers nails dug securely into the fabric of my teasing sanity.
I wonder what it looks like to my sanity, I wonder what it feels like - me gripping it so tightly.
My mind seems to know, I feel hints though.
Anxiety has returned, I have been without for years; recently it is back, an unwelcome passenger.

Today is a good day, or rather has happenings of what would make a good day. I finally sold the domain name commercecafe.com, they said they would be sending the check out today. We will see. I also have 3 people wanting to look at the apartment, I have yet to call them and setup times. Hmmm...still have yet to forward my mail, turn off the billing for my gas and electricity...


 - slightness, humanity  -  reply
The time appropriate. Again the dejavu (sp?) incidents have plauged me the past couple of days. Somthing.

 - wham - nothing  -  reply
The numb ers are in they are it fall ing smiles match empty wallets empty salt shake rs gentle ark gripped in sweating palm Though he wonders if there is any body out there Ha I cant think well the grind of noth ing has done got me down Pull your self up by the boot straps man Pull hard ly Dull roar builds nurons empty firing static fill s your Nicotine happy floutas build neat tacos spinning wheels grip air nicely If I had a tail I would be chasing it Oh wait spinn ing tails chasing Flames Wander beer caps Empty bottles stench wafting in my clean nostrils travels through the res Ache the breath that sometimes I take I am having a great lack of original creativity in my writing thought this exercise in futility would help as did I think the same of countless resumes that I have so eagerly spamed the Nation with Started in August I did started looking for work then Oh yes how I wish I could wish my Micron pen scratching on blank page Floutas sit on my shelf tacos they make Resume sits on same shelf silence I have met Over and Over Tight wrist pain in hand My demons are silent as of late As of late Ha like that has mean ing Back the pain Silent treatments are epoxy clear fasten me to your leg Suck me your life

Ha! Well that exercise in writing has not helped, thought it might clear my mind but nothing. Clouded.

Got a nice thoughtful card for my birthday from Lisa, which made my day :->
Peace, love to you Lisa

Well my weekend started a week or so ago, and has yet to end...my dad asked me how should one relax on the weekend when the whole week was a weekend?
I dont know what to say to that, I am doing my damndest to get a job... sanity is a state of mind
How am I supposed to inspire someone that is quite comfortable as they are... the nest perhaps is much too soft..perhaps.
I am tempted to scrape together what little money I have and just start driving till I run out. As I have about a nickel, that should not take long.lol. Catch 22, caught in the middle of the thick...each way I turn there is a lock with no apparent key.over and over again. I have to wonder if I am manifesting these locks..? This is the most stuck I have been since graduating... I think I should perhaps sell some of my household things for money, I hate borrowing.. Makes me ill thinking about doing that. If someone would just freaking rent my apartment before my deposit is used up.. No email back from the person that supposedly wanted to buy my commercecafe.com domain name, or from the one job prospect that I have had...

This is a wonderful headline I saw today, "U.S. Bleeds Jobs in November, Rate Cuts Seen"


 - 4/11  -  reply
Posted back awhile 4/11/2000, though again it can fit
"Streams of my thoughts scream, listen to yourself splash! Please taste when they come! Choke harder! Does it matter, for only a moment it is! Passing quickly with the next, dark settles on my mind, smiles radiate from everything. Quieted is life, leaving only the warm glow of paranoia. I sink my paddle thoughtfully through churning waters, watching the blue swirls swiftly envelop the task at hand. Coins lay in quietly shifting piles, watching me and my scattered reflection placidly glancing back. Steadying my mind on the task at hand, slight rain finds my waiting face. Fog twists its tendrils taking with the melting smoke drifting from my nostrils. Waves slight, clinking coins dancing in unison on the ceaseless surging. Tongue thick, mouth dry, face wet, slight breath from my mouth, I realize, I am alive."
I am lacking as of late inspiration that surrounded me when I was in CO.
ah yes...this news makes me smile.NOT
http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20011204/od/suicide_dc_1.html


 - Incredible Hulk day  -  reply
Tomorrow I will be 27, and for a few brief months will be tied in the age race with Lisa. 2 Of my friends will be turning 30 on Saturday...damn. Where do the months go? So I sit and jam to Pink Floyd - Learning To Fly, and think about too many things. I am stuck, spinning my wheels, I can't go forward, and I can't and don't want to go back.
I think of communication.
I think of the simple pleasures of sitting across from another human being and sharing in a good conversation.
There is something more there that cannot be relayed through typed text.
Ya know?
It's cold today, I wish it would snow soon, least before Christmas.
The one person I want to spend time with this weekend - I can't. The one person I want to wrap my arms around when I wake up in the morning - I can't. The person I want to eat dinner with, that I want to come home to...frustration is mine. I seem to have an endless supply. I keep telling myself, "Thats life, everyone has to deal with it", though somehow I doubt it. Damn I miss Lisa alot.
I love you Lisa


 - ditto! ditto! ditto! ditto!  -  reply
How can any price be placed on any person or persons? Or society? Or culture? How can our government talk about the 10 billion it will take to rebuild Afghanistan.....? Why does the global equalizer have to be money? How shity is that? Money? All conjured up from our western minds?

Something that has no real meaning, if people are real.
Real?
You want me to define that I suppose?
What am I 60?
My mom is nearly 50, she asked me if I was 60 tonight.
Perhaps I should re-phrase that, she asked me if I thought I was 60 or something..?!ha!


 - change of pace  -  reply
When cause and effect is understood, when the probable consequence of an action is known, and these things are undeniable, the point of such becomes dull. Action and reaction becomes mush, trying to mold to whatever comes down the pipe. There are moments when a person wants to kick and scream and break something, as if it might help, then the consequence laughs at you, eliminating even the satisfaction of thinking it through. So then you are left with a glass, and must decide as to weather it is half empty or half full, in reality it is neither. It is just a glass. It is just life. It is just a pipe.

It is nice to think about something greater, a soul perhaps, or something else to wrap the fingers of our mind in. Something not quite tangible, not quite real. Though enough hints exist to point to its possible existence. The possibility. The possibility of winning the lottery. Is it possibility or is it faith? Or is it faith that there is a possibility?

Well the people that were supposed to look at my apt never showed up. Nor did my landlord. The other person canceled.

I need a job, I WANT a job. Bad.

Whimper.whimper. Our soldiers are getting killed. Oh no. NO SHIT THEY ARE GETTING KILLED ITS CALLED WAR.


 - actuating simple pines even  -  reply
Simple lines connecting following minds

 - oem  -  reply
Ok, the guy interested in renting my place never showed, so I called him, he said that he had applied for an apartment that was owned by the same people that own mine, and was turned down. So darn.
I did not want to take out another add, but I guess I will have to.
I am "home" sick.


 - aahhhhhh?  -  reply
Sooo....

Are you sure you have all of your facts straight? Assuming before committing can get Sagittarius into a lot of trouble right now. Find a way to accept a loved one's flaws even if you can't bring yourself to celebrate them. After all, you aren't exactly perfect yourself now, are you? As the Moon slowly begins to move into a new Sign, the future-minded should understand that the here and now is all you'll ever really have. Make your plans accordingly.

There? Like I know what this means?ha!
That is my horoscope for today
What voice was that said in?
Or perhaps tense!

  re: aahhhhhh?  
^^2/2/2^^:)

 - tile this too  -  reply
tile this too

 - tile it  -  reply
tile it

 - perspec...  -  reply
Wine glass...from perspective

 - musack  -  reply
Music: Radiohead, Feels Like Spinning Plates
Music: 3 Doors Down, Down Poison
As long as I am not white trash. :)
Oh wait I eat Mac and Cheese...failed that test...
Friends? I have some...here and there, most make me wonder...make me poneder, thank God for them or I would never learn, I would have no one to show me what to improve, I would have no one to show me my faults. Thank you. Thank you for reflecting the obvious, I see in you at times what I despise in myself the most. Without this mirror of self I would be wandering through life blind. I can write what has happened in so many pages, hold those same pages in my hands, and in that encompass them, grow beyond them. History. Without it we remain stuck in the short loop. Come have a beer with me, tap bottles, laugh over empty news and the painted faces that show it. Still the rain falls, winter comes, days pass, I will wake up tomorrow regardless of what is said about me, or around me, or to me.
Perhaps tomorrow the sun will forget to come up, the moon will forget to rise, the tide will wonder where the shore went. Perhaps the sound of my feet still walking on will fade on deaf ears. The sound still fades, the sun still rises. People still hunt bears, I still like to backpack, my snowshoes are still mine, the snow is still mine to walk on, the air is still mine to breathe. Does that make some people choke? To think that the same air that was in my lungs is possibly wandering by you now? ha! :)
Music: Radiohead
No "geedog" bullshit music here.
And yes I still love you Lisa, and of course LL :)
Reply in bullet time, think hard make it right or fuel the fire
I think of the times I first smoked, do I thank the time or regret?

  re: musack  
I will have some cold ones in the mini-fridge when you get here! Or some coffee at least?

 - my life  -  reply
Yes after you finally call, after years. Finally you call, not to tell me how LL is doing in school, or weather or not I wanted him for the weekend, or how he is behaving in school, or how he is doing at home...you call to threaten me. Tell me what I post on the internet, and to tell me that I don’t have a right to miss my son...damn I know I have problems, at the moment, lots of problems, no job, no place to live...and you think I am actually a threat to taking LL from you. HA. I don’t care if you read this, I post this to clear my mind. I feel better already. Tension going away. Ah yes therapy. What a self-therpy. I sat there in my flat voice, crying at how pathetic I am at the movement and yet in all that I am still a threat in some strange way to the person that has primary care of my son? I have to feel afraid for him now. In my child support debt I still pose a threat to taking LL from her...somehow...?
Oh yes, and acting like it is a privilege for me to be able to take LL camping? hehah! Oh well! Life goes on, I still don’t I have a job, and I still don’t have a place to live? LOL!
Anyhow, brings to mind my parrot dream.
So to protect myself and to protect him I have to avoid the situation for now.
So the sick need for an argument has been fulfilled.
Nothing will change for me, I will still go from day to day, the same as I did before 11pm today. I will wake up, move to Colorado, buy a house, live a life, live my life and strive to be happy as I am.

  re: my life  
Bitter stars melt into acid rain.

 - numbers  -  reply
A guy by the name of Mike called about the apartment, interesting guy, seemed to "know" me and the area, though he said he never has been here before? Kept telling me that he had a limp and walked with a cane. He seemed to switch between "knowing" me and forgetting who he was talking to? Went on to ask me how old I was, then told me he was 38 and the 30s were the best time of his life and not to worry. Because when your 30 you know who you are and what you want. Well I think I know who I am and what I want already...! He asked if the landlords accepted rental assistance. I did not ask his phone number but told him I did not know. I called the landlords and they told me that they don’t accept rental assistance. When I hung up with them, the phone rang, I answered, there was only I dial tone. Time 3:34 Then I dialed *69 said the last call was at 3:11? So I dialed the number...It was Mike. He said "Hi L" before I said anything, then went on to apologize for calling me again? I told him that the landlords did not accept rental assistance. He said "That’s ok, I don’t want to live in Bay View anyhow."? Then he told me good luck in my travels to CO...! And God Bless. That was it.

3:35 A white van drove by. Stopped in front of my house.
3:40 The same van stopped behind my car.
3:55 The same white van stopped in from on my house. I cant see the person driving.


When you map a system of numbers patterns start to emerge.

http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20011126/sc/health_decisions_dc_1.html

  re: numbers  
FREAKY DUDE!!!

 - off-odd-yada-lepri-icons  -  reply
Music: Aphex Twin, Selected Ambient(?) Works
Good stuff...
I am feeling very off this evening...I think I must have eaten something bad today....ugh
Got quite the nice FPS game last night from a friend...called Ghost Recon. Been a looong time since I have been impressed by any game...or for that matter, played a single game long enough to be impressed by it.

Gah...why can't all browsers support standard CSS...! Something as simple as...dont repeat the damn background picture!!!!! IE 5 seems to work ok, as well as IE 5.5, but IE 6 it does not work right? Imagine...Netscape of course does not work right, even when I use their "how to do it" help file crap thing...


 - lar and stormy art  -  reply
This is a picture my dad took of L L looking towards the art museum and an approaching storm the first day the wings on the museum opened up.

This is a picture of my brothers new car...squashed. This happend recently, in the left of the picture is a book store I visit often, and it is where my brother looked down out of the window to see his car squashed. His thoughts, "Damn, thats bad luck for whoevers car that is" not realizing that it was his.

Yikes! I just realized how horrible my website looks on other peoples computers...doh. I also realize what a pain it is to work on my website from someone elses computer...

My stomach has been in knots all afternoon..wonder what it is....yuck.


 - cook  -  reply
I want to be a cook someday I think, either that or a motorcycle mechanic. Yes when I grow up I would like to be either. Or... How can one make money building robots? Real robots. That is a passion I have had since I was young. Ahhh....To be able to go to school for robotics. I suppose it will turn into something I should have done, like so many other things.

 - message from yesterday  -  reply
By an odd twist of fate...or something. I got a message on my voicemail. It was someone who has a cell phone, with my number on auto-dial or something. Or one touch dialing. Anyhow, the message that was left was an odd 3rd person view on visiting relatives, after not having seen them in awhile. Where is Rory? Ah the piano...strange how much was said in that unintentional phone call, odd that it happened.
L L was with his grandma. Thanksgiving seems as of late to be missing.

Miss you and love you Lisa from afar :)


 - encourage  -  reply
Had really really odd dreams last night, of people and places I have never seen or been to, things that have not happened yet, and I hope they dont happen to me. A large stone circle. Living outdoors. These are a few parts to the whole.

It is amazing the amount of time I spend making sure I dont sink to the negative. Trying, scratch that, staying positive, looking forward.

Looked up "North American Stonehenge"...as if I am going to PAY to see something like that. Like a person should have to pay? WTF. Commercializing everything. Can nothing just be? Is the time of being passing? Probably.

Music: Radiohead - Hunting Bears, like spinning plates

I will be there holding the pages to an unfinished book, holding unplanted seeds, planting ungrowable wheat. Polarizing the reflections from your eyes.


 - holy!  -  reply
http://www.sol.com.au/kor/kor_22.htm Ah yes!

To many patterns to see.


 - let me be  -  reply
800asa film. Good shoes. Anxious thoughts. No wind. Recall unfinished story, bare feet, warm day, storm coming. Grass. Sigh! It is like a memory placed on pause for an eternity. Or what seems to be. A short year nearly over, eons have passed on some time lines. For others it has been just a slight breeze. Tantamount. Idiots and big words mix nicely. Pretend to be me, let me pretend to be you, lets talk about what we think about. Talk in facts. Smile with our voices, become members of the Toy Institute. Shake our hands even. Scrape mud off of our boots, could we do that? I doubt it. Speak to me your mind in another’s language, it makes more sense. But let me tie my boots first, listen for the train whistle. The digital clock tick. Wait for the patterns to become organic again. The only thing anyone can be is what you let them be. Created patterns in logic avoid the reality of the organic. Organic patterns shaped in emotion defy logic. Speed my rhythm make it fit a logical pattern break my organic nature, break me. Coffee absence, makes jack a dull boy. Can you make a mold? Perhaps I can break it over your head for you. Simple enough, reality reacts poorly to such treatment. Sarcastic chortles echo dully in vacant echoing hallways, rooms and doorways. Run circles around me, faster now. Faster even still. Run until to huff and puff. And by god lift with your brain and not your back. Strut your stuff on the crispy white grass. Lest it crunch.

 - soon  -  reply
Soon I will say goodbye to my quiet street. This neighborhood, with its church on the corner, the bells on sunday. Those damn bells. The choir on sunday morning. Half-asleep it can almost be considered an emotional experience. The fog sticking to my hair. I control the heat in the whole house, the upstairs people are complaining that I keep it to low. You would think someone upstairs would be too hot? I have taken to walking the area around here. I walked by Hi-Fi Cafe up the street and heard Belly playing loudly, was refreshing not to hear some commercial bull shit. Sometimes I would like to throw my tv out the window, but it would be to expensive to do that. Sometimes I wish people would tell me how it is, instead of candy coating it and wasting my time. Ya know? Their are friends I have, that I wonder why they are? Or their purpose? I have been doing a little side work, still on that web project I started awhile back. They always have new things they want added. Features. Least they like it. I was walking to the store to get contact solution. By the time I got there they were closed. Good walk. Was nice and warm out. Walked by "Restaurant 1" they are hiring for a food delivery person. Hmmm. Some deliver stories, and bland patterns. While they wait for a tender morsel of information to float by their ears. I need some cheese please. Show me how to make it. Show me where to get it. Show me how to make the tools. And then show me how to break them, tell me what you told me was wrong. There are new tools. Then tell me that there are no tools. Tell me my mind is the ultimate reality. Pour in some processed cheese. Strength, where does one turn to for more? When no more can be bought with the almighty dollar. Money is the root of all evil. Here I go chasing someone’s tail again. To what avail? So yet again, I sit and listen to old WMSE shows. Mull my twitching leg, ponder my tapping finger. What makes them so? Hold me up by my shirt collar so you can get a better shot at my face. Here let me smile. I will let you pound it for awhile. Ha! You leave not a bruise. Do I need one, to show that I am just another target. Pull me up again, become my friend, isn’t that fun? What a game is played. Invent my next turn, wallow with me in my shallow tears. What if I gave up hope, what would happen? I would become my own worst enemy. Shallow picture frames hold evidence to years of doodling. It is all right. Twisted lines weave right. Reaction shows quick shallow could be negative. Wrought on years of learned tolerance. Traffic light race, slight loss, quick corner, brake check. Yikes! Slide back a bit. Run the curve, ha! I can go faster. Of course the straight I am lost. It was still good, my heart raced.

I love you too.

800asa film. Good shoes. Anxious thoughts.


 - to start or not to start  -  reply
Well now my starter has officially had it, car will not start anymore no matter what I do. Starter = $180. Income = 0. Well hell this is the week to be thankfull so I am thankfull that I have a car to have problems with...?

  re: to start or not to start  
In everything give thanks!!! Praying for ya Lawrence. All things work for our good.

 - army of me?  -  reply
Heard that in music I was listening to...appropriate I think. Well the person that I had that for sure wanted to rent my place has now called today and changed her mind?! damn. Time to take an add out in the newspaper again.
During this weekends woods excursion I managed to acquire poison ivy yet again. I think I could look at the stuff and get it....sucks. Saw quite a few meteors though, not as many as I thought, but still was cool to see. Stayed up until 5-6am or so watching. Did not take any pictures of them, they were to sporadic and spread out, seemed to come from every direction.
Went and saw "Harry Potter" yesterday, they did a good job on the movie, though I did read the books and they left out allot of things, (2:22!) was still good. The movie could probably be best set as a series..?
No calls yet as far as jobs go, I started following up with the resumes I sent out, no luck yet there either. Well I paid the rent this month so I at least have 2 weeks left here to look for work and look for a place to live in CO. I am getting impatient. I should say me and Lisa are both getting impatient, her more than me I think! Soon...is all I can say. Things have already started on their irreversible journey.

I have to say...I don't really like "Bjork" She is to ...Loopy...? for me? Least her voice, makes me cringe.


 - Leonid  -  reply
I am off with my brothers to watch the meteor shower tonight/early this morning 2-6am our time - should be about 800-4000 per hour! I hear that we will see about 2000 per hour here...WOW! Going to get some film for some long shots tonight. Damn I wish Lisa is here to go with!
I have been silent in my journal lately, mostly because my computer has been disconnected...my house is empty. Strange "living" there right now...the only thing I have is my bed, computer and a chair!?! LOL! Least it is clean and ready to rent out to some lucky person, anyone know of someone in Milwaukee that needs a large 1 bedroom apt, on a quiet street, with a yard, hardwood floors, huge living room?? Anyhow, we are taking a couple different cameras and trying to get some long exposure pictures...should rock.
Re: Martha Stewarts inability to bake a cake, sometime I will have to give you a lesson in bak(e)ing!HA! LOL :-> Oh yea, LL was the same weight, I ran accross a picture of him when he was first born, with his stats on it....I found the picture in an envelope, in the envelope box?odd. Oh yes here is a link to the meteor page http://science.nasa.gov/headlines/y2001/ast08nov_1.htm


 - anxious rain  -  reply
Thats about it

 - there it is  -  reply
Got most of my stuff packed - change is good - I suppose so
sometimes I just listen to the quiet silence - it is inviting
moments twisted vines support my experience - it all starts to clump together


 - create  -  reply
Straight lines reflect only owners’ propensity for bottled water, canned cards and even perhaps twitchy shows.

 - are you  -  reply
xenophobia - the fear of something strange
Because of - becomes one - and many


 - ha  -  reply
OSB- "I, too, have not chosen this life out of any personal consideration."

 - ok  -  reply
Sent out 11 resumes tonight alone...! Talk about spam. I think I have applied to every other place in Colorado at least twice. Ha.

Called Lisa, she was out walking, glad it is warm enough there to do that...oh wait...I went camping. Anything is possible anytime. Ha.


 - .wander.slide.  -  reply
Had fun this weekend, went camping in the freezing cold with LL, I do mean freezing. The temp got down to 33 both nights we were up north!!! We spent the time 4x4ing on all the trails we could find up there (NE of Shawano). Car made it ok, never got stuck, did not freeze to death, no aches or pains...so yes it was a good weekend. It was good for us to spend the entire weekend together, doing whatever, hiking and exploring. We were able to bring all the food we needed, so the only thing we had to buy was gas the entire 3 days! Saturday we saw an bald headed eagle...WAS AWESOME to see it in the wild, in its natural environment. Breathtaking. Of course by the time I fumbled around with my camera, trying to get a picture - it was gone. Kind of glad I did not get a picture. It is etched in my mind, mid flight, wild, free, white tail, hooked beak, white head, and awesome wingspan...seems to hold a special meaning to me for some reason. We saw it very early morning as the sun was coming up, while it was still and quiet. Later Saturday after wandering on some fire roads and other unmarked trails we happened upon a "mini" mountain/big rock hill. It was tall enough to be the highest point around after we climbed to the top, but short enough not to be seen from the main roads or trails. To get to it took some heavy 4x4ing through as LL calls it, "a mini pond", to which he took one look at and said that I should drive through it on my own and he would watch...LOL! Of course after he saw we would not get stuck he wanted to go through it! Kids! Shortly there after was some good bog mud and I let LL steer through it, mud flying everywhere, about halfway through he did not want to steer anymore cause "it was to hard"..never thought I would hear that! Took pictures of the neat "mini mountain" and the things we found there, will post sometime(?). Talked to Lisa Sat night, was good to talk to her, damn I miss her. The path I should take seems clear when I talk to her...thoughts in my mind fall into what feels to be there natural place...hard to explain..?! Will have to write more about my trip sometime from my paper journal, as well as other things. I had a...hmmm revolutionary/meaningful/thought provoking dream last night, first one in quite awhile(weeks?) It was as if I was seeing a situation/plot from many different perspectives at once, each was separate but I could tell how they all interacted. When I remember it, I realize that I can only think about one perspective at a time, but the others are there. Separate, but an inseparable part of the whole picture. I dreamed about Lisa's "Mom". I say "Mom" Because it was someone that just seemed to represent her Mom. I was in her Mom's house, and she was telling me that she had at the most a week to live. She wanted to go with me to meet my parents. She wanted to drive. So we got in her car, she was standing next to my door when I was trying to close it, and it wouldn’t close. I looked down and saw that her pinky toe was stuck in the door?! She apologized and told me that has happened before. Then I was seeing things from her perspective. Things were blurry and moving very quickly. She was driving crazily down a curvy road to the top of a hill where my parents lived. She was swerving all over the road, I could see myself gripping my seat for dear life. My perspective changed again to someone coming to Lisa's Moms house. The house was huge, built on stilts. The guy that answered the door seemed to know who I was, and put his arm around my shoulders and started talking to me about his weight training program. His face had very prominent features. Very memorably shaped. As I type this, I can picture exactly what he looks like. He guided me over to his weight machines which were very very tall (12ft?!) and was asking my questions about my routine, as if I had one. He then proceeded to show me what he was doing which looked very painful and asked me if it looked like he was doing it right?! The scene shifts to us arriving at my parents house. We started walking up to the house, and I realize that their house is also on stilts, and there was a little girl with black hair sitting out front, she was playing in the sand. She looked up as we approached, Lisa's Mom continued on inside as if she had met my parents already. I looked down to see what the little girl was building, it was a pyramid with this shape draw around it, looking down from the top. The little girl was not finished drawing it (with a pen in the sand) so I thought I should help her. She looked at me with a perplexed look, and as I was drawing it, my Dad came running out yelling to me that Lisa's Mom just died. He did not say it that way, but said it in such a matter that it was as if it were my Mom that died, or somehow from a different perspective than I thought I might hold in that situation. As I ran with him around the sidewalk to the "front" door, I realized that the sidewalk was in the same pattern as the pattern the little girl was drawing. I remember being perplexed by this, trying to figure out how we would end up at the front door running in the directions we were. Once in the house, the time frame seemed to change. There was a little room with a woman laying in it, very still. I don’t know who it was. Or why I saw what I did. My dad came to me and told me that the ambulance was on its way. I remembering thinking "why?". In the room was my old furniture, my old desk, and dresser. Which have been gone for years (5yrs?!) I walked with my dad to the living room, and into a scene that is hard to describe. There was a huge picture window looking out to the top of a roof to what I could see was a huge skyscraper. There were two huge, brightly colored parrots sitting on the edge of it. As I entered the room and saw them, one parrot dove off the roof and out of sight. The other which was the larger of the two parrots cocked its head towards me, and started screaming something at me, which I could not understand. It was very insistent on what it was saying, and flew directly at me and hit the window full force. At which point the people sitting in the room started clapping and cheering. I was horrified. I rushed over to the window to see the parrot regain flight and fly back towards me and the window screaming the same thing over and over, and at the last second swerved away.

Got mail on Friday, telling me to pay the rent by Tuesday or move out. A pink slip! LOL! Also got mail telling me that I dont qualify for unemployment. So what will I do? Accelerate my plans I suppose. Move all my stuff into a storage locker somewhere tomorrow, and stay with friends for awhile, until I have enough money to make it back out to CO. Hopefully a job will materalize soon. For as many jobs as I have applied for I can't believe that I have not had one positive response? I wonder...is there something wrong with my resume? Or are there just too many over qualified people applying for the same jobs?!? I looked through my email and I have sent out 22 copies of my resume. That does not include the copies I have sent while I was in CO, or the ones I have faxed(12apx?!). Damn. Regardless, you can see my resume here. Please if anyone knows of work I could do available in CO drop me an email.


 - all those  -  reply
I have a fixation on blurred lines. I think.


 - working  -  reply
The game. The plot. The theme. Twist it all on your fork.
Let it hang for a moment.
Watch it drip.
Look at the blurred lines.
The twisted colors.
Ponder your meaning.
Smile on your altar.
Stoop to bend broken knee at your imagined altar.
Lick your sneered lips.
Sniff your own stinking breath.
Taste your own salty emotion.
Drink tomorrows possibilities.
Wracking sobs shake your shoulders.
Tears miss your cheeks, falling from bowed head.
Feel the numb.
Perhaps it will watch over you.
Protect your ears from half-assed thoughts.
The sting on your cheek, transfers nicely to wet on your hand.
The reality is nice.
Timeline wandering on its own.
Solid voice, cemented in false emotion.
Cry for a time.
Watch in the third person.
Describe yourself to yourself.
Watch your shoulders shake.
Feel yourselves emotions pile on.
Make excuses to yourself.
Smash the equation between twitching fingertips.
Realize that because you can't see it, does not mean whatever it is that you can't see does'nt exist.
Think of spirit.
Think or emotion.
Watch them both in your mirror.
Is that really yourself?

Music: Queensryche - Jet City Woman


 - plot  -  reply
I see parts of the plot showing through, has it happend before?
Spent the day arguing to an unemployment interviewer...wonder how it will turn out? They say they will mail me a response. If I dont qualify for unemployment, then I shall clean out my house, store my belongings somewhere(?), move to CO and take any job I can find. Ahhhh! Why did I have to quit when I did?! Should have waited until I had a job in CO. Why am I even thinking about what I should have done? Not like I can change anything. Somehow I think that the events of Sept. are affecting me finding a job.(duh) I have figured out all sources of job postings in CO, and have followed them closely, applying for jobs as they are posted...to date I know I have applied for over 40 jobs since September. Hell I applied for 4 today...there are just to many people applying for work now. I wonder what else I can do in Colorado and make 55k+ per year?!?! (Taco Bell here I come?) Bla bla


 - back in  -  reply
I am back in Milwaukee...
Damn I miss Lisa...
After 6,000 miles of driving, I sleep alone in my own bed tonight...
In 2 weeks I have seen and heard many things...
love..
stars..
falling stars..
mountains..
driving..
pick..nick..tables (eh)
yea!
work.!
work?
love!
depth to love
stars
8pm rising moon + beneath star
aurora borialis..
12:45am - Iowa
Hitchhikers..
Pitbull.
fear.
anxious.
time
driven..
Colorado,
Idaho, (and back again!)
Wyoming,
Iowa,
(Mike, Molly and Shiba)
(the later being a pitbull)
Wisconsin!
Utah
Green falling stars with fire tails..
Crystal clear Wyoming skies..
Open mountain ranges..
Clean..
True love
Anxious times
Scrape!
Hold me in your arms
I can almost see you here
I can almost feel


 - little bear  -  reply
...

 - away from home  -  reply
Well I thought this week would see me back in Milwaukee...Well I wont be back till probably Tuesday next week at the earliest. Need time to recoup from driving, in the last week and half, I have driven 4,425 miles. And I have at least another 1,800 to go. Car is acting odd, the temp gauge wobbles around in the cold area while I am on the freeway, wonder what that means. I know I need an oil change for sure...it did overheat driving through Wy yesterday, there was a head wind of probably 30mph. that combined with mountain passes = problems. So here I be in Idaho again :)

 - slough bla  -  reply
Spent the day going to all the recruiting places in Longmont. No luck. At each place I asked the same questions, "What is the current job to applicant ratio for tech jobs relateing to the internet industry?". The answer? I sigh as I write this. Between 500-900 applicants for 1 opening. 500 to 1. Not to great of odds, but hey, its better than trying to win the lottery! Or getting hit by lightning, or getting anthrax. So hopefully I will have a job before any of the others come true. I applied for unemployment this week, the first time I have ever needed to do so. I sooo dislike relying on the government to support me...ugh. The thought makes me ill. Ah well life goes on. I wonder if they will pay my child support payments?! HA! I was an idiot when I agreed to a minimum payment of 400 per mo, regardless of what I was making. My lawyer was an idiot to let me do that... The long and short of it, I will go to technical school to get certified as a MCSD..hm. Paying for it? What? Its not free?! In the past 2 months I have sent out probably 100+ resumes to recruiting places and headhunters... Alright I will stop bitching.

It is hard to think with 3 kids going bonkers in the background..not to mention hard to think, oh yea and hard to think. I think I am just spoiled, living alone to long!

Found a new source of jobs, going to rewrite my cover letter tonight and start faxing away! Found 14 or so possible jobs, not really what I want to do, but hey!

  re: slough bla  
Just wanted to let you know that I'm with you there. Unemployment is lousy, although I'm really enjoying it now.. I've started writing more than ever, having more fun, it's great. But I don't think I have the same obligations you do... living alone is.. nice.. very nice. My first problem wasn't money.. it was more of an identity crisis, I had wrapped myself up in being what I did for a living, that I felt worthless without that identity. I'm way over that now, just having fun. Heh.

 - small talk  -  reply
Small talk is the thing of life?!Ha!
Sometimes the air is thick with it
all the floating smiles
each caressing globules of their jazz
then without so much as a conscious thought
spewing them out into the worlds of innocent bystanders

Last night, went for a drive up 7 through the mountains, stopped at a rest stop to draw and write a little. Was there for an hour or so, just until it was getting dark. Got in my car, tried to start it...nothing. The battery was fine, the starter is dead. Just what I need, to spend time and money on a new starter. Of course I was a good 11 miles from the nearest town, and 7 being a mountain road, not many people drive on it at night. Sooo I walked the miles to Lyons to call a friend to give me a jump start(10:45pm) as at this time I did not know it was my starter. By the time all was said and done I got back at 12midnight. Yuck!
Getting ready to go get a job.....if it were only that easy!


 - times  -  reply
Been away from Lisa for only a couple of days, already feels like a month. Wish I had stayed in ID until saturday morning, would have made much more sense..? I enjoyed meeting her family and finally being able to see what her "world" is like. I will visit her again before I return to Wisconsin...

Spent this morning looking at the classifieds, for the Denver paper there were only about a half page of jobs listed. Ah well, I will apply for unemployment...will be needing it. I am sure I will have some luck tomorrow after I talk to a recruiter or two.

I got into Longmont last night late, as I pulled into my friends house, my car passed the 100,000 miles mark... I thought I wanted to go hiking or camping, but it was to dang cold. Not only that, but my inspiration for hiking was zero. ...the times of me enjoying being alone for long periods of time has long since passed...
I Love you Lisa :)


 - with  -  reply


 - hmmm  -  reply
where'd you put that blueprint, hal? this don't look right

 - fryday or  -  reply
Well I finished my car this week. No responses to any of my resumes I sent out. No calls from people wanting to rent my place. This week was long...in the same respect, it seemed to fly by. What do I say anymore? It all gets turned back around and pointed at me. Things that seem to be are really not, things that are really not seem to be. Truth around me in any defineable terms does not really exist. Yea! I have transportation now anyhow, this weekend I will go on a short trip, test the car out, make sure there are no major problems, before I head accross the country. I think I am going to take the north route, go down through Montana to Idaho, then back over to Colorado a couple days after that. I think I will only spend money on gas. Hopefully it stays cheap. I will pay next months rent soon, least I will have a place to come back to if the job does not materialize in Colorado while I am there. Good thing that I have had a side job this week, keep me with money till probably early next month, at which point...hmmm. Odd thinking ahead to next month and not know how things will be? Where will I work? Where will I be living? Sigh...it will work out, I have put in the work thats needed, time is just hard to wait for...

I love you Lisa, hopefully I will see you soon! :)

Music: Pixies, DJ Shadow, Juno Reactor


 - ah yes...  -  reply
http://www.ishmael.com

 - attack  - 
reply
I wish I knew when I was going to move, or where I will be working next...I think I am going to apply for unemployment, it will be the first time I have had to do that. I have always had a job since high-school. I could wait longer to apply, but don't want to wait till I have no money!

The following is a quote about our attacks in Afghanistan
"The message appears to be 'see how great our toys are, watch them smash things to smithereens' -- it seems we have learned nothing in 10 years," the Western analyst said.


 - can you  -  reply
Can you fake your reflection?
Do you watch those same promises?


 - icy cold  -  reply
I remembered more from my dream last night, I was with LL and my ex at a mall, rather I was not "with" them, but walking near them, though they knew I was there with them. We went to a hair salon for some reason, and I sat waiting for something. Then as I was sitting there, people from the church I used to go to were lining up, and walking past me, smiling looking down on me. At this point I realized I was laying down for some reason..damn...something just occurred to me, makes me feel icy cold...it was as if they were paying their last respects to me...as after they had all walked by I was moving backwards down what I thought was a road tunnle in a mountain...going to think about this more and see if I can remember more...

 - what if  -  reply
Surge
swell
ebb
Dreamed that I was stuck in almost hard cement, I think it was the new cement that was poured recently at the new art museum expansion. There was a man standing there watching me, cheering me on, telling me that I could make it. It took every single last bit of effort on my part to free myself of the cement but once I was free, the cement that was on me still quickly cracked off and I was free and clean.
Damn...I miss you Lisa, soon we will be.
Music: The Cult - True Believers

  re: what if  
Free and Clean are the key words there Lawrence. Breaking free!

 - frustration  -  reply
I am awake, it feels like it is to early, yet here I am, I can't sleep. Laid awake in bed for a couple of hours...no point in trying to sleep.

 - renting...  -  reply
Well today I happened across someone’s journal that was looking to rent where I live. Now wouldn’t that be nice if things worked out that easily?!
Still have not heard anything from Colorado, though I suppose it only has been 2 days! And not that my differentials are finished yet...early part of this week they said..HA! I want to head out to Colorado soon...with or without a job interview.
Music: (i think it is called) Black Cult Motorcycle Club, but I could be wrong, I think it is good regardless...also "The whorelocks" (sp?)
oh yea "gus gus"..
and "utah saints"ya!
I have been going through old wmse archives and listening to the thursday night "Jules" show, alternative...usually has good stuff...
Not having a job is so rough..ha!


 - here  -  reply
Sent out more copies of my resume, called a couple places and left messages. No email, phone calls yet. I wish it was as easy to get a job now as it was a year and a half ago dang it...
Had a dream the other night that I was feeding sharks, I was in a friends house and they had a huge shark tank in the floor, it even ran up the wall a couple feet. The floor was glass and you could see the sharks and other fish swimming around under your feet.
I feel so odd not having a job...kind of in limbo.
"I laugh until my head comes off.."
Musiack: Radiohead, Kid A - how to disappear completely


 - apply today for your free?  -  reply
Well I applied for every single job in Colorado that I could find, it did not even matter "where" as long as it was in Colorado. I also submited my resume to about 5+ jobs sites, so hopfully something will turn up soon! I redid my resume again, even made a nifty online version. If you are interested in it please email me and I will provide you with the link. I think there are just to many odd people online to just stick it up for the world to see. Other than that, I am waiting for my differentials to be finished, the shop said early this week, and I have been just about sitting on my hands to stop from calling and pestering them. I have no intrest from anyone in renting my current place from me, and I also have noticed a surge in the amount of places to rent around here. Which worries me. But, I have not given up hope. So if you happen to be looking for a place to rent in Milwaukee let me know! ha!

 - night..  -  reply
behind unfeeling keys
shaded eyes
silent hours that pass as minuets
mere time
words as words hold no emotion
perhaps a label
the meaning is lost
the connection absent
composure is all that remains
supposed times supposed moments
what was really had?
the letters dance in your eyes
the imagination wild with tomorrow
tounges dry with anticipation


 - well ya know...  -  reply
Ok, so, like there is no life out there eh? Where would one go about finding a new planet to fill with terrorists, and all other forms of pointless hate?
http://www.spaceref.com/news/viewpr.html?pid=6161
http://www.spacedaily.com/news/leonid-01a.html


 - truth.  -  reply
Must read...10/4

 - matrix?  -  reply
The only way to describe one of my dreams last night is to say, "Never seen before matrix footage!". I had a close up view of someones head, I was watching the exact process that happened when a person was added to the "matrix". Quite horrific, I was told that 1 in 10 survive the process as it is so traumatic to the human that is being processed. So I guess I could safely say what I had was a nightmare. I dont even know where what I saw in my dream came from, I have never seen anything like it before.

 - quote  -  reply
"reality denied comes back to haunt"
I just realized that a story I read years ago, it was a story about a man that discovered he was a robot, and that he had a "tape" in his chest that ran his computer, on that tape his reality was contained. He was curious, so he started poking holes in the tape, and making new patterns. As he did this, his reality started to change. He added holes and a flock of ducks flew through his room. He erased some dots, and it was night. I dont recall the exact details of the story, but I do remember the end result being that he finally wondered if he removed the tape/program from his computer if reality would cease to exist. So he removed the tape, and reality faded away. Nothing was left. Does that mean that he constructed his reality? How could he unknowingly be creator and programer of his reality? This story was in a book of other short stories, which brings to my mind some others I have read from the same book. There was another story in which there were people on a mission to discover "god"s true name. They traveled far and wide, and their journey led them to a isolated monastary in remote mountains. It had been said that if the name of "god" was known and was uttered, if it could be, would bring an end to the world and reality as they knew it. They of course not believing this, discovered "god"s true name and looked to the sky one night, and spoke it. As the words left their mouths, they looked to the stars and watched them slowly start to blink out, as if someone was turning them off slowly one by one. In a panic they jumped on their horses and started to ride in efforts to escape the supposed impending doom. They could see a darkness darker than black approaching them, the sky was nearly black, behind them they could see nothing. The last star winked out, leaving them in complete darkness. Their riding in panic was for nothing, what was happening would happen, the inevitable was untied. The strings holding everything together were gone. Nothing could exist as the world had discovered its meaning and in so doing that eliminated the need for self.

10/12
509
209
14
92
86 12/6?
http://www.esotericarchives.com/agrippa/home.htm
http://www.ocaiw.com/sanso.htm
http://www.artnet.com/magazine/features/fineman/fineman10-15-96.asp
http://www.filmsite.org/birt.html
http://www.cs.bell-labs.com/who/dmr/crypt.html


 - 422nd entry  -  reply
Well I did not plan that to happen today, but hey. Today is 10/4. A jet was blown up over the Black Sea. What will be next? Chaos, is a hard thing to predict. http://www.go2net.com/headlines/general/20011004/369473.html
They say it might have been an accident, how does one accidently blow up an airplane?

I got my transmission back in my car...took me by myself all of about 30min to put it in. I suppose the 4th time is the charm?! The differentials were dropped off this morning, and if I am lucky they will be done tonight/tomorrow night. Then the car will be done. Not that I have minded riding my bike to work for the past couple of weeks. Wish I had been doing that the whole summer would have saved a bunch of money by doing that. 7.50 a week on parking, 12 in gas, so that is 19.50 a week I could have saved or about 80 a month. Sooo this summer I could have saved around 400 by riding my bike to work...! I can't even believe I used to pay 3.75 a day for parking!?

Me and Lisa have been having some good discussions lately, it is awesome to have someone to share anything I am thinking with and not be judged or told that I am crazy or something!lol! Love you Lisa:)

Anyhow, I found some side work here in Milwaukee to tide me over while I settle things out in CO. I am also going to start the plan of action with LL. It means doing something that I am going to hate doing, simply for the fact of the effects it could have on people. I am going to prove without a shadow of a doubt that he should live with me to the proper authorities. Even if it means an investigation. This plan might blow up in my face, but so be it, it needs to be done. The evidence I have collected over the past couple of years will be more than enough I hope. But then who knows, the authorities could laugh in my face, as he should of course live with his mother..! LOL! Twisted as government polices are when it comes to children. Though I do have plenty of character witnesses. But the court system scares me. I really wish it did not have to be this way. But what other choice do I have? I know she will fight it even if it better for him to be with me, hell she will fight it just to fight it!


 - none!  -  reply
none, would be the amount of work I have today...I could think of a hundred things I would/could do instead of sitting here. But then, money is money eh!?
I tried writing a story, I tried to finish a story...I just plain old wish I was not here! Someone please give me something new to read...or some work, or a new job. hah!
Well I spent the day screwing up my website...in efforts to make it more simple..easy to use..bla bla..ya. Still do not like the format of things...
10/4 tomorrow, what will it bring?


 - think back  -  reply
something I stumbled accross that I wrote awhile ago...
I started looking back through my journal reading old dreams and "dejavu" experiences I have had. I realized something, before the last major event, I experienced dejavu(is that how it is spelled?!) at increasingly regular intervals. I also remember that the day before was an extremely good day. Well I am just trying to find a pattern, perhaps where none exists...? This journal entry makes me wonder also...
Perhaps this is the continuing result of my curiosity with "422"(date)? Reading it again makes me wonder more... I stumbled accross this entry, and the other ones I mentioned today while working on a search for this site.
Well I think this is becoming true...?eh?!
Still scares me...remembering this dream
shrooms...!
Nostradamus
As I read this I am remembering what it was that I saw, I was standing on Michigan St. looking west, it was raining, there was a van coming. Thats all I remember.
Sawtooth peak story
Crossbow story...yikes
wildbable


 - ware ...where?  -  reply
Oh yea this is just plain old dumb, policeware? ON MY computer NOT going to happen!!
http://www.stoppoliceware.org
This is just plain stupid. I am sure "they" have justified this bill with some general "market" research, that shows if every PC in the US has this crap on it, a certain percentage of "terror(ism)" can be stopped. Whatever.
Please sign or let me know if this is a fraud. I can see some pretty twisted rational used to get this approved.
Hey wait, why not just plant a chip in my head that will tell the "government" if I am doing something "wrong"?!


 - news  -  reply
good source of news links... http://www.artbell.com/quicknews.html

 - ill  -  reply
What to believe? This information makes me feel ill.. http://www.laweekly.com/ink/01/45/9-11-lewis.shtml
I have had a staggering migraine, and now it only worsens. What does one believe if our own media publishes and creates utter and total crap? The word marketing makes me sick, yet here I am working in a law firm. In the marketing department. How twisted is that! LOL! I suppose we either laugh or cry. I just want to buy a cabin in the mountains and hide. But as I have said before, then I am being an escapist. We can't live without our media, I fear for my son growing up being absolutely permeated with media, his mind being ingrained with behaviors that will enable him to make the right choice and buy food from mcd...that is least of it. I dont want the radio to pump this crap in my head, the news paper to feed me a pasteurized version of "news", the tv to wash my face with utter and complete marketing BS... Everything seems to be more and more polluted, how does one tell what is real...sigh
Here is a start: http://www.snopes.com
Oh great, now that I read that site I am even more confused, and lost! LOL! I think I will just smoke pt till I turn green and hike the world till my feet fall off! sigh... /grin/

peace and love to you Lisa :)

  re: ill  
Well, perhaps the antichrist is not a person afterall, perhaps it is what we have come to know as the MEDIA???

 - the aether  -  reply
what happens, happens inside and outside simultaneously.
  re: the aether  
in fact *all* things happen simultaneously everywhere. what limits our perception thereof is our limited perspective. imagine if we could percieve all things as they happen. i think we would short circuit and die. thus the passage, "...no man hath seen God at any time..." hmmm.
  re: the aether  
would this be a design for the band? quite cool!
  re: the aether  
yep yep and thanks -- it's funny that people have agreed on this name, but don't fathom its meaning. aetherconscious....possible interpretation: the mind of god.

 - picture peace  -  reply
inspired by a lack of inspiration

 - frustration...  -  reply
What a wonderful way to start off the week...I keep catching myself in these catch 22 situations. I seem to be getting better and better at it. The only thing I am able to do does not help my situation, the places that need to contact me to enabled me to better my situation can't contact me. blah! I will stop complaining now...!

Instead I will tell a story, about a person I met.

The name is Frank. Frank exists in his own mind on many different levels or layers. Each layer linked to the others by intricate laces of circumstance, half-truths, self-realizations, emotions and actions which usually have the effect of creating one or more of the previously named laces. I will attempt to describe those levels and perhaps if I can fathom it some of the laces. These layers exist simultaneously on the same plane, there is not any physical separation between any of them. There is a layer that exists to diagnose problems realized by the conscious layer. There is the conscious layer which handles most of the real-world interaction. By saying real-world, I mean the world that can be seen, heard, felt, tasted...ect. There is an emotional layer that at times seems to have a direct link to the layer that handles real-world interaction. The emotional layer in itself consists of many sub-layers. These layers are constantly in a state of change, growing, morphing. There is the logical layer, the layer that most emotional responses are filtered through. The logical layer is managed by the belief or social structure layer. In this layer things like belief in a god or supreme being exist. There is a memory layer, to which all others have direct access to bypassing all other layers. The memory layer is multidimensional and can store any combination of things that may exist in any of the other layers at any/many/all points through its existence. The aspect of "forgetting" in this respect does not exist. Rather forgetting how to remember happens. The information is there but the links to the information are apparently not well managed. Or the layer that is supposed to manage memory and the act of remembering does not exist, is damaged, or (Ironically.. as I type this I forgot what I was typing) (ah yes) is not fully developed, or is somehow short circuited in a loop with itself. The mechanism for transferring the thought "I know I read this book, but what is it about?" never reaches completion. Which brings the layer that might manage attention span to light. Attention span. I suppose if one could not remember what one was doing only a second ago, one would have a very short attention span. The concentration layer, I would imagine that the previous two mentioned layers are sort of management layers. As I type this, I can see in my minds eye a sort of 3 dimensional diagram of what I am describing. I can also see things that don’t appear right. How I know what they look like, or how I know that something is not right escapes me. Perhaps a better way to think of this would be layer classes. Or layer groups. Each group can contain many sub-groups, and the primary groups once realized, spawn bigger containing groups. For some, the groups as they exist are satisfactory, and since they are satisfactory the want to discover there existence or realize what they are never materializes. It works so why ask why? Of course "why not" being the obvious answer and the questions become circular until the greater questions are realized. Is the capacity of human consciousness infinite? Does the human consciousness exist because of the human mind? Are they separable? If they are separable, does the separate conscious retain the same aspects that were present when that consciousness leaves the occupied human mind? Does the human mind only exist as an infinite tool to allow the consciousness to interact with the created and perceived world? Are we as humans trained to form a fear of the unknown at a basic level and thus a fear of what can be done with the other 95% of our human mind that goes relatively unused? An organic computer with access to tools that it does not even recognize. Or if recognized the ingrained training from younger years serves to act as a barrier between those tools and being able to use them. Layers. Groups. Laces. Or is the human mind nothing more than an infinitely adaptable organic equation with the ability to re-write that same equation? Perhaps not even realizing that it is re-writing that equation, itself. It is to be and not to be at the same time. To be one or the other is to say that the other is not possible. As how can one be two things at once? It is very possible though the thought of it conjures a wonderful headache in me. It suddenly occurs to me, that to be two things at once, one needs to exist a moment in the future, and a moment in the past as linear time is concerned. Then being without being becomes possible. Would it be time travel? No. It would simply be realizing and accepting that linear time as we think of things in the real world does not truly exist. Only our moment in time exists. To exist in two moments one could rewrite, without knowing, ones past. The only thing perhaps remaining would be an imprint of knowledge without knowing the source. The source being yourself a moment ahead in linear time. If this were realized then I would think that things would start to snowball in the linear time line. Total chaos might be introduced if the person involved was not sufficiently steeled to the effects that might be seen. Fear probably being the one of the main learned traits that must be done away with for a person realizing and practicing being without being to not fall inwards on themselves and destroy there selves with instantaneous circular questioning and simultaneously knowing the answer.

  re: frustration...  
Frankly Frank, you made my thinly layered subconcious mind hurt a little with that one! But yes, I understand what you're saying anyhow!:)
  re: frustration...  
ahh yes. the binary equation of existence. to be is not to be, that is the answer. and i'll tell you, fear is the reaction to finding a truth. because dammit all, us people are much happier with our illusions. we would rather have the comfort of a system that harbors static rules, than one in which we may bend, break, or make the rules ourselves. that would mean we are in control of our own existence! and we can't have that -- not us poor, pitiful, unknowledgable beings. bleet with me will ya?
  re: frustration...  
Let us as sheep work blindly the machine that in the end will slaughter us, either with self-created vices, or total and absolute dissalution of our human will.

 - splash down ramble  -  reply
Weekend glad, weekend "dad". Weekday sad, so simple. So what? The circle chases me through the years, through the days. Rhythm now and again escapes me. We all belong. We all w(a/o)nder why we practice the performances that escape us. Performances only seen by mirrored times. Sly the fly my by. By all common sense, whats that? Succumb to my affliction, let me create one for you, let me fashion of it with feelings, and other intangibles. Sand trickles twix twitching fingers. Squeeze my minds eye in your hand. Ha! Make me pop. Just that, still tomorrow is there, perhaps not tomorrow for all the linear line, what matter does it make? Frozen mid-blink, tear crystalline mid journey, sob caught thick in throat utters only silence. Time frozen, seen from the side, run across my hands. What is there to look forward to? The night, the silence, the sleep. Point, non-point. Fleshy smiles in all 6 grow on flowing plants. Hands skim the wreathing peoples outstretched hands, people, they can hardly be called that. Apparitions, I fear sleep, what will it show me next? Twinge of memories lost trail. Clinging to places un-known wrung to reality by sleeps steady hand. Dream

 - it is mine  -  reply
I wish I could easily portray the emotions I feel at the moment...somehow relay them to this printed/typed word efficiently. I have been told I am cold-hearted. Am I? I suppose sometimes I am. What else am I supposed to do, let every little problem in life get to me? Take everything everyone says personally? No thanks. It is a protection mechanism I guess. Sometimes the thought of escape crosses my mind. Then automatically guilt follows. How well have I been trained?!
There are times where I feel emotions and confusion well up, and I wonder at what point will they build up to the point of breaking? Will it hurt? What will happen? Will I have a nervous break down? What is a nervous break down?
I don’t think the current solution with LL living with his mom is really working out. What can I do? Zilch. I get to watch people that have been part of the history screw-up continue on as if there is no tomorrow. They pretend that things are ok and that they don’t have to face them selves and still not realizing that it is and has been time to let go. What’s the point of putting all your bad past things in a bag and putting a big sign on it and dragging it around showing it to everyone? It all comes down to being afraid of facing the truth that they were and are wrong, and continue on their merry little way being wrong. Thusly dragging others with them, like LL. (picture me walking in circles asking why over and over) Then there are the people involved that deny to them selves and to everyone else that the history is the way it is becuase of them.
Money. I usually don't have a problem making it. I don’t give money any more thought other than it is a necessary evil. If money goes away, I know someday I will have it again. At this point though, I am wondering if I will be able to find a job anywhere in the industry I am in - making money.


 - moment  -  reply
So the solution might be, to be and to not be at the same moment
Simply put, exist and realize that all that was is, and the concious memory of it all only escapes a person that conciously tries to make it fit what they believe is truth. The moment that contains in itself a shadow of what was and is and could be, though to look directly at it is to not see it, one must observe the effects and accept that there are things known that are not conciously precieved and cannot be actively remembered.
Realize that linear time only exists in the concious mind
How can all be known?


 - fragments...  -  reply
I am in the midst of a story. I am the author. I am the editor. The plot however is defined in part by what I think, and the characters I have participate in the story, which eliminates my ability to maintain an outline or grasp any predictability. Ah! Well then I should just go with the flow! That is even more of an interesting statement. Going with the flow, in going with the flow, a person becomes the creator of the flow, becoming author and character. A character in the story follows the outlined flow, only to find that as it is followed, it changes as if it is a living thing. The flow throws into the mix new characters, as if by a whim, or perhaps as if even guided by a greater force. If the greater force exists in everyone, and we can effect that force, and that force is part of the outline, and going with the flow is the supposed right thing, but going with the flow seems to contradict reality, then what is left to follow? Does one follow what he/she believes to be true? Then it is true that the definition of truth can and does change.
When we are young, everything is new. We latch on to something(s) perhaps a music type that strikes our fancy and follow it. We create relationships with that type of music and associate them with feelings, places, and actions; even if it is not done consciously it does happen. All under the possible premise that it is new and it seems to speak to us. Later in life we realize that it was only new at the time because of our age and lack of experience. Being young was our only protection from the reality that what was experienced is not really new. It was new to the person experiencing it only. Having a very limited view of the world, we try to fit everything else into that narrow view. We then get confused along the way because things don’t seem to fit well. And then we age (hopefully well). We start seeing the same patterns in friends and family, seeing the same music cycle back into the mainstream, clothes style, and general beliefs. What happens when a person recognizes that everything fits into broad general patterns? What happens when a person lives in contradiction with him/her self? Can the world that exists in our mind continue functioning and interpreting correctly what happens in everyday life?


 - questions? who I am? Yikes  -  reply
1. Liberal Protestant (100%)
2. Liberal Quaker (100%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (96%)
4. New Age (87%)
5. Neo-Paganism (80%)
6. Bahá'í (79%)
7. New Thought (78%)
8. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (76%)
9. Sikhism (74%)
10. Mahayana Buddhism (72%)
11. Orthodox Quaker (72%)
12. Theravada Buddhism (64%)
13. Scientology (63%)
14. Latter-day Saint (Mormon) (61%)
15. Reform Judaism (60%)
16. Conservative Protestant (57%)
17. Jehovah's Witness (54%)
18. Hinduism (53%)
19. Taoism (51%)
20. Secular Humanism (49%)
21. Jainism (47%)
22. Orthodox Judaism (47%)
23. Seventh Day Adventist (41%)
24. Eastern Orthodox (36%)
25. Islam (36%)
26. Roman Catholic (36%)
27. Atheism and Agnosticism (24%)
ha!
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html

  re: questions? who I am? Yikes  
the test said i was 100% Christian Scientist --> i can live with that.

 - be done  -  reply
Parts should have been here today, and they are not, which means I can't work on things till next week. Which complicates everything. I have one week remaining at work. Hmm.

 - streak! (wait you cant see that)  -  reply
Similarly equipped possible demigods strut anxiously across waters that change on the whims of sometimes-tender feet’s owners. Eyes bend questions painted in obscurity, magnified by watchers supposed clarity. Words wrapped in cloths soaked in oil squeezed from those same trotting feet. Slipping suddenly their wringing hands grab for the edge of that water. Silly men!

Lisa is actually going back sunday...sigh. I am glad that she was able to be here for these 2 weeks...sad to see her go. But we will be in CO soon, together.

I called the IRS today, they screwed up. Imagine that! I suddenly dont owe them a single dime, THEY OWE ME! HA!:)


 - wrong  -  reply
9/9/2001 - Talked of what it would take for the US to head into an a police state.
To control terrorism of course.
I am just plain old worried.
Talked about our society as a whole, and likened our current society to the first attempts at air flight. We have built wings and glued feathers to them, then jumped off the biggest cliff we could find. For 200 years thinking that we were flying we flapped happily about as we fell. Then the wings started to fall off. The events last week seem to have all but tore the wings off. All those people. I read that there were about 50,000 people killed in Vietnam. The number killed last Tuesday is 10% of that. All in a single hour. A single moment.
The effects? Do the effects satisfy the terrorists? Or is it only the beginning of something bigger? How can Afghanistan argue with the US? What do they have that gives them the confidence that a all-out ground war would actually be beneficial to them or anyone involved? We in the US think the people that did this must pay. Will there be a single person, or group of people that the blame can be laid on? Is killing them a real answer? There will be more terrorists. Is there really supposed to be a real answer, or a right answer? I don’t really think so. Is all that is happening prophetic in some way? Many people have talked to me about what they read of Nostradamus(sp). Does any part of his writing match? How can it not? The Bible, scriptures abound that can fit the events that took place. Is God returning? Or is he here, and always been here? What reasoning can explain and/or justify the events that took place? Can a sufficiently twisted mind be reasoned with? Does reason even exist to such a person? We live in our little bubble here in the states. Or at least we thought we did. I realize how ignorant I was of events that took place in the past in Afghanistan and over seas. What part does all this play in the on-going battle between Israel and Palestine?
If the events last week represent (in the eyes of the all knowing) the best case scenario, what was supposed to happen?
After last week I think the only way that airlines will survive is through government funding. This means of course government control. The only way to truly head off terrorism is a police state. Will things get that far? I hope not. The extreme loss of life and the masses of people that lost their jobs as a result just boggles my mind. I have read that there have been 51,000 job losses so far, that is only the airline industry.
In the midst of this I quit my job, choose to move to Colorado, depending on the fact that there would be cheap convenient air travel. This of course for all practical purposes does not exist anymore. I am trying to secure a job in an already tight market, which is tightening even more. I did not really know what would happen next month or the next, and now I really have no clue...
Then there is the media. The government can't really give them any real information, for to do that would be to endanger the safety of our soldiers and government officials.
What is my knee jerk reaction to everything? Well I don't want to join the army/navy. I don't want to fight. As I watch the stock markets fall. My thoughts and feelings are and have been to move to Colorado. Why? A deep seated urgency is in me...and has been.
The effect of last weeks events on me is somewhat perplexing as I did not loose anyone I knew, still the feeling of loss is there. I think most things we have and will loose from the those events remain to be seen.

Dates really are arbitrary... 9/9/2001
9/11/2001
9/22/2001
10/4/2001(422?)

  re: wrong  
what is really scarry is to think that the same government that screwed up your 99 taxes is the same government that wants to protect us by turning the USA into a police state...imagine how many innocents will be hounded and spied on and jailed!...not to mention house arrests and swat team action on the wrong house/cell because you were babysitting a neigbors pet that looked just like the on belonging to the....
  re: wrong  
An interesting read, regarding the ability to reason with extremests. Here's an interview with Osoma Bin Laden.. he even calls for a Jihad, here's the quote If the instigation for jihad against the Jews and the Americans, in order to liberate Al-Aksa Mosque, and the Holy Ka’aba, is considered a crime, let history be a witness that I am a criminal. http://abcnews.go.com/sections/world/DailyNews/transcript_binladen1_990110.html

 - blu am  -  reply
Laid in bed last night, radio in hand slowly turning accross the am band...what do I happen to hear? "...the great city fell....and they sprinkled dust on their heads...." I would not have known what that ment, or where it was from if my friend D had not stopped over last night and quoted those same words to me. Revelations 18:19 I think he said it was from. I tried to tune in the station, but could not, those were the last words I heard before I finally gave up and fell asleep...
  re: blu am  
Yeah, that quote is in reference to Babylon, which was the greatest society up until that time.. I think we would be the current day Babylon.

 - ha!  -  reply
Got a refund from the IRS today for my 2k taxes, don't know what the point is, as they say I owe them $7k in taxes for 99'? Oh yea, then they also send me a letter a week ago saying they screwed up on my taxes for 99 and that I am due a refund for that year...? Can you say contradiction? OH YEA, then the state tax people said I owed 800 for my 99 taxes, then send me a refund for my 99 taxes??? wtf... If they would have just let it be...sigh...the machine grinds on.

 - deja...  -  reply
The entry I made last monday, only leads me to put more faith in dreams and "dejavu" type incidents...

"(dejavu) 9/10 - I have been experiencing it more and more often lately, though there is not any single events I can pin-point. The frequency of them happening is increasing. Is there a single major even to take place that they are clues to? Not enough evidence..."

Leads me to look back over dreams I have had and really wonder why things are happening they way they are this year. Everything has a purpose. The past couple years are becoming clear in their purpose, this year has been and still is building towards something.
The last couple of times I have dropped my son off at home he has done everything in his power to not go "home". I had to struggle amidst his crying to get him to get out of the car. How do I deal with my son pleading with me to let him stay with me? How does one explain the reasons why? He wants to know why I cant take him to school, why cant I pick him up... These are very thick problems. I also wonder if he knows something I dont? Why is he so afraid that he wont see me again? His mother even avoids all possibility of having to talk to me about anything, to the point of having her mother call me to ask if I can watch my son. I never thought I would say it, but thank heaven/god/God/whoever that her mother actually cares.

4:22am - been waking up at that time for the past couple of weeks for some reason... also L has been seeing 2:22...who knows?
This is my 403rd journal entry..since I first started doing this.. little more than a year now.


 - my love!  -  reply
http://skiddywam.diaryland.com

 - snap dragon  -  reply
Small wandering feelings awash in blue light specials...
Perhaps as we rush to buy our flags and candles, perhaps...perhaps the moments of true wondering what will happen next...the moments spent alone, looking inward...wandering our own spaces. What will those moments tell us? Those moments comprise our reality...
Some people will tilt their heads back at the sky taste the bottom of the bottle and tomorrow will seem like nothing more than an ill spent yesterday...
Others awash in their own thoughts will eagerly await tomorrows taste...


 - continued  -  reply
Drove into work on the 11th... well yea, the farthest I made it was to the parking lot. I did not have my radio on so I was totaly un-aware as to what was going on. Quite a shock. Still is. I dont really think it has completely sunk in yet, for me and for many others... I have heard many a proclaimed atheist tell me that they prayed, they tell me that they are not sure who or what they are praying to. But they feel the need. The world after the 11th will be a different place. Our grandchildren will ask us about that day. The thoughts, the feelings, the fears. What will we tell them?

Lisa has been here all week, I am glad she was here through all of this. We have not done much, or even gone anywhere. She is supposed to fly back on sunday. I don't think that will happen. For one, neither I or her feel like it is a good idea to get on any airplane. She was supposed to fly United. We are going to try to get at least a partial refund, then I will drive her back within the next week or so.


 - what the fck  -  reply
what the fck happend to reality?

Drove into work...

  re: pictures  
It was good to finally see a pic of you and L..congrats! Your happiness is well deserved. I wish you both the best. ACL

 - dejavu  -  reply
I have been experiencing it more and more often lately, though there is not any single event I can pin-point. The frequency of them happening is increasing. Is there a single major even to take place that they are clues to? Not enough evidence...

L is here for the entire week! Quite awesome! We finally have plenty of time to plan and think things through, I am quite excited about opening up the next chapter of our life soon! Many new things to look forward to, I never thought I would again see the day, yet there it is around the corner, and I welcome it!

Last Thursday, my brother told me about a re-occurring dream he has been having, he is walking through thick mist when he sees a huge wall stretching in either direction for as far as he can see. The wall is made of many huge steps, 10ft tall by 10 ft deep... He climbs this wall, and on reaching the top sees a huge machine made of very intricate gears stretching out along the top of the wall for as far as he can see. In front of him is a cigar-cutter type device, that the machine on top of the walls sole purpose is to run this device. He feels the need to jump through, or climb through. Though the device is operating at such a speed that it would surly cut him in two if he attempted it... I just realized that this situation reminds me of the ending of the never-ending story...? I only remember that as my son and I watched it this past weekend. JD has also been telling me about a book by the name of "Ishmael" that fits in well with my thinking as of lately... Someone at his school came up to him and told him he should read it. Not thinking anything of it, he said ya sure and forgot about it. Later in the week, he walked into a friends house and the only thing sitting on the table was the book "Ishmael". He of course borrowed the book. Or I would never I have known about it.


 - pi (update 9/10)  -  reply
Had a dream last night that my son got poison ivy, well he woke up this morning came in my room and said his arm itched. It was poison ivy. He did not have it yesterday, nor were we anywhere he could get it from! Must have got it by his house on friday...? Strange!

My brother told me about a dream he had the same night, his dream was simply that is girlfriend would ask him to call her by a different variation of her name, which upon seeing her that day, she did ask him that exact question.


 - perhaps?  -  reply